Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the earth anew, unleashing death and destruction on everything in His path,” said the pontiff, adding that the Vatican had worked for centuries to keep Jesus safely bound and locked away in His crypt, but Church teachings had long foretold He would one day come again to visit His murderous wrath upon the children of God. “The death toll could be in the millions. Once Jesus has broken free, no mortal force can contain Him, and He will not rest until His ravenous blood lust has been sated. As we speak, our most powerful cardinals are in the catacombs blessing the seals with all their might, but we don’t know how long they can hold Him back. The King of Kings has finally been roused from His ancient slumber and is ready to feed.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly yelling for everyone to save themselves after Jesus had burst forth from His tomb and devoured a group of Swiss Guards that was futilely stabbing Him with their pikes.

Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening
theonion.com/pope-fr...

Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling ov...

Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society

Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side

Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side

‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. “Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no […]

‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory theonion.com/show-me...

flashback to how americans acted the last time federal agents started kidnapping their neighbors

Extremely foul showing off the free roam feature by throwing THE PENGUIN OFF THE CLIFF WHILE MARIO 64 MUSIC PLAYS.

Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs

Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs
theonion.com/underfu...

my take is that your willingness to accept this gulf of america nonsense is an indicator of your willingness to accept much worse things coming from this administrator

unfortunately for these folks the odds are that they aren’t going to go after violent criminals at all — too hard — and going to go exclusively over the easiest targets, which are law abiding workers

It is astonishing that mainstream media is covering this like it is a shruggie vibe 🤷‍♂️

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan
theonion.com/fritola...

Hampter

Back to Work

Charles Person, youngest of the Freedom Riders, dies at 82 Bruised and bloodied while traveling through the South in 1961, he challenged segregation on interstate buses and in terminal waiting rooms.

Charles Person, who was the youngest of the Freedom Riders in 1961, has passed away at age 82.

With his passing, Hank Thomas is the last remaining of the original Freedom Riders.

www.washingtonpost.com/obituaries/2...

‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minut...

‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access

Why the Chicken Cross the Road?

Child’s AI-Generated Russian Videos Ruining YouTube Recommendations For Father’s AI-Generated Russian Videos

Child’s AI-Generated Russian Videos Ruining YouTube Recommendations For Father’s AI-Generated Russian Videos
theonion.com/childs-ai-ge...

Judge rules Arkansas law allowing criminal charges against librarians is unconstitutional A federal judge has struck down key parts of an Arkansas law that would have allowed criminal charges against librarians and booksellers for providing so-called “harmful” materials to minors.

ICYMI:

“A federal judge on Monday struck down key parts of an Arkansas law that would have allowed criminal charges against librarians and booksellers for providing ‘harmful’ materials to minors.”

apnews.com/article/arka...

A Freud-like psychiatrist therapizes a man on a fainting couch. He asks "what is the earliest clear memort of your homosexuality?" The man thinks for a second and flashes back to his childhood. A distinctive melody emanates from the television." The child tears up. His eyes grow wide and sentimental and he sats "I love Final Fantasy VII so much."

how can these 3 things just co-exist in the same exact game

Fan art of the little black ball thing from Super Mario 64 that spits fireballs at you.

Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips -The Onion

Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips
theonion.com/clarence-tho...

Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer -The Onion

Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer
theonion.com/delighted-he...

Can you believe it guys?!

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens theonion.com/no-way-to-pr...

Why does my dog have spatial awareness but also looks like this

first panel shows okarun looking sadly at a screenshot of jiji and momo. “aw man. that guy’s way better for miss ayase than me,” he says. the second panel shows jiji goofily looking at a screenshot of momo and okarun, shouting “holy shit! TWO friends!”

those two are living in completely different high school anime genres
#dandadan