Family forgot to invite me to Christmas this year. I was at work when I got a message 🤡
Listening to Sabrina Carpenter on the way to my vasectomy is going to come up in two truths and a lie later.
I left my mma gym and suddenly my “ride or die” homies don’t send me reels anymore (this is how straight men know they’re friends)
“If your ears are ringing, someone is talking about you.”
Are they talking about my unsupervised times with fireworks?
How I used to stand next to the speakers at small hardcore shows?
Or the guns with no ear protection?
Me: watching arrested development
Wife: I’m gonna bring the mood way down
*Puts on Handmaids Tale*
People are like “I finished Adolescence on Netflix”
Cool, I finished Adolescence in real life 10 years ago tf?
If loving you is wrong, back up your claim with peer reviewed research.
My sweet boy 8 years ago
(2 human years)
Waiting until my therapy appointment today to return a text message, and wondering how often people do that?
*At the gym*
Wife: I feel like this movement will give me a big neck
Me: It won’t, I’ve been trying to get a thick neck
Her: You do have a thick neck
Me: ☺️
We should have Men’s day on the anniversary of the day men fought for our right to vote, own property, not be property, or have a bank account.
I just can’t remember what the date was when we got those rights.
Give me to the birds so I can fly in pieces.
Dressing like Steve Jobs because I want his career. (Dead since 2011)
You could feed Bob Evan’s to a dog, they hardly put shit in it.
TikTok is like “If you have these symptoms you’re a starseed, take the quiz”
And it’s just adhd and trauma symptoms
“My inner child wants to know if your inner child can come out and fight?”
In a weird and positive turn of events, a cousin that I thought was right wing has started reposting my leftist stuff. The south is healing.
I was talking to my Grandma about boxing and she said
“I wish you were my brother, and we could have boxed together”
Now I can’t think of anything but whooping peoples asses with my Granny back in 1952.
Remember when CPAC’s stage was the exact shape of the othala rune, a symbol which has been appropriated by the far-right because the Nazis used it for their SS Race and Settlement organization?
Because I do.
Me when I used to drink vs me now
i think i ate the placenta wrong im still depressed
Watching people in a zoom meeting misunderstand each others questions but not wanting to butt in.
I’m thinkin Cynthia from rugrats
I’ll cut it
Visiting cities like “I wanna live in that beautiful old building”
The Residents: We can’t flush paper so we have a paper chute, everyone uses the same chute.
“You’ll get bored without kids”
Dude last night my wife and I spent 15 minutes trying to pronounce worms like woims.
Breaking up with jobs is hard, they’re all like 👉🏻👈🏻 “Can you still cover Wednesday”
And I’m like “BB I already had that day off, you never know what’s goin on with me, that’s why we’re doing this.”
