Jed Salisbury

Just saw a TikTok trend where you call your friend just to say goodnight and see how they react.
I can’t do that, I don’t have the right vibe for it. If I tried, I wouldn’t get a funny goodnight, what I would get is a welfare check from the police.

Bought my first pair of pyjamas as an adult. I’m a pyjama man now. Like “babe not tonight. These are fresh pyjamas” man.

I love how Boston right now is essentially that scene in Spider-Man movies where the city steps up. But instead of fighting the green goblin they’re fighting the orange goblin and ice.

Who’d have guessed that taking punches to the head for a living would lead to you standing as a Reform candidate?

Sat in a pub by myself as I have habitual late friends. And this 20 year olds comes up to me and ask if I’m drinking alone because she feels so bad if I am. As she hates seeing old people alone. OLD PEOPLE.

Shoe Zone is closing all physical stores and moving to online sales only. Saving millions …of kids from bullying.

Just very loudly sang “Where them girls at, girls at? Where them girls at, girls at?” As I sat down to watch wrestling with Chinese food. I can tell you where they’re at. Not here Salisbury.

Honestly I think I missed my calling being a bartender. That good one that pours you a drink and wants to hear about your tough day.

Heading to Leicester Comedy Festival this weekend for some epic shows!

🎤 Best in Class Showcase – 15 Feb, 7PM
📍 PETER Pizzeria – Violin Room (£10)
🎟️ comedy-festival.co.uk/events/best-in-class

Plus, two Jeddy & Gary Save the World shows for the UK Kids’ Comedy Festival!

Since girls can do Galentines on Valentines I thought I’d join in and text my mate “Be my Palentines?” but it autocorrected to “be my Palestine?” and Israeli not going down well.

My main beef with bottomless brunch it’s just bottomless booze. Like nah, keep your Prosecco just let me go crazy on some eggs benedict.

Doing food and hygiene training at work. I’m thinking of some of the kitchens I’ve worked in on Overcooked and I don’t know how them businesses were allowed to operate. Absolute liberties.

a close up of a cartoon character with a red cape ALT: a close up of a cartoon character with a red cape

Sketch idea: The former beast having to have a conversation with his servant that was formerly the couch whose gap he used to hump.

All the jokes. Zero irons

two bananas giving each other a thumbs up in front of a mirror ALT: two bananas giving each other a thumbs up in front of a mirror

Started a book club with my class and gave one of my students a book about a boy escaping a concentration camp. He said, ‘Oh, like The Boy in the Striped Bananas?!’.

Went to go see We Live In Time, it was me and literally 40 teenage girls, all of them us crying. It was like when Zayn left all over again.

First gig of the year out the way. Perfect start to a gigging year.

Looking to set some comedy goals this year.

I break into one of the big clubs and gig abroad.

Manifesting them here. 🤞🏻

Of course I’ve got commitments issues, I shop at Heron. Anytime I find something i love it never gets stocked again.

Proper mad start to Christmas, on my morning walk, some old lad shouts “You boy!” out his window, throws me money, and tells me to buy a goose for his employee. Butchers is shut, so I bought myself some voddy and scratch cards instead. Merry Christmas.

Sorry to the girl on the train that just saw me absolutely devour a pack of squashies and then immediately neck a can of dr.pepper. It’s been one of them days.

Harry Potter is wild. Like this group of dark wizards and their leader killed your family he then does no research. Like they’re throwing up dark marks and he’s like “what’s that?”. Mate do a bit of reading.

you win some you lose some. 🤷‍♂️

Just got a letter from my new landlord saying they want to put my rent up by 71%. £355 increase. How is living this expensive? It’s not even that fun.

Nothing like a two hour tattoo session to realise just how boring you are as a person.

Someone just referred to me as a failed comedian. Which hurt because I’m not failed. I’m failing. This is me still trying.

After my funeral they’re gonna read out my Will and at most someone is gonna walk away with 7 unspent audible credits.

“Are you the “so called” comedians?”

“You don’t look funny!”

“Here’s one you can have …”

“I tell you who I like, Chubs. He just tells it how it is!”

“You can’t say anything anymore can ya”

Watching The Sweeney Movie. Fun fact they originally wanted Jason Statham for this film. But he declined so they went with Plan B.

In a restaurant with my Dad (who doesn’t really do dining out). They give us our starter and a lemon water bowl on the side. Looks at me confused.

“That’s the palette cleanser soup”

He nods.

Sadness buddies ❤️