Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Got a paragraph into the article, these grifters setup their board of peace operations in a bank. Was that to make the grifting more efficient?
I believe in you
friends, I have brought you a gift
Nothing like increasing gas prices right before the midterms
It's as if the birds don't know or care we turned the clocks forward an hour. They're just out there chirping away at what's now 9AM, like nothing changed.
Incredible
The Constitution unambiguously gives only Congress the power to declare war.
Our elected leaders in Congress must reassert their role as the people's representatives and take action now before more lives are lost.
Getting really flustered during battle because my sword makes a flirty little "ooh!" sound instead of a "clang" every time it hits another sword.
Woah, super fun 90s vibes
Nothing like waking up to war with Iran all because we can't hold rich people accountable.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I've been told not to look a hotdog horse in the mouth
Well, that was a dope little surprise to start my day. Thanks!
He's no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they're the snooziest
He can't make smalltalk
He's just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he's the choosiest
He's
I love the little dance stepping he does at the end
Well, I fucking hate this.
Dudes will swear homosexuality is a modern construct and then show you their collection of antique, ornate flintlock pistols.
I'm sorry Ms Jackson
I am surreal
Never meant to make your daughter cry
I'm a fish with one gigantic eye
Hey Hollywood: Dragons vs WWII fighter planes. You’re welcome.
Is Nancy Guthrie in Italy?
Haven't been in ages but it's a classic
I'd settle for a pound of flesh
we should have a third industry besides AI and gambling
I did not guess what that was about
The brick and mortar guy just showed up to do some work on the second floor exterior wall. Instead of coming through the house he just grabbed his ladder, climbed up and then pulled his ladder up after himself.
My plan to gain weight is not working out.
🫠
i fucking love smashing buttons. what kind of button doesn't even matter at all. show me a button, and buddy, i'm gonna smash the shit out of it
