J🌲K E

former gifted child turned internet idiot logging on

My wife thinks I'm irresponsible so she'll text reminders disguised as encouragement like "Hope the kids do ok at the doctor!" and I'm always like "OH FUCK, WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW!"

Could I put a song in your head with only two words?

🎶IT'S BEEN

EX-GIRLFRIEND: You were always procrastinating, never understanding me

ME: wait

You never get more texts than you do when you’re waiting for a reply from someone specific

BECAUSE CAPSIZE

You ever listen to someone talk and your mind wanders off one word they say and you turn it into something awkward or funny?

Welcome to shitposting

A photo of Donald trump, a convicted sex offender who has bankrupted multiple companies and defrauded countless people in his spare time when he’s not golfing, stands on the roof of the White House for some reason.

karoline leavitt then relayed to the press pool that according to guinness world records trump is now the tallest boy to ever live in dc

I'm at my most Nitty Gritty Dirt Band when I'm fishing in the dark

FORGETFUL ACTOR [coke addict]: Line?

FYI everyone still hates you because of that typo you made that time

In the right timezone, this account would've been huge.

DOCTOR: We need to talk about your blood sugar

ME: I’m all ears dollface

HIM: Get out

Too sleepy to gamble? The secret ingredient in our Superjacked coffee is completely untraceable in your blood after 2-4 days.

What I say: I’m wearing nothing but panties

What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last

hey guys sorry I had to step away is trump still on the roof

At what point can we stop paying credit card debt

I'm missing a very specific part of my brain that handles whether I took a pill or not

hey can we actually eat somewhere else? don’t make it obvious but you see the guy over there in the ugly jacket? i don’t like that guy. he monkey-pawed my wish.

Doctor: how did you sprain your wrist?

Me: trying to get the motion sensor faucet to validate me

I have more respect for nude cyclists than just about any government employee

City: you haven't paid your water bill since last October

Me: that doesn't sound right

Narrator: but it was right

WIFE: i think the baby is coming

HUSBAND: but your not having any contractions

WIFE: *you’re

HUSBAND: oh god

NEW YORKER CAPTION CONTEST IMAGE: two people stand in the doorway to a residence at the top of some stairs—there are mice all over the stairs—the two people look horrified/terrified (understandably) MY CAPTION: “It's a production of Maus, and they're calling our place the Zone of Interest.”

I’m just saying what we’re all thinking, The New Yorker.

one of the doctors with whom I see patients says, "heddick" for "headache" and I can't with this.

Trump floating into space

Wait

episode 022

BOUNCER: ID?

ME: *opens wallet, moth flies out*

MOTH: It’s cool Steve, he’s with me

i put my blood, sweat and tears into this meal for you all. please enjoy