chris.

If you like really GOOD, BREWMASTER-BREWED, QUALITY beer, to the point where you'd call yourself a hophead, I absolutely want you to enjoy whatever beer you like but please never recommend any beer to me because I do not trust you.

Harry Potter and the bidet of fire

❤️ love you friend. I am sorry these are such rough times.

Dear YouTubers,
Stop comparing things to the size of Delaware. Delaware isn't a real place and nobody knows how big it really is.

when you tell them you’re a homebody but they always text you “what are you doing today?” and it’s clear they don’t understand what homebody means

bye bye piece of Chex mix that fell in the couch you live there now foreva

CRIMINAL: please, I have a family

BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]

Them: any plans for Christmas?

Me: yeah! dissociating but like with a festive nail color

[dr frankenstein weighing dongs in both hands to see which one feels heftier]

*designs a bikini that holds chips in the top and queso in the bottom

HAPPY Birthday!

❤️

me, on a horse: hey does anyone know how I got on this thing

There's only so much I can handle in one sitting.

Oh no way

I don't actually know what pliers are for other than pulling teeth.

I haven’t updated my gps since 2007 if anyone needs to get to Kmart

Dress for all seasons from the waist down (snow pants and sandals).

The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you

Glory to the newborn cringe

Gimme every video of cats stretching & being stretched I wanna watch them all before I die it’s on my bucket list

Evil finally figured out how to enslave us by our own free will. That’s why it turned us into digital slaves. But if Moses #2 came to part the sea & free us he’d destroy all the internet cables & everyone would be like “omg stop wtf gtfoutta here bro don’t touch our internet”

For the 0.01% of germs not killed by bleach, the worst part is the crippling survivors guilt

Happy kitty chirping and making biscuits on my belly. Thank goodness he waited until today so I wouldn't explode like a piñata filled with gravy

I almost got up after only four hours of sleep. Then I heard the voice of my dead father tell me to get back in that bed and finish what I started because he didn't raise a quitter.

A lot of people don't know this but they invented flat screen TVs because I wouldn't stop playing with magnets on the old ones

”is my vision improving?"

"whoa could it be the new vitamins?"

"oh i just slept in my contacts"

If you’re going to celebrate today please don historically accurate garb: a hungry face of entitlement, the will to bitchslap a child if it means a chance for a free toaster, and sensible shoes.

Hark the herald edgelords whinge

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