Discovering Polyamory

Don't assume everyone in the polyamory community wants the same things as you...

It's easy to think that when you are in a polyamorous space, everyone will be the same as you. After all, that's part of the joy of finding your tribe. But not everyone is comfortable being open about their sex life. Not everyone has the same political views. Not everyone has a desire to be loudly open about their polyamory. 

Always be aware that it's possible to make people feel uncomfortable without realising it. Just because you are in a safe space to be yourself doesn't mean you might not accidentally make someone else feel shame or discomfort by assuming they will automatically be okay with the things you are okay with. Especially if they are new to the scene.

It's easy to think that when you are in a #polyamorous space, everyone will be the same as you. But always be aware that it's possible to make people feel uncomfortable without realising it. Especially if they are new to the scene.

A lot of our needs can be met with platonic friends. But what about needs that "traditionally" are only allowed within romantic or sexual relationships? If our partner cannot or will not meet our needs, do we have to give them up forever?

#polyamory

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Cowboy: Someone who dates a polyamorous person with the intention of forcing them into monogamy

Cowboys are so named because their aim is to separate you from the "herd" so they can get you alone, away from support.  Cowboys can be direct, insisting that you need to "grow up" to be in a real relationship, or they can be subtle, growing an emotional connection and then using it to manipulate you into giving up elements of your life they disagree with. 

There is nothing wrong with moving from a polyamorous relationship dynamic to a monogamous one, as long as this is a decision you make on your own. The problem with Cowboys is the lack of respect they have for polyamory and their partner's autonomy.

There is nothing wrong with moving from a #polyamorous relationship dynamic to a monogamous one, as long as this is a decision you make on your own. 

The problem with Cowboys is the lack of respect they have for polyamory and their partner's autonomy.

One of the biggest barriers to polyamory is not being honest with yourself about what you want...

When I began exploring polyamory, I found it hard to admit exactly what I wanted out of it. Partly, I was worried about upsetting my partner, but I was also afraid that I would look like a failure if I expressed my desires but was then unable to make them a reality. But the biggest problem was that I simply didn't know how to recognise my own desires.

Learning to recognise, understand, and then express what we want from our relationships is harder than many of us expect, because the moment we want anything outside of the "norm", we are conditioned to feel shame, even if those around us support us. But you can't truly be honest with your partners until you have learned to be honest with yourself.

One of the biggest barriers to #polyamory is not being honest with yourself about what you want

But you can't truly be honest with your partners until you have learned to be honest with yourself.

Polyamory isn't off-the-peg, it's pick 'n' mix...

Exploring polyamory isn't about copying what other people are doing or trying to discover a "correct" way to connect with someone. Relationships are a smorgasbord. Some options will work for you, while others won't. It's up to you and your partners to decide what your relationships require.

This idea can seem strange, even stressful, because mononormative culture has taught us our relationships have to look just like everyone else's to be "valid". This is just one of the behaviours we need to unlearn if we want to explore polyamory and create healthy relationships that work for us.

Exploring #polyamory isn't about copying what other people are doing or trying to discover a "correct" way to connect with someone.

Relationships are a smorgasbord. Some options will work for you, while others won't. It's up to you and your partners to decide what your relationships require.

Dealing with jealousy in #polyamory can be hard. So what’s the trick to dealing with it? How do we go about combating that nasty feeling that holds us back from experiencing the joys of compersion?

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"Couple Privilege" Behaviours and beliefs that grant a "couple" benefits and rights over the people they are dating

Couple Privilege is insidious because it happens without anyone realising it. The concept of the "couple" being the centre of all relationships is deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness that we automatically give it precedence.  And it's not only newly opened couples who are at risk of falling into this trap. 

Experience doesn't make you immune. Couples new to polyamory are seen as the usual culprits, but I've seen it with people with years of experience, and I've seen people develop it with new partners over people they'd already been dating.  Every two-person dynamic is at risk of displaying Couple Privilege if you're not careful. 

Couple Privilege is insidious in #polyamory because it happens without anyone realising it. The concept of the "couple" being the centre of all relationships is deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness that we automatically give it precedence.

Relationships change over time, and it's nothing to be afraid of...

