Occam’s Razor Burn

nu.

How dare you belittle NyQuil’s struggle. It’s a serious condition not a moral failing.

Maybe NyQuil is addicted to you

My gay friend told me he thought I looked amazing today and I don’t ever think I’ve felt better about how I look.

Yeah but you’re not gonna wanna eat it once it’s put back together into a solid mass.

It’s definitely not a steak chunks situation.

Potatoes making you happy has made me happy and I don’t even know you. It was a very low base rate, but still. Every tweet matters.

Dude said if.

lol

1 pouch microwave pasta
Powdered Parmesan cheese-not Kraft
Precooked Horned bacon bits from the refrigerated packs
Some cloves of garlic
Olive oil

400F, foil pouch- oil and salt garlic, 20 min. Microwave pasta 90 seconds, move to pan with hot oil. Bacon to taste. Stir in cloves. Cheese. Fuck off.

I cannot explain my fucked up day except in terms of the recipe for the dinner I am making. I need deep comfort and I have so few fucks to give that I literally took a chance on riding out a fire alarm.

Recipe below.

And the first one has worn off by then.

Third breakfast is the best breakfast

You could always eat some cheese. I’m not saying it fixes anything at all. Everything’s still horrible and it’s cold and an alarming number of people are just mean now. But also. Cheese.

30 seconds old and already an underrated tweet

For reference

I just got sent this- is Tyson Fury smizing?

I feel you. I’m sick and Snuffles has been concerned

There are people who think pigeons aren’t real.

I don’t believe in beets. They’re not an actual vegetable and everyone who says they like to eat them is a spy.

I love monkeys- don’t get me wrong, they steal, they bite, they can be terribly unsanitary. I don’t want to actually get near them. But I love the bastards.

The Independent left it up.

To be fair, Tulane could end up being the one misrepresenting the situation.

Yours is fine- it hasn’t been shared thousands of times. And all your followers click through to articles. Because we’re nerds.

Not sure, but maybe if you have a headline news tweet that’s doing numbers, and it turns out the headline was highly misleading, you should delete the misleading tweet and post a standalone correction- rather than relying on people to scroll down to find an update in the replies.

But if the child being awful is the reason he’s not appetizing to the crocodile in the ball pit, that’s totally relevant information.

I’m not saying it’s your fault, but in the current context that photo is somehow obscene.

Godspeed. I am literally praying for you.

A lot to unpack, absolutely none of which is worth unpacking.

Unless I say something that’s objectively true and then all the sudden I’m the bad guy.

Why are his shoulders so tiny.

This is why people think I’m mean isn’t it?

That is not the face of a man who forgot to add flour- that is the face of a man who thinks mayonnaise is hot sauce.

We differ on this topic, but I support you and your journey without judgement.