Jason Duplissea

If I see crumb on the counter and flick it then the house is all clean

All I wanted for Christmas was to properly coil an extension cord

In “It’s a Wonderful Life,” the worst thing in life that can happen to woman without a man is to become a librarian

When it rains, no matter where we are walking, my dog believes that if she just pulls to the left a little more, everything will be better

How do you pronounce it?
Criss-miss
Criss-muss
or
Criss-mehss
?

Carry On (franchise) - Wikipedia

Is it worse than these?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carry_O...

Look. Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. Die Hard is a movie that takes place at Christmastime. There’s a difference.
Die Hard 2 is a Christmas movie.

I owe my healthy disrespect of authority to the example set by Frosty the Snowman

Waking up isn’t the hard part. Getting out of bed is.

The Golden Gate Bridge is the bridge that spans The Golden Gate, which is why it isn’t painted gold. Otherwise it would be The Gate Golden Bridge.

TIL Snoopy is a dog and not a funny-looking kid with a big nose

So do you pronounce it “Sweet Tarts” or “Swee-tarts?”

How long does it really take for the cows to come home anyway?

Just bought earplugs and a sleep mask from Amazon. So naturally, they recommended the handcuffs.

The devil is in the detals

Boy, did I used to think carbon paper was a lot of fun

Gender-specific shampoo is a lie

Walk dog; man on street asks what kind she is. I tell man. Man chuckles, then shouts, "Well, improve the virgin!" I continue walking dog, unsure how to proceed with advice

“Sir, can you spare an Arizona Green Tea?” - Los Angeles panhandler

My neighbor, calling out across the street -
"Have you seen Mr. Felcher?"
Me, responding - "Mr. Felcher?"
Him - "I think? I can never remember his name!"
Me - "I bet it's not Felcher."