Jimmer Cork-Bottle

You say "odd" while I'm striving for bat shit crazy.

Thanks for having more problems than me. I feel better already.

my daughter’s friends’ sister’s girlfriends’ cousin made $3,000,000 from investing in peloton & im just over here hoping that all the apostrophe’s in this post are correct oh goddammit

a website of surveys for angry apple™️ product users called iRate somebody write that down

hard to believe that the president of the United States — a 34-count convicted felon, con man, rapist, domestic terrorist, child molester, bigot, white nationalist, Nazi, and all-around orange dumb motherfucker — is waging war on America

starting a social media platform where nobody can post on it, communicate with anyone on there, or even sign up for it

BREAKING: Bluesky Announces New Slogan “Not as Transphobic as X, But We’re Working on It”

if Bluesky goes under, I will go back to the ancient art of skywriting

its not a mood disorder im like this on purpose

I may not be likable but I’m also not wealthy too.

I need to go grocery shopping so I ordered Chinese delivery.

If I say “huh?” like 3 times, I’m almost there.

Inappropriate laughter is twice as medicinal.

I don’t hold grudges, just a few people in my basement.

Server: would you like some freshly grated cheese?

Me: yes! *opens mouth*

A model walking on a runway, wearing a ball gown that creates the illusion of her body being separated into two parts with a gap in between.

magician: *sweating* hold on i can fix this

Who let the inspirational posters in?

Tomorrow is my 5k charity run so if you don't hear from me again I probably followed woodland creatures into the forest and got lost

I’m not a morning person, or an afternoon person. Honestly, I’m barely a person.

don’t be jealous that the full moon howls at me

them: you should cut out the caffeine
me: there are already too many murders in america

*racking a shotgun as i grill my daughter’s date* do you have a podcast?

them: protect your family’s financial future

me: *gently places Splenda packets and Kohl’s coupons in safe deposit box*

Myself is giving in and going to start using reflexive pronouns incorrectly

My favouritest numbers, ranked:

10 tacles
9 ~ see also niet, non, no, nee, não etc.
8 🎱
7 deadly sins
6 the word for coitus in New Zealand
5 stars, would definitely recommend
4 skin
3 way
2 ti frutti
1 derwall

A halved onion appears to have a smiling face with closed eyes at its center.

i too cry when cutting up an onion but it’s with the happiness of knowing i’m releasing the joyful soul trapped within

Why learn big words when you can productatiously contrivicate your own?

Smiling chihuahua with black and tan shepherd coloring, bug eyes and missing front tooth.

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

Literally everyone misuses the word literally.

Hate is a strong word because it’s been getting quite a workout lately.