Larry’s Twin

Love me, love me, saaaaaay that you love me

i’m actually just 7 problems wrapped in a trench coat

It would definitely make a Wednesday Addams playlist.

Imagine if Cyndi Lauper were Goth the song would be Girls Just Want to Have Funerals.

Imagine going to Ohio. On purpose.

My pullout game is so good I win at Jenga all the time.

It’s nice how my cat will be ignoring me but as soon as I’m doing something, “hey bitch, what’s going on? It’d be a shame if I got in your way”

The two most overplayed songs in the history of radio are:

Free Fallon’ - Tom Petty
Yeah! - Usher

When I said 'conviction is sexy', I meant beliefs, not felonies

Now who wants a warm sourdough chocolate chip cookie? Line forms to the right.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is routinely startled by the sound of my freezer making ice

I have to remind myself to speak as lovingly to my kids as I do my sweet lil pets the cutey patootie cutey pies lil angels they are my lil honey bunches smooch smooch smooch

aesthetically pleasing under good lighting and hard drugs

Commas, because I want you to breathe when I do.

*Pulling up in my minivan blaring Gloria Estefan.

Babe, you ready to have some fun before 9pm?

i dumped one of those flavored powder things in my water so I’m super hydrated or whatever

I will use an entire roll of paper towels to squish and pick up a bug because eww

I love being domestic and shit

Where you can find me for the rest of the year 🧜‍♀️

My dream woman has nice boobs, an oral fixation and likes quiet(ly smoking weed with me)

A dad sneeze so powerful, they have to adjust the 10 day weather outlook.

Having sex: *makes chainsaw noises*

Yes, I’ve danced as if no one was watching. It got me kicked out of Best Buy.

Sorry, I used up all my rizz trying to get extra fries from the waitress at Denny’s.

I got nothing

What's your preference; chocolate starfish or pink taco for lunch?

Ask not what your partner can do for your penis. Ask what your penis can do for your partner