Bergs

No no.. not Dick. No. Not Dick Cheney… no no no no… I was just with him last night

Wow. Unfollowing now. Was a big fan of walking seven paces behind you on a dark street. Had no idea it was gonna make you freak out.

GUY WHO INVENTED THE BURRITO: awesome. I just invented a delicious food I call it a “burrito”

17-YEAR OLD BOY: (appearing out of thin air in gym clothes) can I get a steak bowl light rice double protein

amnesiac conservative guy going to Five Guys and making the same post complaining about how much it costs every single day

A “does the dog die” website but it’s specifically about characters named Mufasa

MY COP EX-BOYFRIEND: (digging through old police reports) holy shit.. looks like citizens were reporting seeing Jack O Lanterns as far back as 1922

ME: (pacing behind him and furiously biting my nails) so I’m not fucking crazy, right??

LeBron not being implicated as part of the FBI’s NBA gambling scheme goes to show he is nowhere near Jordan’s level

I heard Trump removed the White House’s rib so he can suck his own dick

(completely dead behind the eyes, without a single trace of enthusiasm) that’s fire.

everyone at this open mic is pulling out their best jokes because there’s rumors that the guy who invented roasted red pepper hummus is in the audience

the world is desperate for a Christian Weird Al

yeah you’d love that wouldn’t you. You’d love more engagement happening on your braindead little platform wouldn’t you

According to my meticulous spreadsheets, I believe over two hundred women every day. Just the type of ally I am.

It’s crazy that we still only have one Eiffel Tower. With the way human society has advanced since 1889, there’s no reason we shouldn’t have hundreds by now

yep.. I love never releasing the Epstein list, allying with international sex traffickers, and running an agency called ICE that abducts women & children, putting them in vans so they’re never seen again. All of these things because of my deeply held conservatism and unshakable faith in Jesus Christ

PIZZA PLACE: (after sprinkling Parmesan on some baked pizza dough) I call it “Fucked Up Insane-o Bread”

I de aged him to show how much Daniel Radcliffe looks like Harry Potter

that explains it.. they’re both nepo babies

Every time I see Daniel Radcliffe (the actor) I swear to god he’s a dead ringer for Harry Potter.. am I crazy or does anyone else see it??

Bad Bunny halftime? Makes me sick. They should have catered the halftime show to me, the alcoholic who was going to watch the Super Bowl no matter what

Oh hell no.. Elmer is losing his shit right now. He is so pissed that Wascally Wabbit is doing the Super Bowl halftime show

don’t ya hate it when you dismember a journalist and the next day it’s reported on the paper? It’s like “awww shit now I gotta dismember another one”
(Riyadh crowd goes fucking nuts)
ha ha crazy I know. Now how many yall like pussy??

(Austin comic who thinks the R-word is “Riyadh”) the R-word is back

George Carlin at the Riyadh comedy festival doing his famous “600 things you can’t say on tv” bit

fuck. the Supreme Court just overturned slamming your laptop shut until Monday

Some people see that the dress is black, and some people see the dress is gold. But I have unpublished information that the dress is actually a radical leftist gunman who owns Too Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar on VHS

writing “I love woke, and hate cops and good Christian fathers” on my huge ass sniper rifle ammo