ADHD Diary

2/2

"The lids keep falling off these pens, the manufacturer really needs to sort that out"
"Wait, what colour pen is this?"
"Hm, it's red, that won't fit the colour scheme for this list"
"Does that matter?"
"No, it's a rough list, just get it down on paper"
...
...
...
"Get *what* down on paper..?"

1/2

Partly, it was because of all the other ideas I had in those 5 seconds.

"Where's a pen I can use?"
"No, I can't use any of them"
"Maybe that one? No..."
"Ok, I'll walk over to my desk..."
"Oh, wait, there's a pencil case here"
"Oh, that's where the lid for that pen went"

In the 5 seconds it took me to find a pen so I could add an item to the list, I forgot the what the item was.

So far, I have not yet remembered again.

When the song you're listening to clashes with the one that's stuck in your head.

Aaaaaaaand, of course, I've just discovered I left the oven on when I took dinner out.

An hour ago.

This has actually been happening more than usual, lately.

Hm, is it too early to start cooking dinner?

Not if you forget for 20 minutes that you're pre-heating the oven, it isn't.

(Fun fact: I was only reminded at all because I smelt whatever was leftover on the oven tray from last time. Otherwise, who knows how long it would have been...)

When your meds kick in and you realise "oh, I meant to take my meds earlier! I should do that now".

You know, the meds that just kicked in. Reminding you to take your meds. That just kicked in.

Also:

Saying you've "remembered you did it I'm Excel" when, actually, you think you remember you did it in Excel. You are definitely still not 100% certain you did it in Excel.

It's about 50% memory, 50% hope.

Realising, upon firing your laptop back up, that you don't actually know where that Excel spreadsheet is.

Fuck.

Sitting down to sensibly update your new diaries with important dates and reminders for the year

Turning off your laptop so you're not distracted

Spending 10+ minutes looking through multiple notebooks for the notes you *know* you previously wrote for this

Finally remembering you did it in Excel.

Life is just one huge infinite regression. Like a question fractal.

A FrAQtal.

Yeah, that totally works.

It was in my bag!

I still had to write it, of course.

That was always the plan, though.

Well, it was the plan since I failed to write it any earlier, at least. It may not have been Plan A...

Whether it does turn out to be in my bag or not, the fact I can't remember means instead of simply looking forward to seeing my friend, enjoying a podcast, or making other plans, for the past 30 mins I've had those familiar feelings of panic, frustration and self-loathing as if I had forgotten it.

If I *have* forgotten it, that's obviously horrible and just one more time I've messed up.

But, even I haven't, it still has an impact.

I'm on a train, so I can't decant my very packed bag trying to find it. So I'm just sitting stewing in the possibility I've done it again.

On my way to visit a friend for Xmas.

Bought everyone's cards back in April, so I didn't have to rely on myself to remember closer to the time.

At this moment, I have no idea if my friend's card is in my bag. I may have left it on my sofa.

Getting distracted from YouTube on my tablet by YouTube on my phone.

The real kicker is I've actually been having a good couple of days.

I'm not saying I got a lot done. I almost categorically didn't.

But I wasn't living through a haze of panic and dumbfoundedness.

It felt like there was a bit more space in my head. The good space, not the empty space.

I'VE JUST GOT BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO DISCOVER AFTER PRE-HEATING THE OVEN I *DIDN'T* *EVEN* *PUT* *THE* *GROCERIES* *AWAY*!!*

DO YOU REALISE HOW MANY INDIVIDUAL TASKS EACH NEED YOU TO CHECK INFO FIRST??!

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR ABILITY TO RETAIN INFO IS SO BAD IT MERITS A FULL-BLOWN MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS??

Get home, heading to living room, realise I should put the groceries in my bag away first.

Head to kitchen.

"As I'm here, I should pre-heat the oven."

Check oven temp/time on the package.

"Ok, read that, now off to the living room".

Once again, getting info for the task makes me forget the task

Hurrah, I finally bit the bullet to try and sort out access to that old online account I'd been having problems with.

Look at me, getting stuff done.

Now, *why* did I actually want to use this account again? What on earth was I doing yesterday that needed access to it.

Oh, no, that sound I could hear WAS the gas, because I HAD left the oven on...

Repeatedly thinking "oh, I mustn't forget there's something in the oven", WHEN YOU ARE LITERALLY EATING THE THING THAT YOU HAD IN THE OVEN.

Huh, so apparently I also forgot to finish that third sentence.

"And now I don't know what it was I was intending to do", or something along those lines.

Trying to figure it out could take a good amount of time and cognitive energy.

Many might suggest "do something else, and then it'll just randomly pop into your head again".

Sure, makes sense.

But then I have to stop what I'm in the middle of, plus still face the same problem that started this.

Sat down to plan and organsie some things.

Grab my pens, grab some scrap paper and...

And now I don't know what

In the time it took me to get the tools for the task, I have forgotten what the task was.

Do I now sit here until I remember, or do I just give up?

Up from my desk, realised I should grab my last round of meds for the day before I sit back down to work.

That got me thinking about my upcoming meds review appt, and if there was anything I should ask.

Thought about it all the way back to my desk, sat down, and then realised I never got my meds.

ADHD is:

Before starting to study and take notes, having to spend time looking around your files to make sure you haven't already taken these notes before.

Where do you look for these notes? Oh, they could be in a few places...

"l've probably said this before..." is one of mine.

Today it was "I haven't washed any of my clothes for at least a couple of months, because my washing machine has been broken for a year and I haven't told the letting agent about it".