I’m kind of drained right now from all of that, so I’m going to step away from screens for a while. So, even though I started this saying how much I hate being alone, I think I want some alone time for the moment.
And maybe hoping that trying to express at least some of what’s going on in my head will help me organize some of it. I’m probably leaving out some big revelation or consistent recurring thoughts, but for now, that’s about it, I think.
So I guess that’s my rant. Again, I don’t know what I want this to accomplish. I guess I just wanted to stop having all of this constantly going on in my head..
I just know I don’t want things to be like this anymore. I’m so tired of fighting with myself. I’m tired of feeling alone even when I’m with people. I’m tired of being tired.
I think I want something to do outside of my house each day, but I don’t know what that would be, and I don’t know if that’s even something I could do, or would even actually want.
I try to imagine my life beyond what it is now, and I can’t. I think I want to be more involved in my friends lives. But I don’t know what that means.
I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish. I don’t know what I hope will come from this. I don’t know how to go forward with anything. I know I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I also don’t know what feeling happy would even look like.
I had to stop there because I do not know what I am doing by saying all of this. I do not have any purpose for putting this out there. Maybe it is just me seeking attention? Maybe I am trying to trick someone into helping me? I don’t know.
I have rewritten those last few sentences so many times as each time, I feel like I’m being a manipulative little shit, forcing people to notice me. And saying it makes it feel even more real, like that is what I’m really doing here, and not just
It makes me feel like I’m forcing my troubles onto others, and tricking them into fixing things for me instead of just doing things on my own, without bothering others.
I don’t want people feeling guilty or pressured or obliged to put their own lives aside for me. I never want to be a burden on anyone. This is the main reason why I didn’t want to share any of this.
Just typing this out is a struggle as I keep yelling at myself in my head. I think I’m just seeking attention, or trying to manipulate people into doing things for me. I don’t want that.
Even just the thought of asking others for help with my problems feels selfish. I legitimately feel sick to my stomach, and start crying uncontrollably at even the thought of asking for help dealing with my own messes.
And even if I could do that, I’d feel far like far too much of a burden to ever ask for any specific help.
But this is the real kicker. As much as I desperately want to ask for help with anything, I can’t. Because I don’t know how anyone can help. And even if I did know how, I doubt I’d be able to articulate it.
Which makes me feel even more pathetic and miserable. There are so many people that I personally know of that are dealing with so much more than I am, and they’re not crying about being too overwhelmed to clean up.
And then when I see how little I manage to do each day, it just feels like another thing I’m failing at, that I can’t even keep up with daily housework. Which of course just piles up more and more to the point where it becomes so overwhelming that I can’t even process how to go about handling it.
I just don’t know what I can do, when every single bit of energy I have anymore is being used to just stay awake for a full day and maybe, *maybe*, get one or two chores done.
I’m not even sure what I hope to get out of saying all of this. I know I’m going to get kind words, support and love, and I do appreciate that, of course. But beyond that, I don’t think there is anything that can actually be done by anyone other than myself.
I keep asking him if there’s anything we can do do figure out why I’m feeling this way, instead of just medicating me, but he doesn’t seem all that interested in the “why’s”, which just makes me feel even more frustrated and helpless.
And these meds just make me feel worse and worse. I get dizzy, I get brain fog, I can hear and feel this persistent pulsing, I get drastic mood swings, nausea, headaches, etc etc.
Added to that, my doctor only ever sees more for 10 min over a video call, goes over the same checklist every time, throws a bunch of meds at me, and then doesn’t check in again for 3 months.
I can’t even stick to one thought without jumping to several different thoughts, and I get them jumbled up, resulting in half formed thoughts that when I try to articulate them, I make no sense, and can’t even recall what my initial thought was.
And when I do try to talk about stuff with Jonathan, my brain feels like it’s full of holes, and I can’t recall what I wanted to discuss. Details are lost, names and faces are jumbled. I get confused and stumble over my own thoughts constantly to the point where I’m getting so many things wrong.
I’m worried now that I don’t know how to be around people at all anymore. I don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore. I don’t do anything. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t even pay much attention to any current shows, trends, or anything that people would want to talk about.
It felt safe and familiar, and I had no problem adjusting to that way of living. But I became so comfortable with social distancing, that anything outside my home felt overwhelming. And while I’m not trying to actively shut myself in, that is exactly what I keep doing.
During the lockdown, I had no trouble adjusting to the isolation, as it was fairly similar to how I interacted with the world when I was at my sickest. And in many ways, it was even easier, as now, everyone I knew was socializing and communicating in that same way.
I wasn’t like this before. I used to be fun. I used to like going out places. I used to be happy. And the more I dwell on how different I’ve become, the more I spiral and get into my head, just keep getting more and more down on myself. I feel helpless and defeated.
I feel lonely all the time now, and I only have myself to blame. Jonathan said he was thinking about stuff for us to do together, but couldn’t think of anything because I “don’t like going anywhere, doing anything, or being around people”
I feel that I’ve been isolating myself for so long, that I no longer know how to get back into socializing.
