pond. an alt

at least now my sheets are done in the dryer and I can actually go to bed

feel sick to my stomach over something that doesn't even really matter...

I wish I could let go of others the way they let go of me.

surely it means nothing that I woke up from a dream where my family was normal, spent the next hour feeling vaguely bad, and am now mentally going "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" over seemingly nothing

talked to the roommate's parents and they're always so sweet

I always worry about the small chance of getting kicked out if their daughter gets angry enough, but they immediately got frustrated on my behalf. they're definitely not kicking me or anything out over what happened last night

luckily her parents (the ones who actually could kick me out) are very lovely people

but the more she complains to them the more worried I get, and she is more upset than ever.... over my 3 minutes in the bathroom

wish that my roommate would just try to talk out any issues she has with me instead of making me have to worry about my living situation at every minor inconvenience

oh she's been complaining to her sister (my other roommate) for the last 10 minutes and is demanding to know when i'm moving out.

over a three minute shower

love that my roommate can take multiple hours in our only bathroom without warning whenever she wants

but the second i need a 3 minute shower i'm told it's a "shitty move" because i'm supposed to somehow know she needs to get ready for bed right at that second

i'm so fucking tired of her bullshit

doing better again.

i just get too fixated on past regrets sometimes

I feel like I'll always be a broken child, at least some extent

or, I guess maybe I don't actually. there are people I love who are only still in my life because I didn't give up when things were bad

but

there are some things that will never be fixed. and those hurt to think about.

wish I knew how to let go of things

it's too early for my thoughts to be so rancid

well. with my brain like this tonight I might as well go to bed

maybe this'll change whenever I move to seattle.

I actually have friends there. maybe some I could even be affectionate with

but who knows when that's going to be. and I have hesitancies about it too...

I just feel so isolated and alone offline.

lately I've been happy about how my life has been going, knowing that even if it's an unusual way of living it's also only way I've been able to enjoy

but. I do look at others with some jealousy. I've missed out on too much and it feels like I am even now. it would help if I knew how to be human.

even though things have been better than ever, that doesn't stopdepression from kicking in once in a while

it felt like a group of friends for a while and now I just feel like an outcast. but do I want things to go back to how they were? idk

it's been a lot less fun lately..

i wonder how I even feel about a space I'm in now

in spite of everything, I've actually been doing the best I have in years lately.

this will run its course as it always does and things can get back to feeling okay..

hugs you tight

want someone that I can hold close to me on nights like this

feeling overwhelmed, out of place, left behind, incapable, lifeless. the list goes on...

don't even know why I'm feeling like this tonight. but I am.

got out of bed for 10 minutes since I was feeling a bit better and now I'm already back under the blankets with my head swirling

why does the roommate have to be so loud today...

every sound feels bad today. makes me feel sick and scared.

why does my dumbass brain gotta be so dramatic.

bitch, you've been having fun! you can keep doing that! you're allowed!