V 🫧

Nope now I feel worse I want to fucking kill myself already

Was planning on going out but god even after sleeping 10+ hours I'm still so fucking tired. Not just my normal fatigue (granted it's still really bad today) but actually like. Tired. I could sleep. Ugh. I'm putting it down to menopause. Maybe I'll have an early lunch see if that helps

THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH ENDO IS THERE IS NO END! WE WANT IT TO END BUT IT WON'T. THE "BEGINNING" IS A LIFETIME OF TORTURE UGHDHDHD anyway thank fuck she asked me first for colours so I could be like uh yeah hell fucking no with that bullshit 😭 she knows I hate that stuff, well, thought she did

Dear GOD my mam's made me a shirt for endometriosis awareness and it's great but she nearly added some bullshit that said "what feels like the end is often the beginning" and I just. That's the WORST thing to say for, well, anything but endometriosis especially like hello????

Which.. I get to a degree. It's easier pretending it didn't happen than facing the shitty reality but it's made it impossible to talk about how I actually feel cause it'll be fobbed off as "being dramatic" so eh

Corrie is so weird rn seeing dev fawn over asha after her attempt like my dad went to work like normal just minutes after I'd be taken away by paramedics and then my parents continued to act like nothing happened lol. It's how my entire family has always been, just pretending it didn't happen

Hearing my mam say the words "she has M.E." when talking about me is still so wild. It's been a year since she first started to actually accept it and say it, but the 10 years of being dismissed and 7 years of actually having the diagnosis dismissed still stick with me you know? I can't just forget

& no my anger isn't really directed to her, she's a kid & she will grow up & look back absolutely mortified about how she presented herself and the things she did, the anger is with her parents, mother specifically. It's just a waiting game for her to grow up, she just looks SO old, but she's a kid

Good learning experience I suppose. She can't be turning up to interviews with her underwear on full display, boobs in everyones face and eyelashes so thick you can't even see her eyes. Hopefully she learns quick but.. 16 so. But she has to start paying rent so she gotta get a job somewhere

So my 16 yr old niece who dresses uhm.. older than her age right, she went to an interview at Tesco and I didn't want to say anything but my dad did so I'm absolved, anyway she got rejected, whole Interview was less than 5 mins 💀 they saw her and NOPE! Girl has to learn she can't look like a hooker

Even if it WAS damaging (it never has been) the alternative is death. Like that is literally my only fucking alternative. So yea, if staying inside with the blinds shut helps, guess what I'm going to continue fucking doing SINCE ITS KEPT ME ALIVE FOR NEARLY 12 YEARS.

No matter where it's posted, my own account, in a M.E. group specifically, anywhere, I'll ALWAYS get one motherfucker. The interaction goes like

Me: "this thing helps me significantly and I wouldn't be here without doing this"

Moron: "Uhm!1!!1 akchually that's soooper bad and damaging!1!1"

Stfu

Will I crash? Yea probably. But I don't fucking care anymore I'm ROTTING.

Forcing myself to go out tomorrow because I realised I've gone out twice this whole month, once to dentist and once to drs.. I'm tired of this existence I truly am

In February I'll be taken off and go out of menopause, because of course, it's always fucking February. Anyway, I know my endo will spiral out of control and I'll probably end up trying to kill myself again but what can ya do. It's incurable & progressive so what's the point in staying alive? None x

Like yea I understand they don't want to continue menopause with my age because osteoporosis risk, but realistically I won't see past 35, and if I go on hrt that sends my chances of getting cancer WAYYYY up. Healthcare doesn't give a shit about women, & especially not our quality of life, I'm tired

Realised another thing I can use when my Dr starts forcing hrt, cancer runs rampant in my family on both sides, and I myself am at increased risk so hopefully she understands that more than just the fear of feeding my endo. I'll still be forced off menopause but at least maybe less guilt tripped?

Was it hard? God yea. I've always been bullied, the "side friend", the back up, all of it. I started being desperate for friendship. So I let people treat me like shit because I truly believed it was the only way and I deserved it. I didn't. At all.

My new years resolution was "give exactly what I get" and wow did it change me. I finally started to see just how people really treated me, I could no longer ignore it. I started seeing red flags and shocker, those people hurt me. I see a red flag, you're fucking GONE. I won't be hurt again.

I genuinely have no tolerance for bullshit now, I see a red flag GONE BYE!! Even after my abusive relationship I still wanted to "see the best in people" and well I got fucking raped so yea. Learned the hard way not to ignore red flags. Then even here, I thought I had found friends, nope. Shitty ppl

I fucking HAD a way out. And then the universe intervened, and now it's gone forever. Technically I can use go around a but that's so much work that I don't have the energy for and I just.. I can't. I should be fucking DEAD. WHY AM I STILL ALIVE AFTER EVERYTHING??? HOW AM I?

I've looked into dignitas for years, but I will never have the money for that. Honestly I've I ever got a huge payout it'd go to dignitas. I can't keep going like this, I just can't.

The pain of watching the government bounce around with legalising euthanasia is excruciating. Will they? Won't they? I'm begging to a non existent being that they legalise it because I know I would be approved. I wouldn't have to worry about failing again, I wouldn't have to traumatise my family.

Police Scotland genuinely do not give a single fuck about genuine victims of horrific life changing crimes. They ENCOURAGE them.

Love watching highland cops because 💅🏼 local drama 💅🏼 but FUCK does it make me angry n all.. fucking piss take police. Waste time and money on harassing innocent people, meanwhile give rapists a high five and the green light to continue harassing their victims. They're a joke.

I wish they just fucking left me. Why didn't they leave me and let me die.

I love being told I'm "living the life" because I'm at home when I'm quite literally STUCK and losing my mind from constant pain and have to stop myself from killing myself on a daily basis because I'm a worthless drain on society and a burden to my family and the NHS as a whole

So this week I ate at my calorie maintenance to get my body back in sync and damn I can not eat this much 😭 back to my deficit tomorrow but god I've been so nauseous this week, still forced myself to eat though.. regret

I've been so severely dissociated recently and idk why, like when I'm falling asleep it feels like I'm dying again, even when I'm fully conscious, eyes open and upright I feel like I'm dying because I'm just NOT there ?

Actually need to be in a straight jacket until it heals because I CANT FUCKING STOP it's so stupid but my brains like "hurrr durrr won't heal if you don't get it all off and smooth and you're not clean unless it's SMOOTH GET IT OFF NOW" like bitch calm down