Destry B

Did you hear about the bank robbery a pod of killer whales pulled off?

It was perfectly orcastrated.

For My Dog, Larry
In the summer, deep in grief, I didn’t think of much at all. As the flowers you watched me plant bloomed, I cut clippings to put in tiny vases by your photo. When the fall came and the leaves plastered the sidewalks of our neighborhood, I did not walk them.

Greeting card that says I'm sorry for talking to your child like it was a dog

Back in my day, only old people made back in my day posts.

Fuck.

My buddy from New Mexico? I think you mean, my palbuquerque.

Remember when water was the only brand of water?

My latest post has one whole like.

I'm back, baby!!!!

RFK has finally accepted a brand of vaccines that are cut with a healthy dose of street level smack.

So don't be alarmed by the golden amber hew in the syringe.

That's uncle Bob's happy juice.

If you see it again try to take a picture.

Wait....what?

Conservatives reading the redacted Epstein files: Just wait until Donald Trump gets his hands on this Ronald Crump fella. He's gonna wish he was never born.

I hope Dennis Quaid makes it to the Manhattan public library in time to save his son.

Every privacy policy update:

We have found new ways to monetize your data !!

a man is cutting a block of cheese on a kitchen counter ALT: a man is cutting a block of cheese on a kitchen counter

THE CHICAGO BEARS KNOCKED THE GREEN BAY PACKERS OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS.

WE ALREADY WON OUR SUPERBOWL.

Idk but I'll bet they have a Taco John's.

The world is an onion article.

I actually prefer thick mints.

What would you do if this guy arrived at your doorstep out of the blue?

Everyone will be trying to run you down if you make a habit of putting yourself in front of a moving vehicle.

Doordash brings all my milkshakes to my yard.

The hardest part of posting a dick pic is writing the caption.

Her: are you a grower or a shower?

Me:

I think I have a pretty good poker face unless you cough around me in which case I’m gonna immediately react.

What I love about living in East Tennessee, Part 1

Sure did miss you this year, my sweet little man.

Why is it called a nursing home and not an oldphanage?

Thank fuck I didn't try to attempt dry January this year.

Glenn Danzig fingered me in the Flying J bathroom just East of Omaha after losing at a game of tiddlywinks back in 1992.

All I want for Christmas is a look at the naughty list.