@sonofmanagement.bsky.social
I am known by many names: I am He whose promotion to senior VP was foretold. The Son of Management. Jesus of Nazareth, Inc. I helped grow Father & Sons Holy Spirits, LLC, from a tiny startup with a staff of twelve into a global conglomerate.
“You had one Job.”
–Me, talking to Satan
People are skeptical of Wrapture™️, but I think our previous brand extensions speak for themselves.
Jentucky Fried Chikcen is one of the most often-mentioned food service brands on social media!
Dear [candidate],
Thank you for taking the time to apply. We appreciate your interest.
Unfortunately, at this time we have decided to move forward with the rapture of another candidate whose faith better matches our needs at this time.
Holy regards,
Jesus F. Christ
What did you guys think I was talking about?
Announcing Wrapture, our new southwestern wrap food truck franchise!
Them: Why does your sales projection turn straight down starting on Tuesday?
Me: *sweats*
Hm? My schedule on Tuesday? Why do you ask?
#Rapture
This meeting really could have been a letter to the Ephesians.
“Joining us today on the podcast is executive, thought leader, and literal son of God, Jesus F. Christ. We’ll be talking about his new book, ‘Hack the Afterlife: 10 Commandments to Turbocharge Your Salvation.’”
“Biblically-accurate” filter in Zoom.
Will the security badge on your lanyard get you through the pearly gates?
I expect Lucifer’s orthopedic footwear startup to do well.
Guy knows a thing or two about “fallen arches.”
This Sunday’s sermon is about calculating ROI.
[water bong sounds]
*giggling*
“Most high God,” they called me.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
This isn’t a joke. We’re just all going out for drinks after work.
Buddha: *laughs so hard tears stream down his face*
Me [breathless from laughing]: …and then *gasps* and then, I told them the wine was my blood!
[whole table erupts with laughter]
Brian: So, do you think it's ethical for me to claim that expense?
Me [pointing and gesturing upwards with my eyes]: You'll need to ask the big guy upstairs.
Brian: You mean…
Me: Yes. Steve, from Accounting.
Marnie: Where's Beth?
Judy: She's gone to be with the Lord.
Marnie: What?! I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened?
Judy: Hm? Oh! No, I mean she's in his office, getting her 90-day performance evaluation.
Just hanging out at the monastery this weekend, chilling with the bros.
The first commandment was actually “Accept no substitutes.” MosesGPT added all the flowery language.
My friend Helen is always asking everyone, “Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?”
She works in HR. There are policies about office romance and she’s trying to keep on top of it.
This meeting really could have been a psalm.
I’m sorry, but I can’t override the paid time off policy. You’ll need to talk to someone in Supernatural Resources.
Tax attorney: Aren’t you the “render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s” guy?
Me: Yeah. But is this tax loophole legal?
Tax attorney: 100%.
Me: Then it’s *not* Caesar’s, is it?
I mean…
Me: This new campaign is going to send our stock price up to Heaven!
Chad: You think so? Gee, thanks, Boss!
Me: …
Chad: …
Me: …
Chad: What?
Me: How do things get to Heaven, Chad?
Chad: They . . . die?
Me: Uh-huh.
Chad: Oh.
Me: Uh-huh.
Whoever follows Me on Bluesky shall not perish, but have eternal lols.
Ah. The weekend. I’m taking some Me time.
*turns off new prayer notifications*
TDIF, am I right?
[filling out worker’s comp claim for stigmata]