naturally, as a matter of course

people need to start getting mad when people imply women only play cozy games. they're putting you into the domestic labour class even in video games bro.

Tomorrow came and the fog has cleared up some.

But tomorrow comes, and all that. And tomorrow is Friday.

It's also really frustrating to realize that you'd probably be able to deal with everything you gotta deal with, if your brain wasn't so busy tiring itself out and not producing enough "Happy" Juice.

I am very frustrated how sometimes the brain can go from doing Your Average Baseline to Really Bad really fast. You can go from feeling overwhelmed but hopeful enough to just despair.

It's so startling.

Going to bed, didn't get much better. Trying my best not to apologize to people for Not Performing Friendship well today.

I'm at least proud that I can stop and recognize what's happening and be like. Ok. This too shall pass.

I love my friends.

Shout-out to my other friend as well, for both sharing about their passion and being understanding.

Bestie got me sat in VC and is showing me a comedy special he saw recently, which is really helping me ground myself.

Seasonal depression is crazy.

Got hit with a sudden burst of really strange bout of depression. It's like, you're not even crashing, you're just feeling really heavy, where it's hard to think or speak, and it feels like there's a rock inside you that's locked in freefall. It's really strange?

For one, I don't think I even know how to take a break properly. But also there's just... not time. I have work. I have uni. I have your usual day to day stuff to take care of. Living with mom, while challenging on some fronts, at least alleviates some of the house work stuff.

This isn't even me battling insomnia at this point, just how much depression is making it hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings. I'm always feeling at least slightly overwhelmed, but I don't really have the space to take a break properly.

get up and scan the QR code of the coffee bean can in the kitchen. I succeeded on Friday, and technically on Sat and Sun, but failed miserably every other day since last Wednesday.

Therapy in 15 minutes, and I get to talk about how I utterly failed with my homework. ✌️I don't feel ashamed, as much as just disappointed in myself. The homework was to try getting out of bed on time for a week, with putting my phone out of reach or in my case installing an app that forces me to

Thinking of investing in one of those SAD lamps. Multiple people I know have said they've either been recommended to them by mental health specialists or just have helped them.

Having a massively weird day. Called out of work, slept in till 4pm. For all I know I slept fine during the night, and I don't feel more depressed than usual. But something about today just got to me.

Having a small priv like this where I can yap when I'm feeling morose is nice.

Eternally thankful that my work schedule is so flexible. Truly could not have gone in a field better suited to my needs, in terms of work schedule and ability to wfh.

Had a rough time getting out of bed today, so I started work late, to my personal disappointment. But I am at least able to recognize that part of it is probably that my period is coming any day now. I also had some weird work related nightmares that I have no memory of, which didn't help.

It's also difficult to get to things that you're not sure is gonna give you some kind of positive reward/feeling in the end, because your depressed brain is so starved for good feelings, a lot of things just become less bearable.

There's also the pervasiveness of feeling like something only has value when it is seen or serves some kind of purpose, or that it feels like I have to optimize my free time.

Depression is truly the worst. I've got a lot of stuff I would like to do, but then I get overwhelmed by how much my time is limited on this earth and in my daily life, I settle on the thought, "Feels kinda of pointless", and I just end up doing nothing or counting down hours to when I can sleep.

One thing about therapists that I find a bit funny is their maintained/practiced sympathy face. They all have one. I can't decide if I find it distracting or helpful. I wonder if it's faux pas to ask about it. I wouldn't wanna make her feel self-conscious or stop doing it.

She's also consistently been good about respecting my pronouns and self-expression, and she seems to know how to manage and work with my ADHD idiosyncrasies.

doodle of a cat jumping out of a pumpkin screaming boo!

boo!

Man, my therapist is such a goat. I still can't quite believe how lucky I got with her. I was dragging my feet for so long, cuz I know the process of finding a therapist that you mesh with and works for you is so daunting, but we just click so well, and I feel so validated for choosing CBT.

I realize this probably stems from some sort of lifelong autistic hypervigilence over how I'm perceived and how to successfully navigate social situations, but it eats at me sometimes.

There's a specific kind of brain poison I should discuss in therapy, where I will sometimes talk about a sincerely held belief, but then will question my motives for saying those things aloud. Am I "virtue signalling"? Am I say this to "further my social capital"?