Jimmer Cork-Bottle

I do puzzles because the doctor said it would help my memory. I don’t remember having memory issues. Or seeing a doctor.

𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘉𝘪𝘨 𝘚𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦 is my favorite song about finding a positive pregnancy test in your bathroom trash can.

A roadside billboard reads “Your wife knows...”

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Rows of birds perched on metal beams looking like notes on a staff.

pigeons gather in scores

An owl sits in a branch, eyes closed, head tilted, claw outstretched in a “hold up a second” gesture.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

This day in history. 1942. Actress Hedy Lamarr patented a communication system that is now the basis for Wi-Fi. Not to be outdone, they say, Olivia de Havilland invented string cheese.

Aggressively groaning myself to sleep

I think we have enough Sylvia Plath in our vows, babe

I was skimming news and my eyes caught the lines "vintage millennial style" and "2010's grunge aesthetic". Couldn't read any more as my brain cracked and I'll be spending the next few hours huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth.

Every time I get really close to someone I wonder why I did that

Hating the same things is a love language.

...meanwhile, the population of sons of bitches is on the rise.

I'm beginning to feel the need for a fortified camper or some sort of bug-out vehicle.

I put a bra on so you know shit's about to get fucking real.

Some of the nicest people you'll ever meet are on Bluesky. Seven… maybe even eight.

Moving from state to state, tending to vary with the scenery.

Eventually, I’ll get to each and every one of you.

Quicken your pace or be submerged.

there should be adult bathtub toys like miniature billionaires we can pretend to drown

filling my hummingbird feeders with colored vodka bc life is hard and these lil darlins need a break

when people start having convos in my replies i like to imagine they’re lazing in a field of wildflowers while sipping fancy french lemonade

i’m sorry i threw pig’s blood on your wine mom “too blessed to be stressed” canvas tote

*crawling through your doggie door* are you mad at me?

knowing all of the latin names of the birds on this hike is getting all of the nerds really horny

Ring notification: "fox spotted in backyard"

me: your wife is kinda cute but let's not get carried away

...and other jokes that get you kicked off the Neighbors app

"hold that thought, i'm gonna go make some popcorn."

-me, as a therapist

Haven’t picked up a man in the wild in years. Do I leave snail trails for them to follow or set a trap?

I only watch South Park for the american politics updates. it’s like the news but honest.

Woke up lost in a labyrinth of my own construction again

You turn your nose at ketchup on Kraft mac’n’cheese, yet my Viking ancestors would have been all “son of a fucking bitch this is fantastic.”