Zach

They should invent a bagel and a half

Men you’ve had a super meaningful 3-4 text exchange with months ago will straight up ignore you. It’s wild.

Can he check my prostate?

I’m unc and grub or whatever :(

Dm me

I’ll try anything twice

Have just started responding “what’s wrong with you?” when men say stupid things to me.

Ivermectin

Wait here’s another one

I think Selena Meyer is a good parent.

Do you ever think about the first ever person whose mind wandered at the movies must have been like GOD DAMNNIT this cost me 5¢!

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE N, R, AND W

The year is 2040. I wake up and eat a bean containing 80g protein and -20 calories. After I administer my ozempic microdose shot I send an electric shock to my brain to make sure I can’t remember the workday where, instead of creating shareholder value, I’m mining for poor people’s credit scores and

Has anyone ever fallen over the dress circle balcony at Carnegie because this lady next to me is making me nervous…

I love that I can keep a deeply detailed mental inventory of every man at my gym an I assume I’m 100% invisible to each of them

Uber wants to remind me 15 times via email that I took a ride with them recently and it cost me money

Can anyone remember when they used to get a great night of sleep night after night?

Oh he’s gonna be mad mad tomorrow

I HATE that we use maps to talk about elections

If I were to run for president, which I’m not saying I would do, I’d make sure Worst Cooks in America played every day and we voted on important ballots(?) together after that. Probably on our phones.

First of all… how dare the pricing director at Paul Smith?

I ❤️ NY season is June, September. I HATE NY season is Jan-May, Oct-Dec.

Want to know how I’m 400 years old? I just had to change the name of my current AirPods to “ZACH GOOD AIRPODS” so I can easily find them in Bluetooth

I love NYC in the fall because instead of smelling like hot garbage it smells like cold garbage

I mean… top tier toy

🙄

She’s ok

Whenever I see a social post that’s like “goodbye for now…” I’m like great, this asshole is moving to New York and I’m right most of the time

MUTTER