A lot of people are scared of polyamory because they see it as creating impermanent, less committed relationships. But polyamory isn't about less commitment. It's about recognising that all relationships change over time and learning how to steer those changes, rather than letting them take us by surprise.

Every relationship changes over time. Sometimes those changes bring you closer together, and sometimes they drive you apart. But without change, we become stagnant.  Change can be scary, but without it, nothing can ever get better. And if properly handled, even changes we don't want can take us to a better place. 

A lot of people are scared of #polyamory because they see it as creating impermanent, less committed relationships.

Change can be scary, but without it, nothing can ever get better. And if properly handled, even changes we don't want can take us to a better place.

When you explore polyamory, you learn about so much more than just relationships...

Exploring polyamory doesn't just lead you to learn about ways to effectively date multiple people.  Dating requires a collection of skills, such as communication, time management, mediation, and compromise. Universal skills that we often don't think to actively work on, but will undoubtedly benefit your life once you do. 

Exploring polyamory can also put you on the path to being more open and aware of the world around you. Stepping out of the social "norm" will inevitably lead you to a place where you see the many ways in which doing so can benefit the world. Sometimes, deciding to explore polyamory is the catalyst for transforming our entire lives for the better.

Exploring #polyamory doesn't just lead you to learn about ways to effectively date people.

Dating requires many of skills, such as communication, time management, mediation, and compromise. Universal skills that we often don't think to actively work on, but will undoubtedly benefit your life.

Review: “Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality” by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jethá - Discovering Polyamory — Discovering Polyamory Ever since Darwin, cultural anthropologists have published study after study "proving" that humans have evolved to be monogamous. But if that's the case, why on earth are we historically so bad at it?

Ever since Darwin, cultural anthropologists have published study after study “proving” that humans have evolved to be monogamous.

But if that's the case, why, historically, is humanity so bad at it?

www.discoveringpolyamory.com/blog/review-...

Compersion The positive feeling experienced when you see your partner experiencing happiness, separate from you

Compersion is often called the opposite of jealousy. But this is not the case, as you can experience compersion and jealousy at the same time. Compersion is also not simply being happy that your partner is happy. Compersion is about separating your ego from their happiness.

Compersion is the joy in seeing your partner experiencing happiness that is completely disconnected from you. It's about the understanding that our partner having their own joys and experiences isn't a sign that something is wrong in your relationship, and knowing that no matter how happy they might be, they still choose to come back to us.

Compersion is often called the opposite of jealousy. But this is not the case, as you can experience compersion and jealousy at the same time.

Compersion is also not simply being happy that your partner is happy.

Compersion is about separating your ego from their happiness.

#polyamory

It's okay not to know what you want from non-monogamy...

Considering how new non-monogamy is to most of us, it's completely understandable not to know precisely what you want from it. Most of us are figuring things out as we go. It's okay to admit to people that you are not settled on exactly what you are looking for. It's all part of your journey.

Of course, this doesn't mean you are free to mess people around. It's not okay to play with people's feelings just because you are experimenting. If you decide an agreement or situation isn't for you, there will be other people impacted by your decision to walk away. Never be ashamed to explore, but keep other people's feelings in mind as well.

It's okay not to know what you want from #nonmonogamy.

Considering how new non-monogamy is to most of us, it's understandable not to know precisely what you want from it. Most of us are figuring things out as we go. It's all part of your journey.

If you want to explore polyamory, you're going to have to work on your time management skills...

There's an old joke that polyamory never existed before online calendars were invented. And while that's obviously not true, the joke reflects the understanding that effective and collaborative time management is a vital part of healthy polyamorous relationships.

Shared calendars are maybe the greatest tool of polyamory, as they simplify the process of making sure everyone is up to date on plans, and no partner feels slighted because everyone else forgot to keep them in the loop. But it's also important to keep time for yourself. Your time spent with yourself is just as important for your relationships as time spent with your partners.

There's an old joke that #polyamory never existed before online calendars were invented. 
And while that's obviously not true, the joke reflects the understanding that effective and collaborative time management is a vital part of healthy polyamorous relationships.

Let’s take a look at one of the many reasons to explore #polyamory: Exploring and developing your identity.

