Nerdy Fat Guy

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Don’t worry if other people don’t like you. All that matters is that you don’t like you

Why is that girl winking at me?

I remember "Matt Houston" having a setup like this. I think it was covered in brown velour.

I want my official cause of death to be "cheese."

I need Life Alert. I'm not elderly, I just do a lot of stupid shit

Seahorse ➡️ Sawhorse

SON: dad what’s the difference between present tense and past tense?

ME:

I did, seven years ago.

Sorry to hear you had this experience.

The generic headache meds in the company's first aid center are called 'Pain Away', so I still have a headache, but Peaches is singing in my head to distract from it.

One mental illness, then?

Do you have a moment to hear about the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement?

Because of *course* we have radioactive wasps.

[birthday party]

MEDUSA, rubbing the bridge of her nose: who got me a Pet Rock

Can you reach them to ensure they aren't the victim of identity theft?

MIL fell for the "you have a virus", they cloned her number so security texts came to them. She lost about $3k in the end.

Once had an old dude* yell at me for not picking up after my dog as poo is still exiting her butt.

* OLD old. Like probably my current age.

Fuckin' global warming has ruined my fall-back life choice when being an office drone in this modern society becomes unwelcome.

Apparently, being a yak-herder in the Himalayas is facing its own problems.

Is Diet Pepsi okay?

Sign in an animal shelter, "advertising" a dog: "My personality: "I am very shy but I am very food motivated so I am just a few treats away from being your new best friend"

Gonna borrow this rescue pup's bio

Have you eaten? I usually get a similar feeling if my blood sugar is low.

Or it could be a similar false response like hypothermia victims who strip as their synapses suddenly tell them they're overheating.

I adore you more each time you appear in my feed.

And then I was like, Roald— make the peach GIANT. No one gives a shit about a normal ass peach

Just had a vision of my grandma serving us ice cream when we visited for dinner.

No scoop. My grandparents kept their freezer so cold she used a 10" carbon steel chef's knife to pry out wedges.

It took me years to finish writing this post...

IM EASILY DISTRACTED

"Ooh, shiny!" Is the reason I give any time I don't finish a task (or seven tasks in rapid succession.)

Yes, I misspelled it. It's been that long.

The ice cream treat my childhood dreams were made of... last time I checked I couldn't buy it in the U.S. anymore.

youtu.be/BE9wVHjKWM8?...

Time to rifle through the pantry, I want this now!

We need to teach people the difference between being uncomfortable and being unsafe. Because the discomfort of the safest people is endangering the most vulnerable, all day every day.

People who apologize to me for my having caused them a problem must have seriously low self-esteem.

Because I do this constantly, and my mental health is *ALL KINDS* of fucked up.

Neither have I!

Only because I haven't had a corn dog ever.