Royston

Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement

The print version of @theonion.com is worth every dime.

Today in Bad Apple news:

We need a rule where there’s at least one hour an evening no fucker is letting off fireworks so the dogs can go out for a piss.
Is that so much to ask?

Ricky Gervais talking shit about London with a “don’t forget your stab vest” joke - on an advert.

Oh fuck off, you plum.

God is a DJ i.e. should be kept well away from anyone under 16. #totp

Fucking Hell.
Imagine how brilliant someone’s life is that they can’t be arsed to go to Paris with Kylie?
I’d go to Dagenham with Sonia.

Lots of dead kids that way.
Kids who don’t deserve it.
I’m unable to lol, y’know?

Nothing to do with Venezuela. This is just preemptive retaliation for Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl performance in February.

Trump claiming a Nobel prize for quantum computing is precious. Here’s one:
let him put his name on it if he can even show he can clear his own cookies - when he can’t, make that browsing history public.

The comments are full of mentalists saying good riddance etc. or blaming Labour. The game’s gone.

Looked at watch while holding a cup of tea on a number of occasions. Moved the steering wheel to see the display better while driving. Only did that ONCE.

AND IT NOT BEING A DEALBREAKER FOR THE BASTARDS WHO VOTE FOR THEM!!!
*Ever*
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

How I discovered I’m a ghost.

Reform will deny that they are the party of white supremacy, but offer them white dogshit and they’ll have your arm off.

Of a vicar with a ‘tato
He's not strange
He just wants to live his life this way

or Gaviscon?

Evelyn But The Girl.

Bloody Hell: top marks.

[Scene is the entrance cabin to a NATIONAL TRUST PROPERTY AND GARDENS] 1 NATIONAL TRUST EMPLOYEE [inside cabin]: Hello there 2 [A young family - two parents two kids - have arrived at the front desk]. DAD: Hi - do you have an activity trail, for the kids? 3 NT EMPLOYEE: Of course – you’re just in time for the Autumn Gammon Trail! 4 MUM: That sounds fun, doesn’t it kids? 5 NT EMPLOYEE [handing an activity sheet and pencils to the kids]: Every autumn, the Reform Trust gammons flock back to the National Trust for the AGM. Just follow the trail round the grounds, and see how many you can spot! 6 NT EMPLOYEE [hearing something in the gardens]: Listen - that's their call [Calls emanating from the landscape]: tut-tut woke-woke 7 NT EMPLOYEE [showing the family an apparently empty fenced enclosure with some bushes in]: They are extremely sensitive and fragile... But you can bring them out of hiding if you put a little sign down mentioning slavery. 8 KIDS [pointing]: There they are! [Some little red faced PEOPLE wearing Barbour jackets and gilets emerge cautiously from the bushes. They are creeping towards a TINY SIGN in the middle of the enclosure]. [Little people noises]: woke-woke tut-tut woke-woke 9 [Close-up of the TINY SIGN - we can read that it says]: Slavery had a bit to do with building this massive house. [Noises from the little people again as they inspect the tiny sign]: tut-tut woke-woke 10 MUM [pointing]: What's that one doing there? NT EMPLOYEE: Oh, that's so sweet… 11 [We see that one of the people is sat on a rock, with a little laptop open on a tree stump, and they are furiously typing away]. NT EMPLOYEE: I think he's writing a column for the Daily Telegraph… 12 [We see close up to the little person’s screen, it is a word document reading]: Are National Trust scones secretly WOKE? [ends]

If you're a National Trust member, it's that time of year again: Midnight tonight is the deadline. It's a shame people have to keep doing this to keep a toehold on historical truth in this country, but here we are. Voting link: www.nationaltrust.org.uk/who-we-are/a...

(I get this is written in the gammony voice for comedic effect, but saying “trannies” is a bit 20th C. Don’t let the gammonitis spread. All the love for all the people, my dude.)

Davina McCall hosting a big brother eviction

Andrew, you have been evicted. It's time to leave your big brother's house

She has a point.

A rare white Iberian Lynx photograph

The Iberian Lynx that’s been caught on camera, though stunning, is another one of those animals that unfortunately looks like someone cosplaying

All the ghosts who voted for Brexit are cunts.

I’ll tell you who is:
Kendo Nagasaki. 84!

YouTube video by Niki Aitken The Aftermath Of The Wedding- Part 1

Charles & Di was a ratings winner, so it was like a sequel.
Everyone was well up for it, but no one much gave a shit about the couple. Big “chair he was sitting on when the music stopped” vibes.
It always makes me think of Michelle & Lofty’s wedding in Eastenders - same day.
youtu.be/P_jQ1yKlqvk?...

Not sure if it was that interview, but from an anecdote he told about the pair of them going to a restaurant, I can’t help but think of Nigel Havers as being a righteous dude whenever he’s on telly.