forceps

I hope this is februarys dip i really do. Ive been doing better than ever i think but this is just. This js just so

I want to cry i really really really want to cry

Freaking out badly fuck my life

Classwork is also just kicking my ass bc i feel like im touching a hot stove anytime im not distracted

Idfc to put a name on it i was just in agony for an hour or so. Right after being really impressed with how well i was doing. Lol lmao even

Yesterday i was thinking wow, ive been doing really great lately. I dont even want to kill myself or anything. And then i immediately had some sort of Event for like an hour and now i want to die again

And at the end of the day i am not interesting, attractive, or valuable enough to make up for it

I get so angry at what is virtually nothing. I butt heads with everyone. Everything feels like a personal attack or sign im being alienated

Too deeply exhausted with responsibilities to reply to anyone, too needle focused on like two things to engage about anything else with anyone, too lazy to work, too overwhelmed to relax, too scattered to do anything good with my time, too uptight to humor anything

i fear im just becoming a deeply unpleasant person

I talk really big game about killing myself all the time but i never will. its always too close to me for comfort. it follows me. if i come close to losing another friend, if i DO lose a friend this time, i dont know how ill even be able to look in the mirror

Feels like no one wants me around. Like im in the way of everyone. Most of it is my fault. It hurts.

and what are you gonna do about it? Idk. Wish i wasnt born or something. itll pass. i have to wait for it to pass. But fucking everything is happening tonight.

Horrible fucking night

nothing like being confronted for being an absent friend to remind u ur. Well. An absent friend

Frownful. i need to reply to people today. i feel awful

im back to hoping i just dont wake up

i just qant it to be over. everythings so overwhelming i might as well just stop talking to everyone bcs im never not gonna be doing this lol

Yes the world doesnt end when you fail a class and your laptop starts shitting itself right before going BACK to school but like. Lol. Lol. Lol

Like seriously what do i do. how am i supposed to take this any other way than like, yeah you should die

Im still thinking abt the fact that i was like "if one more thing happens im gonna explode" and then TWO more things happened

Talking with 🦌 about how much things fucking suck right now

dawg i gotta kill myself

i hate being alive. why cant i be anything worthwhile

Feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces a little bit

Wait new years is bad im not jsut being crazy out of the blue. Huge sigh of relief

Wait i forgot every new years ever has sucked for me i feel so much better now lol

Fuck the new year fuck being alive

and i had to practically encode that shit to even be able to say it. Its put very lightly and vaguely here too lol. I often feel i am mourning him and its my fault. And i am disgusted i feel this way about him (mourning) when hes alive and well <- closest i can put it

post brought to you by me trying to express the feelings that really start to bother me when my brother reaches out to me (guilt, disgust for not being present enough then or now, feeling he suffered when i should have, feeling anyone would be better family to him, that this is all in my head)