It's always just after you've descended the full seven storeys to the secure records depository below your house that your mother calls to tell you she's sent you an email.
Humming 'The Rhythm of Life' and doing a Fosse over my bills while I mop toward the spot where the cat threw up on the floor.
i generally don't have a suspicious mind about most things in my life as it seems like a lot of energy to- what? i am not hovering over my coffee mug, why are you eyeing it anyway?
feeling like you're fleeing the scene because you refuse to clean up the mess that was left by the fucker before you
I was going to eat the entire burrito, but fell asleep halfway through.
if at first you don’t succeed, you’ve succeeded at failure
everything I’ve ever learned in life has been nothing short of regrettable
sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I just don’t want to
A spray bottle, for close talkers.
Sorry for not getting back to you, I had texter’s block.
i wish banksy would do a mural on the side of my house of me eating a muffin by a dumpster
i think next halloween i’ll hand out abortion pills
pondering the invariance of maxwell’s equations under the interchange of electric and magnetic field…*remembers i’m on bsky* umm, i like ham and crying
why don’t i slip into something more comfortable (jorts)
thought about saving the world today but this tag in my jeans is being weird
I'd be lucky if I was able to rock someone like a mild tropical depression.
today is dragging me by the thong
god give me a sign but not that one i just saw
save the bees, plant more trees, clean the seas, titties
first rule of holes, should you find yourself in one….Stop digging
me, driving at 3 am: ooh, cool adventure
me, seeing another car at 3am: what are you up to, you shady bastard
My wife says I lack imagination, she’s clearly forgetting how effectively I can improvise when I can’t find a bottle opener.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Sometimes selective amnesia is a sword and sometimes it’s a shield. And sometimes it’s another thingy, I can’t recall what.
The film 𝘔𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘰, except it’s me taking a phone pic of my parking space number, and the name on the garage, and the street sign near the garage.
me: do you remember a time when it didn't hurt?
them: what?
me: everything
it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents
her: hey that was a real dick move
me: I’m sorry but it does that when it’s happy
~ and that was the last time she asked me to rub suntan lotion onto her back
This day in history. 1809. Swedish king Adolf IV Gustav was deposed by a group of noblemen known for reasons I should probably not fixate on as Arse Men of 1809.
On the bright side, it’s going to be much easier for the government to round us up now that we can’t afford to drive.
