Pointless Letters

Counting pennies and weighing beans I was interested to read your article last Sunday on how full toiletry containers are. I often have baked beans for breakfast and weigh out my beans. I have yet to find a can that has anywhere near the full amount. On average I would say that the amount of beans in a 400g or 410g can is about 392g, and whilst I know there is probably some residual liquid still in the can, I know I'm not getting what it says on the tin! Jackie Howell MBE, Lincoln

“Eight grams short! Eight grams! Sidney! SIDNEY! Get the spreadsheet updated!”

To my mind, apart from occasional reprobates, the people coming here wish for the chance to be decent, honest and hard-working, as in the general population. Perhaps we should worry at the motives of those going to great lengths to persuade us that they all are criminals. Michael Willmott, Coalville, Leicestershire

BURN HIIIIIIIM

First picture: Michael’s letter to the Daily Mail suggesting that immigrants are actually just good people looking for a better life who want to work and contribute.

Second picture: Michael five minutes after the rest of the Daily Mail readership catch up with him.

I don't know how people manage with today's wages in 1963 when I was in the army I was in the army my wages were seven pounds per week in a little brown envelope oh I forgot I had to send four of that to my mum by postal order so that left me with three pounds that was because I was the eldest of seven and in them days you just got on with it. alphaone Selby

“When I was in the army I was in the army.”

That we should concentrate available resources on the weakest in society is a credit to us in the abstract but runs counter to the theory of survival of the fittest, and the UK's financial survival may be at stake. To strike a better balance, maybe welfare payments should be capped or become subject to taxation. When I was young 80 years ago, my very elderly maternal grandfather was a staunch Labour supporter who remembered queueing for just a few hours' work in the Twenties and Thirties, yet he said the Welfare State would break the backbone of our country morally and financially. MOYA CHERRINGTON DAY, Witney, Oxon

Make Britain Cruel Again

Stocks answer The woman who threw a milkshake over Nigel Farage escaped with a suspended sentence, yet Victoria Thomas Bowen's newfound infamy surely created greater curiosity among those likely to view her OnlyFans site, where she uses her semi-clad body for financial gain. A more realistic punishment would have been to put her in the stocks, where she could have reflected on how it feels to have things thrown at you, as the layers of make-up and false eyelashes slid off her face. J. GREEN, Burton upon Trent, Staffs

Strong “I am masturbating as I write this” energy here

VOTE BEAVER

9 years ago. Never forget.

Grub snub There is really no mystery to why Waitrose has stopped selling mashed potato (Letters). It is presumably just following the trend for gradually eradicating our native cuisine from restaurants and supermarkets. AARON WILKERSON, Blackpool, Lancs

“First they came for the mashed potato, and I said nothing, because I was not a complete fucking weirdo trying to paint myself as the victim of some massive culture war conspiracy through the medium of mashed potato.”

Working people I am a landlord in a small way and my managing agent has just informed me that my management charges are to rise by 0.75 per cent, due to National Insurance increases. When my tenants' contract comes up for renewal, I will ask for a rent increase to pay for this. My tenants are working people. So how can the Chancellor say they haven't been affected by the Budget? A. FLASHMAN, Epsom, Surrey

“See what they’re making me do?” weeps landlord grabbing more and more money off of their tenants instead of just making a little less profit. “I don’t want to be taking even more of your cash! Honestly! It’s the government’s fault! I wish I wasn’t doing this! Noooooooo!”

Healing leader Once more the Church of England looks set to make a trendy appointment to the bishopric of Canterbury. I'm sure Guli Francis-Dehgani - whom you reported as criticising Keir Starmer’s ‘island of strangers’ speech - is an admirable member of the Church. But we don't need another cheerleader for refugees leading our faith - rather somebody who can bring the many lost souls in the native population back to their mother church. Now, where did I put that application to join the Catholic congregation? Steve Forshaw, Kettering, Northamptonshire

“I agree with Steve.” said Mrs Bunty Twelvetrees, 83, church organist, raffle organiser, roof repair fund treasurer and hollowed out hate-fuelled husk of a human being, today. “The church is no place for any of these trendy woke types with their notions of kindness and compassion towards others.”

