Destry B

[ Spelling Bee ]

Me: Your word is gladiator.

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence?

Me: The cannibal showed no remorse after eating the woman. In fact, he was gladiator.

Spelling bee judge: How did you get in here?

I have a new girlfriend. You don't know her. She went to a different psych ward.

The daughter was taken in the first film, and in the second, the daughter and mother were taken, and in the third, nobody was taken.

A load of bullshit.😂

I was typing "Imagine Dragons is an example of pop rock " but I typed poop rock instead, and I think I was right the first time.

Taken 3 should have been called Taken 2 part 2.

Or "Taken a Number Two" because it was awful.

I'm an internet uninfluencer.

This is a @mardigroan.bsky.social appreciation post. If you aren't following him, then you should be.

He's a seriously funny, cool, and nice guy, which is a rarity these days.

Russian agent: With which bird-watching group are you affiliated?

007: Bon. Audubon.

You do have Medicare part A and B, correct?

No.

That's too bad. We'll call you back from a different number in about twenty seconds and ask you again.

Remember when actual people used to call you and you could ask to be put on a "Do not call list."?

Now you have to answer a question just to be able to talk to a person, and when you do ask, they just hang up.

I misheard when they said disaster preppers.

Who wants a shitload of jalapeños?

Is Garth short for Gartholomew?

Garth Brooks' full name is Gartholomew Brooks.

Actually, his name is Troyal Garth Brooks, which is just as unusual.

This is coming from someone named Destry Monteith Broderick.

I love my strange name.

Donald Trump wants the new Washington Commanders stadium to be named after him.

I would rather have them name it Charlie Kirk Memorial stadium because Donald would have to support it because they were SUCH good friends.

I say this because Donald Trump would be so furious because he can't say no.

i really hate being the center of attention all the time *adjusts sombrero

I went to the doctor because every time I ejaculate the only thing that comes out is sand.

The doctor told me not to worry. It's just a Baja blast.

ProTip: if your account is nothing but shouting about politics, imma block you so hard your momma gonna get a bruise on her taint.

I said what I said.

You call them Kegels. I call them punani presses.

I've decided to be a genealogist. I still have no idea how I'm going to fit into a lamp, though.

Anyone can be a puff father. It takes someone special to be a puff daddy.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

Would you like to stay logged in? Okay we'll log you out

Date: I don’t believe in drugs

Me, super high: oh they’re out there

Therapist: you’re your own worst enemy

Me: makes sense. Fuckin hate that guy

Spoonman, all of my friends are in my phone

for $3 a month i will comment “derp” on random photos of your ex

*watching Floor Is Lava*
Son: who are you rooting for?
Me: the team of dads. You?
Son: the lava

Boss: *shows me the ropes

Me: those are some nice ropes

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

I've decided to be a genealogist. I still have no idea how I'm going to fit into a lamp, though.