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"Comet" - A parter you only get to see infrequently when you come into each other's "orbits"

A Comet Partner might be someone you only get to see when travelling for business. Or they could be someone who was once a lot closer before one of you moved away. Or possibly someone you met online and only travel to see in person occasionally. But that distance between you doesn't mean you can't still have a fulfilling relationship.

The quality and importance of a relationship is not determined by physical proximity or the frequency of how often you see them. It's determined by the feeling you have for each other and how you choose to connect. In fact, sometimes the finite nature of your time together is precisely what makes a connection so special. 

The quality and importance of a relationship is not determined by physical proximity or the frequency of how often you see them. It's determined by the feeling you have for each other and how you choose to connect.

The finite nature of your time together can be what makes a connection special

Believe it or not, exploring polyamory can feel very lonely, and that's okay...

Exploring polyamory comes from a desire to create connections that fulfil us and meet our needs.  But having that intention doesn't necessarily make finding those connections any easier. And seeing other people enjoying everything we are still searching for can be difficult, especially if it seems like it comes easily to them.    

Seeing people celebrating their partners and polycules - in person, at events, and especially on social media - can make us feel very lonely. Like we're on the outside, looking in. Particularly when we are more introverted. Please be kind to yourself. And remember, those people you are envying were often once in the same place you are now.

Exploring #polyamory comes from a desire to create connections that fulfil us and meet our needs. 

But having that intention doesn't necessarily make finding those connections any easier.

Please be kind to yourself. And remember, most of us have been in the same place you are now.

Exploring polyamory will not save a broken relationship. It will only make things worse...

Many couples have tried opening up in an attempt to reignite the spark in a failing relationship or navigate the fallout from physical or emotional infidelity. But this rarely works because non-monogamy isn't a way to avoid facing the problems in your relationships. On the contrary, it will force you to confront them head-on.

Exploring polyamory will force you to address every single insecurity you have around relationships. This process is rewarding in the long term, but can be devastating in the short term, especially if you are not in a secure place.  If you and your partner aren't happy in your relationship, non-monogamy will only make that more obvious.

Many couples have tried opening up in an attempt to reignite the spark in a failing relationship or navigate the fallout from infidelity.

But this rarely works. Non-monogamy isn't a way to avoid facing the problems in your relationships. On the contrary, it will force you to confront them head-on.

www.discoveringpolyamory.com/blog/should-...

Everyone needs to start their #polyamory journey somewhere, but who takes on the responsibility for teaching them?

The truth is, it's okay to not want to do so. Because if it's not something you want to do, it can be damaging for everyone concerned.

"Collector" Someone whose only aim is to collect as many partners at once, rather than creating fulfilling relationships.

The sad truth is that no matter how many wonderful people there are in the polyamorous community, there will always be people who see it as a way to boost their ego. "Collectors" are people who actively aim to date as many people as possible, either because they are insecure or because they see their number of partners as a kind of trophy to show off to others.

This isn't to say that dating a lot of people is inherently wrong, or that having many casual partners makes you a bad person. The problem with Collectors is that they use people as objects. They don't see them as humans with their own needs and desires, but as things to obtain and boast about. It's all about their ego.

The sad truth is that no matter how many wonderful people there are in the #polyamorous community, there will always be people who see people as objects to be collected. They don't see them as humans with their own needs and desires, but as things to obtain and boast about. It's all about their ego.

One note, look for the recent second edition by Eve Rickart without her previous co-author's involvement.

Franklyn Veaux is an abuser who spent years using non-monogamy as an excuse to treat his partners like shit, and a lot of his advice in this book is "ENM means I can do whatever I want".

The number of polyamorous events I've gone to where people have PhDs and other advanced degrees always amuses me. Almost as if people have made a career out of their hyperfixations 😆

Setting "Rules" for your partner to follow when opening your relationship will actually make things much harder...

I get it. When we're exploring non-monogamy, setting Rules on what your partner can and can't do can be reassuring.   But how can you ever truly trust your partner if the only reason they don't do the things that might hurt is because there is something external stopping them?  Wouldn't it be better if they chose not to hurt you instead?

The healthier alternative to setting Rules is to make Agreements.  It may seem pedantic, but the words we use to frame our lives have a significant impact on how we think and feel.  With Rules, something holds your partner back from hurting you. With Agreements, your partner is stating that they don't want to hurt you. 