Chocs away How long before the sad wokerati on antisocial media claim Toblerone's decision to stop supplying the dark chocolate version of their bar to the UK is racist? Or am I already too late? Nigel Kerr, Wellington, Somerset

“Bloody snowflakes!” shouted Nigel, working himself up to a coronary at the idea of some imagined criticism of a chocolate bar’s availability by some people he conjured up in his head two minutes ago.

I could not believe we are now feeding the children of this country ("Major school change across England kicks in that'll save parents £450", April 21). It's a little sad that people are paid benefits to help them and they do not use the money to purchase cereal and milk for their children to have breakfast. They seem able to purchase Netflix, top of the range iPads and iPhones, large TVs, cars and tattoos. Yet this government cannot see that. It doesn't take much effort to open a door, take out a bowl, fill it with cereal and milk. Matthew Coulter, Waddington, Lincs

Imagine getting this angry at the idea of children being fed and not going hungry.

Insect deterrent Following calls for the Government to stop housing illegal migrants in costly hotels, why not try tented camps in the Highlands and Islands? At this time of year, the infamous Highland midge will have them wanting to go back to Calais in no time. WILLIAM NELSON, Newtownabbey, Co Antrim

“I’ll be honest with you, I just want to see people suffer.”

The clue is in the name. Womb man = woman. P. TAVENDER, Worthing, Sussex

PEPE SILVIA

SCARY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: This person gets to vote

"I don't care, but I'm really nosy, but I'm not interested, but I'm super curious and it's none of my business but I want to know everything"

Fuck me.

Really love that the person who has obviously made a detailed study of the genitalia of someone else gives credit for them not ogling other women. Absolutely pretzel-shaped logic to make it all work.

There is a person who attends the weekly aquafit class 1 go to. They are discreet, don't ogle the young women and leave the pool a few minutes before the class ends, to shower and use a curtained cubicle to change. They are well over six feet tall, don't have a feminine shape and do have a small package at the front of their swimming costume. Am I the only one to have noticed? I doubt it, although no one has said anything. It is a very lonely life for many trans people and a hard path to follow. I have no plans to advertise that we have a trans woman among us, although she could be a hermaphrodite, I suppose. Elther way, it's a difficult life for someone who obviously doesn't want to announce themself as either. She has probably chosen her lifestyle, whereas I, a woman born female, have not. There are many more of us, so our needs should take precedence. However, I have no objection to our fellow class member quietly occupying some of our safe space. I think most women would have compassion for a person trying to live their best life in their trans skin. Name and address supplied

Or you could, I dunno, just mind your own business and not weirdly stare at the body and genitalia of someone in your aquafit class before writing in to a national newspaper with your speculation about what they’ve got under their swimming costume.

I’m sorry Liz, it’s complete capitulation on the part of the strikers or the summoning of the undead spirits from the other side, them’s the rules.

Ghost of Maggie needed to haunt Unite over strike In Birmingham it seems the Unite union has done its best to keep stinking rotting bags of food as a huge health hazard along city streets as part of its dispute with the council ("Health fear over rats in rubbish", April 9). We need the ghost of Margaret Thatcher to come and sort out Unite. Duncan Hartley, Solihull, W Mids

Who ya gonna call?

GHOST THATCHER

I'm not interested in living in a Net Zero environment, and by the time we get to that point, life won't be worth living. TONY HARVEY Bangor, Co Down

Just an absolute privilege to watch minds like this at work, it really is.

SURPRISE PLOT TWIST!

