Also every month before my period I would get bloated and my boobs swelled up like balloons so the pregnancy rumors were like a special PMS treat
When I was in college I posed for some tasteful B&W nudes, and I’m constantly scared that they’ll show up online and people will think I’m tasteful
I came here to gain weight and give blowjobs and I’m all out of cheese fries
In 10th grade I gained weight and everybody started saying I was pregnant. The teachers heard about it and I got sent to guidance and I had to explain to the counselor that you can’t get pregnant from giving blowjobs.
Guys suddenly deciding halfway through high school that handjobs are useless, a waste of time, the worst. I didn’t hear you complaining about them freshman year, Justin.
Yes, I know your wife is “fine” with you sending dick pics, but I’m still going to need you to send one with her giving the thumbs-up in the background
The difference between a boy friend and a boyfriend is that a boyfriend sees you naked without having to ask, a friend just begs for it constantly
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“At least I was never molested before puberty!” she said, awarding a trophy to every man on earth
When he cancels plans to sext with you and gives some lame excuse like “My wife is in labor” 🚩
Shout-out to all the Good Men who send breakup texts to their sexting sidepieces when they get engaged and do not text “Hey” again until four months after the wedding
Guys think it’s sarcastic to be like “oh girls can get assaulted and say this is fine and then 17 years later be like omg I was raped!” but yes that is literally what happens lol
I knew a girl named Nicole but she spelled it Nichole so I was calling her ni-chole and she said it was wrong so I called her nick-hole and she said that was wrong too so I blew her boyfriend
Scrolling through my tweets to find a “clean” one, found one that’s mostly PG except for one little tiny part about tittyfucking
Guys I haven’t talked to for years suddenly remember me when they’re getting over a divorce, and they’re always getting over it 3 years before it happens
Please tell me I’m pretty and sexy and you are obsessed with me and also do not tell me any of those things and leave me the fuck alone, thanks bye
When I was 15 I was wild enough to make a bra out of Fruit by the Foot and wear it at a party for half an hour, but not wild enough to let everyone eat it off of me and that is the part that embarrasses me
When I was 12 I thought the hot teenage lifeguard was waving at me so I waved back but he was really waving at his hot teenage girlfriend. Now he’s bald and married and sending me dick pics and I can’t tell who won in this situation.
TEACHER: Chloe, I think some of the students are finding your outfits distracting.
ME: [wearing a blinking neon sign that says TITS] Well that’s ridiculous
My pussy totally gets wet enough so if I ask you to spit on it, it is just for the disrespect
Most of my tweets are totally exaggerated, like I did one about jerking off my boyfriend behind the gym in high school but that’s not really true, he wasn’t my boyfriend
ME: [moaning about my period] Jesus Christ my vagina is just absolutely spewing out—
SISTER: You’re on speaker
ME: —rainbows and peppermint
I only ever learned two things in high school: how to eat my lunch in 10 minutes at 11:24 in the morning so I’d still have time to go behind the gym and jerk off my boyfriend before the bell rang for math class, and some shit about PEMDAS
HIM: this weed smells amazing
ME: I hid it in my vagina for a four-hour flight
[awkward pause until the end of time]
I tried to go streaking with some friends but I forgot I can’t run. I ended up on the ground panting for breath and I told them “Go on without me” like a soldier on the battlefield and they left me there crumpled up naked in the damp grass
If I want to get banged by 8 guys, it isn’t some type of nasty slutty thing, I just need to get fucked for about 20 minutes and I did the math
I think my favorite thing about dating left-handed guys is seeing the wedding ring in their jerk-off vids
I went on to zoom with my mom and my name was set as “hairy twat” so I had to explain my last zoom was with my doctor
That part of childhood where you don’t even know what sex is but you know you wanna get railed by all four ninja turtles
My pussy is like a DVD player: hot in the 90s, nobody’s used it in years, you’re not really supposed to shove a zucchini in there