I get it. When we're exploring #nonmonogamy, setting Rules on what your partner can and can't do can be reassuring.  

But how can you ever truly trust your partner if the only reason they don't do the things that might hurt is because there is something external stopping them?

#Polyamory isn't "more evolved" or "better" than monogamy.

Polyamory is about education and understanding. It's a pathway to explore relationships beyond a standardised template that doesn't work for many (if not most) of us.

It's not polyamory vs. monogamy. It's all of us against mononormativity.

Wanting to explore #polyamory does not mean giving up your autonomy or the freedom to say no. Being non-monogamous doesn't mean you are obliged to agree to whatever other people want from you.

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Check-In A scheduled safe space for you and your partner to discuss your relationship When navigating something as complex as polyamory, you can't simply assume you and your partner are on the same page. Setting regular Check-Ins gives you the space to safely discuss your feelings so you can address issues before they evolve into problems.

Check-Ins are important because they provide a safe, judgment-free space. Sometimes, when we feel we can't raise an issue without causing problems, having that space can be vital in helping our communication. And even if there are no issues to discuss, take the opportunity to reconnect and tell them how important they are to you.

When navigating something as complex as #polyamory, you can't simply assume you and your partner are on the same page.

Check-Ins are important because they provide a safe, judgment-free space where we can raise issues and deal with them before they become problems.

One of the joys of polyamory is that it frees us from the idea that one person has to be our "everything". By removing this idea about needing to "complete" each other, we can focus instead on being our authentic selves, leading to stronger, more connected relationships because we are no longer trying to be the person we think our partners need or want us to be.

The idea that I would have to provide everything my partner needs, or that they would have to give up on the things I can't offer them, is exhausting to me.  With polyamory, I can focus on the wonderful parts of my relationships without ever having to worry about anything being "missing". 

One of the joys of #polyamory is that it frees us from the idea that one person is our "everything". We can focus instead on being our authentic selves, leading to stronger, more connected relationships because we are no longer trying to be the person we think our partners need or want us to be.

Don't worry if your polyamory looks different to mine. Polyamory is about discovering the kind of relationships that work for you, not copying what works for others. We can learn a lot by looking at what other people are doing. It's one of the best ways to discover all the different options that are out there. But that doesn't mean we have to emulate them.

You also shouldn't worry if you don't know yet exactly what you want from polyamory.  Exploring polyamory is a learning experience. We start out with an idea, then learn and grow as we discover different options and the ways to make them work with our personalities and lifestyles.  Polyamory is about discovering what works best for you. 

Don't worry if your #polyamory looks different to mine. Polyamory is about discovering the kind of relationships that work for you, not copying what works for others.

There is a big difference between a woman choosing not to date other men and a One Penis Policy. And while it might sometimes seem like the line is grey, it's actually very clear.

It's all about who is making that decision.

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"BI/PAN-ROMANTIC" Someone who feels romantic connections with people of any gender Romantic feelings often come hand-in-hand with sexual ones, but that isn't always the case. While some people can only feel romantic feelings for someone they are sexually attracted to, others have no such restrictions.

One of the lessons we learn from exploring polyamory is that sex and romance are a lot more complex and varied than we are taught.  While some people are sexually straight but bi/panromantic, others are pansexual but only feel romantic to one gender. And, of course, the asexual community can feel romantic connections as much as anyone else. 

One of the lessons we learn from exploring #polyamory is that sex and romance are a lot more complex and varied than we are taught. While some people can only feel romantic feelings for someone they are sexually attracted to, others have no such restrictions.

Deciding you want to explore non-monogamy and polyamory is a big step. Coming to terms with that decision and figuring out precisely what it means for you is an even bigger one. Don't worry if the next steps seem daunting. There is no rush. Take the time to do things at your own speed.

We all encounter worries when beginning our polyamory journey. Are we doing things "right"? Are we moving at the correct speed? Are we looking for the right things in our relationships?  Just remember, we've all been there. And even those of us who have been on this journey for decades are still discovering things we never knew about ourselves. 

Deciding you want to explore non-monogamy and polyamory is a big step. 

Coming to terms with that decision and figuring out precisely what it means for you is an even bigger one. 

Don't worry if the next steps seem daunting. There is no rush. Take the time to do things at your own speed.