SIR - The airline I work for used to offer Cadbury's Creme Eggs to passengers at Easter. Cutbacks have since curtailed this largesse but, back in the day, a correctly positioned, unwrapped egg would grow an inch-high chocolate-tipped white stalagmite as the pressure change during ascent forced the fondant centre up and out through the bunghole. I believe changes in manufacturing technique have halted this phenomenon - but then I haven't tried it for a while. Keith Macpherson Houston, Renfrewshire

CORNHOLIOOOOOOOOO

FROM THE ARCHIVES: “Up and out through the bunghole” #Easter

Dystopia day Let’s get it over and done with and go back to the Stone Age. We'll have Net Zero, adopt Sharia Law and ban any religion except Islam. Let every migrant enter, disallow free speech, run prisons like health clubs, make shoplifting legal and encourage everyone to claim benefits. Pay millions to Leftie lawyers, teach children nothing except how wicked our ancestors were, close all farms and give every fish in our seas to the French, while paying slave reparations to anyone who asks. Hang on, it's already happened. BILL FOSTER, Canterbury, Kent

Part of me thinks that I should really feel sympathy for people who spend so much of their lives - and time they absolutely won’t get back - angry, terrified and upset because they’ve been radicalised by right-wing media.

…then I remember that they’re cunts and think “Nah.”

Why should I have to buy my four year old disgusted an Easter egg? My parents never bought me chocolate eggs when I was a child and now I resent having to take part in the annual sugar-fest My parents never got us Easter eggs as kids and it didn’t harm us. Now my wife says we have to buy our four year old daughter one, but I resent having to take part in the annual sugar-fest that is Easter. Am I alone in feeling this way? Should I stick to my guns?

FROM THE ARCHIVES: “Never did me any harm.” says spite-fuelled husk of a human being.

At college I trained as a shorthand typist. I was never the cleverest in the class but I got by, so I was pleasantly surprised when I went for an interview at the council offices and the chap interviewing me asked: 'Have you come for the mayor's job?' Oh, someone sees potential in me,' I thought. I was a bit bemused, though, so 1 sheepishly said, 'No?' 'Then why have you parked your car in his designated parking bay?' he asked. I got up, looked down at the car park, and there it was - my little green battered Mini, looking as proud as punch, even though it was parked a bit skew-whiff, by a sign that read 'MAYOR' in big black letters. How could I not have seen that? He said luckily the mayor was not due in that day. In hindsight, I may have done the mayor a favour, as anyone driving past that morning might have thought the mayor had hit hard times and needed a pay rise! That, or he had driven the wrong car home from one of his bigwig dos the night before! We carried on with the interview but, needless to say, I didn't get the job. Oh well, their loss! Mary Gilbert, Milton Keynes, Bucks

Gripping stuff, it really is

Best of Radio 3 SIR - I will also miss Petroc Trelawny on Radio 3's Breakfast (Letters, April 3), especially for the snippets of information and relevant musical offerings that he delivers so eruditely. I hope he might still be able to present the occasional musical river trip, as he has done over the past few years. If the new incumbent, Tom McKinney, continues in his overuse of superlatives when referring to the tracks he plays, I shall listen to Mr Trelawny's In Tune on BBC Sounds in the morning instead. Alexandra Rous London SE23

IT’S KICKING OFF: For those unfamiliar with this sort of thing, this is BBC Radio 3 listener-speak for “I am a woman who has been pushed to the very edge and will absolutely fuck someone up.”

I know of a family claiming PIP and all the other benefits known to man. Neither parent has held a job in 25 years, yet neither is what I would call disabled and their offspring are in fine health. If you can lay flagstones in the garden of your lovely new social housing bungalow, then there's not too much wrong. Meanwhile, having worked for 45 years full-time and never claimed a penny off the state, I am awed by the latest brand-new, tech-filled vehicle sitting on their drive. I have never owned a new car in my life and I'm never likely to. Oh, I forgot. The new vehicle is on the drive because they have gone to Australia for six weeks. Name and address supplied

TRANSLATION: “I’m a bitter, hate-fuelled, curtain-twitching prick.”

One last one, there’s more but I promise I’m done for now 😃

Even more #BloodyRepeats

Oh this isn’t the first time!

#FromTheArchives

TOP ME HOWEVER YOU LIKE

Have some self respect, Soreen fruit loaf