Boobsy Snickerdoodle

Shout-out to all the Good Men who send breakup texts to their sexting sidepieces when they get engaged and do not text “Hey” again until four months after the wedding

Guys think it’s sarcastic to be like “oh girls can get assaulted and say this is fine and then 17 years later be like omg I was raped!” but yes that is literally what happens lol

I knew a girl named Nicole but she spelled it Nichole so I was calling her ni-chole and she said it was wrong so I called her nick-hole and she said that was wrong too so I blew her boyfriend

Scrolling through my tweets to find a “clean” one, found one that’s mostly PG except for one little tiny part about tittyfucking

Guys I haven’t talked to for years suddenly remember me when they’re getting over a divorce, and they’re always getting over it 3 years before it happens

Please tell me I’m pretty and sexy and you are obsessed with me and also do not tell me any of those things and leave me the fuck alone, thanks bye

When I was 15 I was wild enough to make a bra out of Fruit by the Foot and wear it at a party for half an hour, but not wild enough to let everyone eat it off of me and that is the part that embarrasses me

When I was 12 I thought the hot teenage lifeguard was waving at me so I waved back but he was really waving at his hot teenage girlfriend. Now he’s bald and married and sending me dick pics and I can’t tell who won in this situation.

TEACHER: Chloe, I think some of the students are finding your outfits distracting.

ME: [wearing a blinking neon sign that says TITS] Well that’s ridiculous

My pussy totally gets wet enough so if I ask you to spit on it, it is just for the disrespect

Most of my tweets are totally exaggerated, like I did one about jerking off my boyfriend behind the gym in high school but that’s not really true, he wasn’t my boyfriend

ME: [moaning about my period] Jesus Christ my vagina is just absolutely spewing out—

SISTER: You’re on speaker

ME: —rainbows and peppermint

I only ever learned two things in high school: how to eat my lunch in 10 minutes at 11:24 in the morning so I’d still have time to go behind the gym and jerk off my boyfriend before the bell rang for math class, and some shit about PEMDAS

HIM: this weed smells amazing

ME: I hid it in my vagina for a four-hour flight

[awkward pause until the end of time]

I tried to go streaking with some friends but I forgot I can’t run. I ended up on the ground panting for breath and I told them “Go on without me” like a soldier on the battlefield and they left me there crumpled up naked in the damp grass

If I want to get banged by 8 guys, it isn’t some type of nasty slutty thing, I just need to get fucked for about 20 minutes and I did the math

I think my favorite thing about dating left-handed guys is seeing the wedding ring in their jerk-off vids

I went on to zoom with my mom and my name was set as “hairy twat” so I had to explain my last zoom was with my doctor

That part of childhood where you don’t even know what sex is but you know you wanna get railed by all four ninja turtles

My pussy is like a DVD player: hot in the 90s, nobody’s used it in years, you’re not really supposed to shove a zucchini in there

I used to pee with the door open when I was hanging out with friends, even guys, and one of them just confessed 20 years later that I inspired a lifelong fetish, oopsie

I showed my tweets to my mom. She scrolled through like 45 blowjob tweets and didn’t blink. Then she got to one about licking a guy’s butt and she said, “Did you have to make it nasty?”

When I was 13 I lifted my shirt and flashed my bra at some guys in a passing car, they were like “Show us some more, honey” and I said “I’m 13” and they sped off like they just robbed a bank

THEM: Are you desperate for attention or something

ME: [topless in marching band uniform, beating big drum] How dare you

[watches porn] haha this is so dumb, there is literally no plot

[watches a movie with a plot] what the fuck is going on

Never understood what guys get out of sending unsolicited pics, but I just forwarded one to the guy’s mom and I’m like wow, that IS fun

A young man just moved in next door and I want to give him a housewarming present, I’m thinking binoculars

I haven’t sucked a dick in so long, I don’t even know how the new ones work. Do they have 5G?

That thing in movies where a bump on the head gives you amnesia and you need another bump to undo it, but it’s me trying to heal a sexual trauma by seeking more sexual traumas lol

Fucked up how rumors get started and totally spin out of control. My best friend in HS came to me in tears because she heard I fucked her boyfriend. I was like omg WHAT?!?! honey, no, I gave him a blowjob.