Jimmer Cork-Bottle

I would like the Israeli government out of my government

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

do you ever follow someone and think wow they’re really funny and cool i think i’d like to watch them through their kitchen window

there have been and always will be horrors that persist but these current ones are by far the worst bc they’re happening to me

boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog

Find yourself someone who salutes your red flags.

wondering if a passport is required to relocate to pluto

I don’t get any sleep because I’ve never been to Brooklyn

I'd be so ready to enter my girl living in a lonely castle in the
depth of the country era.

CONSERVATIVES: gender-affirming care is toxic and destructive to society

ALSO CONSERVATIVES: the first 100 incels to call now will receive a free sample of men’s concealer and chin defining makeup with their purchase of Viagra

Fox News had a plastic surgeon comment on the war in Iran, so I’m not asking, I’m begging a giant asteroid — any asteroid — to take one for the team and make contact with our civilization

Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents!
You don't even need to know what the secret is!

In all the lessons in school about drugs and peer pressure, they never taught us about Girl Scout Cookie time.

Mozart was composing masterpieces aged 5, Picasso finished his first oil painting at 8, and Joan of Arc lead the French to victory at Orléans when only 17, while I just watched my 17yo scratch her eye whilst pointing at a cloud.

I think it’s safe to start blowing the college fund on beer and pizza.

Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.

some shit is about to go down

I knew I was musical from a young age when my version of “𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯, 𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘍𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦” was voted best in the 2nd grade class at Donaldson Elementary.

Espionage is French for “sneaky motherfucker”

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

me: I hear that you do the best toasted cheese & ham sandwich in all Paris, here

server: that’s a croque monsieur

me: oh that’s a shame, I’ll just have a croissant instead then please

Everything I know about French history I've learned from Mel Brooks.

It's ok. I'm funnier in french.

All's fair in love and war when you're a dick.

RELUCTANTLY CROUCHED AT THE STARTING LINE

wait wtf are detachable peanuts

Me [turning on my favorite show]: I can’t wait to watch this week’s episode. They ended on a cliffhanger last week.

Show: *devotes entire episode to flashback*

Me: SON OF A

This is getting out of hand. I just watched the CEO of Valvoline chug a quart of 10W-30 Full Synthetic on Tik Tok.

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive binoculars or telescopes is by simply standing closer to the object that you wish to view.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

This day in history. 1906. American soldiers and marines massacred hundreds of Moro villagers including children and women. General Leonard Wood took responsibility but in 2016 Philippine president and 76-time murderer Rodrigo Duterte blamed Barack Obama of course.

him: tell me a little about yourself

me: fuck cops and fuck ice and fuck trump and a big ol fuck to israel

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT