s_car_go

Honeycrisp apples are the tits.

Be right there to loosen him up!

Sometimes I just wanna suck a dick, you know?

Praying to the Gay Gods that I get this job.

What an interesting penis you have there.

I can’t find my eyebrow threading frequent flyer card and I must have these caterpillars tended to!

Nothing gets my heart beat going like Mario Kart.

My back hurts and I haven’t even had it blown out.

Bitch better have my money!

In the motherland (New Jersey) for the third day IN A ROW.

You’re a liar and this is why Derek don’t like you.

My friend calls him the Keebler Elf. He has been absolute dog shit this series. Home field advantage for what??? Oh, and we’re stuck with him for another EIGHT YEARS.

Another magnificent meltdown in South Philly. Nuke the team! Casty is the first to go.

Why did I wait a year to get a library card? The Free Library of Philadelphia is hands down one of the coolest places in the city.

Are we playing hang man?

I wish I knew how to walk slow. I’m just a caffeinated homosexual and I have places to be!

Damn.

Ravioli ravioli- give me your hole-e-oli.

Homo in blue suit holding an espresso martini.

When the groom’s signature cocktail is an espresso martini and you have six.

Anything for Selenas!

Ticketmaster can lick my fucking balls.

Claussen > Grillo’s don’t @ me.

My bike was the best purchase I made this year. That and therapy, two great investments!

Since we’re just making shit up, may I be raptured and come back as a semi-aquatic dinosaur?

Playing hooky today because I’m worth it.

Nothing like oversleeping and getting in a car accident to start a Monday. We’re just gonna wrap this week up right now. Throwing in the damn towel.

Helmets are fucking sexy!

Cannot believe my gay ass was handed a microphone and was an announcer at the Philly distance run this am. These poor runners being tortured by my voice is surely the last thing they want as they finish. So much fun!!

Not the homosexual Phillies fan! Guess I have to watch.

Shirtless man takes selfie in bathroom mirror.

Be Crime. Do Gay.