Never

I want to be told it will be okay, and truly believe it

""Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." -Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (via theliteraryjournals) Source: theliteraryjournals

"I won't abandon you when your chronic illness gets worse." [woman whispering into someone's ear and the person gets goosebumps] f-o-b replies need me a freak like this

🐺 Just angry

It doesn't feel like I can ever do enough, give enough, *be* enough, for what people in my life need

It is times like these that bring back trauma. Seeing people around me suffering so deeply and feeling like I can do fucking nothing about it

I just want what's best for the people I love, and I wish it didn't take so much pain for them to get it

I thought I had finally carved out my place in the world, despite the challenges and setbacks, despite the government and society as a whole trying to prevent my happiness, and it's fucking gone, and I don't know what to do

So fucking exhausted

My future has gone up in smoke and I just can't fucking see how the fuck I'm meant to live my life from now on

My job was my structure I built a healthier life around than I ever had before, and it's gone in a moment, and I have to fight back with energy I don't have

Drawing of two puppies with the bigger one protecting the smaller one and the caption; "Grow into someone who would've protected you as a child"

Healing stuff

Out of work in about 30 minutes, just hold off letting the severe anxiety turn into a panic attack before then

Back in bed after trying to calm down with some fresh air and music, let's see if I can get to sleep quick and squeeze out four and a half hours of sleep

Classic 2:30am panic attack on a night where I *really* fucking needed to get some sleep

I wish I weren't so fucking anxious about the things I want

I wish I could just send those messages instead of holding them back until I hope they're "appropriate"

I wish my trauma would stop holding me back and convincing me this way is pain

A pin on a pinboard that reads "at least all the trauma made me hilarious" surrounded by other pins

I just wish I didn't have to give so much, when day-to-day life is exhausting as is

I know I'm lucky and my life isn't as busy as others', and I know that I don't have to give so much in a lot of situations, but that shitty, loud part of me won't shut up and let me relax and rest

Always on edge

Try being an autistic kid who has emotional regulation issues and getting dismissed or shouted at pretty much every time you have an emotional breakdown by the people you're supposed to trust 🙃

And now being vulnerable in front of anyone makes me scared and brings up *other* trauma too!

Yayyyyyyy✨️

hey... wait a minute

I *know* I deserve it

But when everyone is at their limits, I'm fucking terrified that just asking for it will push someone to the edge or over, as it has before.

It's always felt like if I don't take care of others, I lose them.

Biggest cry I've probably had in many years, then a big sleep that didn't feel that big -w-

Did a couple bits, had a drink and a snack, now to try and sleep some more I think, brain still very fatigued

I wish I could remember my mom's voice

I just realised that from about a week ago, it's been half my life without her

I've not known her longer than I have

I love caring for the people I love, it's often tiring but almost always rewarding

But every now and then, the trauma flares up and I spiral and spiral and I remember every time when trying to help someone wasn't enough, or it didn't turn out okay.

I wish I wasn't so scared of not doing enough

Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK I hate dealing with police

I'm safe, just a casual 6:10am knock on the door from an officer asking for an ex housemate to start my day

Feeling better

Not perfect, but honestly I got the assurances I needed, and I'm trying my best to believe them. Thank you 💜

And unless it was discussed already, I hate asking anyone else to do it for me or help with it

And if *I* need a favour done, I hate asking for it even more because it makes me feel like such a prick for wanting them to do it a very specific way

Even if there's something that *I* don't need to be doing, but it's something that needs doing by someone, I'll force myself to do it, because it just needs to get done

Makes me feel useful, valued, and makes other people happy, so what's the problem other than all the problems it causes me?

There is always something I have to be doing, and asking for the slightest help with it makes me feel so fucking needy, and I hate that feeling because it's not something I can handle myself, and for most of my life I've been to alone to feel like I can rely on anyone

I've finally found puppy, and she is showing me how neglected I really feel

I guess it is jealousy, I'm giving people the space and time I want as well. I see people having the forms of freedom and giving themselves up in ways that I'm terrified and unable to do because I don't want to hurt anyone if I get that freedom and give myself up

I have to control my own thoughts, be in charge of not hurting others or myself, always repeating to myself what I want to believe, but I don't want to be in control anymore

I want to give control up and be taken care of truly and fully

But it feels like controlling and caring is all I have