Jimmer Cork-Bottle

him: tell me a little about yourself

me: fuck cops and fuck ice and fuck trump and a big ol fuck to israel

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

Thanks.

Silently cursing anyone who's ever given me some doodad I never wanted that I'm now responsible for moving from place to place for the rest of my life

Can't, redecorating my crying cave

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

I've a feeling that that $10BN for the Board of Peace has got lost in the wash.

are these chills and low grade fever real, or is my mind causing this so my body can avoid an unwanted task, or vice versa I do not understand the nervous system, news at 11

if you don’t understand why somebody is grieving for so long over something, consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand

they should make a sleep that feels like you’ve slept

Sorry I can't make it. The rest of the week is looking super busy: Today is Prince spaghetti day. Tomorrow I fashion a shillelagh from a cursed oak burl. Friday is the timberdoodle show beneath the moon

I've been telling so many folks that I hope my parents are happy in heaven that dad now wishes I'd picked them out a care home with a different name.

I’m not great with idioms but I know one thing:

If wishes were fishes, snitches would get stitches.

a pack of kittens closes in a a large dog standing on a chair

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“As the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not man’s role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.”

Some days you're tired of people. Other days, people wish you'd nap longer.

Strength isn’t always loud.
Staying out of stupid games? Now THAT’S power. 🇪🇸

Genie: And your third wish?

Me: Reveal the hidden valley where they make delicious ranch dressing.

A dog is squeezed in a corner between a washing machine and a cabinet, looking at a robotic vacuum cleaner in the center of the room.

it is best to find out early who can and cannot be counted upon when the robot uprising begins

This day in history. 306. Martyrdom of Adrian of Nicomedia, Roman magistrate who was so impressed by the obstinance of the Christians he was torturing that he became a Christian and eventually patron saint of fallacy and gullibility.

I’m looting a Trader Joe’s as soon as this Armageddon thing picks up speed

I have a hangover, wait no
I think it’s just cognition.

I don’t fear death, just being summarized reductively.

*world on fire

me: do you prefer the white or green mint chocolate chip ice cream?

my own private blood moon happened in high school when I wore white jeans while on my period

walking next to a canal yesterday, saw a pelican dive down and catch a fish, and I was jealous

“im still garth,” i whisper to myself, watching a 37 y/o SNL sketch on my dvr

*covering your face in soft, slow little kisses before whispering in your ear* if you load the knives blade up in the dishwasher again i’m going to slit your throat with one of them

has anyone invented an app for mushroom enthusiasts called schroomscrolling bc if not this seems like a missed opportunity

pls join me for my 8hr live twitch stream where i will stare at a wall and sigh