chris.

Hanging out in the lesser known crawl space of the universe today. It's where all the extra cool stuff is stored.

Just For Men Chicken Nuggets®

“Smells like that perfume is wearing YOU, Brenda,” nine-year-old me observed. Mother was not having it.

I’m assuming the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune won’t break the skin. That’s a dealbreaker for me.

Favourite trope for any female protagonist in a novel is realising ‘she had forgotten to eat that day.’

Stirring my hot cocoa with a stick of butter

Your call is important to us. We value your business. Our office is here to serve you. Except not today, friends, because all of our heads have exploded at once.

how about a dating reality TV series where contestants are just paired up with food

ME: If you spell kayak backwards, it still spells kayak.

WIFE: Yes. Also called a palindrome.

ME: I think you'll find it's also called a canoe, Sharon.

Dad's Special Rum Cake Recipe:
1: No cake
2: Substitute vodka for rum
3: LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU

As a therapist I am legally and ethically unable to call my client's parents and say, 'Your bullshit is costing your kid close to 500 a month. Would you please just FUCKING SAY GOOD JOB?'

Those variety popcorn tins are great because when the popcorn is gone, they're the perfect size for storing an adult human head

Please stop inviting me over to watch games, I said I love sporks, not sports.

good morning, happy monday, I will murder you all

I wasn’t born yesterday, I say, after stopping to check my diary.

When you are a quiet person people tend to like you more because they can project their ideas of how you are right into your quiet space. That's why quiet ones should always emit a high-pitched screech or squawk every few minutes to keep themselves safe from unwarranted brain projections.

LUNCHEON meat, you say? Fancy.

Happy birthday lovely!

It's Monday and my birthday.

Called in dead to work.

I treat my friends like i treat my family by avoiding them at all costs

im going to go carbon neutral [no more breathing]

Ate a whole box of Raisin Bran and I had two poops of raisins.

if you outlaw sandwiches, only outlaws will have sandwiches

Some called it The Night Of The Muzak Session Musicians but it didn't deserve such original credit, a sleepy version of the soundtrack to a pale imitation of the darkness with elevators and flutes

Accept that some things are none of my business ? Sure I'll stop breathing too

If you build it, I will fall off of it.

Anything can be enough to get a search warrant if your heart is the evidence of a bigger heart you clearly cannot afford

I sold my soul to the devil, king of darkness and bringer of ultimate death and destruction, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Screech died and you want to tell me there is a god?

Getting back into the swing of things by challenging these kids at the playground to see who can swing high enough to kick the sky first