Jimmer Cork-Bottle

I’m looting a Trader Joe’s as soon as this Armageddon thing picks up speed

I have a hangover, wait no
I think it’s just cognition.

I don’t fear death, just being summarized reductively.

*world on fire

me: do you prefer the white or green mint chocolate chip ice cream?

my own private blood moon happened in high school when I wore white jeans while on my period

walking next to a canal yesterday, saw a pelican dive down and catch a fish, and I was jealous

“im still garth,” i whisper to myself, watching a 37 y/o SNL sketch on my dvr

*covering your face in soft, slow little kisses before whispering in your ear* if you load the knives blade up in the dishwasher again i’m going to slit your throat with one of them

has anyone invented an app for mushroom enthusiasts called schroomscrolling bc if not this seems like a missed opportunity

pls join me for my 8hr live twitch stream where i will stare at a wall and sigh

i don’t want to click a link and i don’t want to subscribe to anything what i want is to fight god under the blood moon

my sister and i love each other so much that sometimes we argue to decide who is the bigger bitch (it's our brother)

a glass of wine and a serving of bed would go nicely right about now

Sorry I wrote YOLO! on your death certificate.

Getting a drunk text is the sincerest form of flattery.

The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Steinbeck: What did you think of my draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯?

Publisher: It needs more characters.

Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.

I separate my non-recyclables by white trash, euro trash and trailer trash.

Choose a word. Think of it. Keep it to yourself, noone cares.

I consider myself quite the innovator in the kitchen.

narrator: he has melted at least 12 different cheeses over 7 different types of toasted bread.

hobbies include gagging on my electric toothbrush

*wife hands me divorce papers*

“I want a regime change”

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Establish dominance at Parent/Teacher conferences by taking a 6 pack with you but only offering to share one with those teachers who promise to be brief.

This day in history. 1863. US president Abraham Lincoln signed the charter to create the National Academy of Sciences and charged the membership with the burden of regrowing the hair on his upper lip.

does backflip over your post and finger guns at it in midair before continuing to scroll

Parenting is the only situation where you can wake up with people in your bed who weren’t there when you went to sleep and you’re not allowed to call the police

march 1st birthdays are a lie

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts