Charlie Vergos

What changed? They figure out how to move a picture around a little bit? Papyrus 2?

Microsoft Word trying to charge me $10/month like pen and paper don’t exist go fuck yourself

I’ve been blocking anybody who posts a picture of a lobster roll they’ve eaten lately. It’s not a photogenic food!

The shooting in NY last week confirmed my opinion that football’s great as a video game, but not as a real sport. Like, I would play the shit out of a game that follows a RB through his career and then turns into CTE San Andreas

Too many head injuries and commercial breaks for the real world tho

Tennesseans: Don't California My Tennessee!!!

Also Tennesseans:

Museum of Disgusting Food in Malmo, Sweden. Their brochures are barf bags and it has a “this many days since someone vomited here” counter at the entrance. Also, it’s told with a tone of acceptance and cultural relativism and not just gawking at exotic shit

Would love to help, but I’m busy trying to figure out the whole deal of the lady I saw yesterday driving a green Toyota Rav 4 with a license plate border saying “Who is John Galt?” on my street in Memphis yesterday.

No bumper stickers at all.

I’m guessing yall are counting the two dribbles SGA takes at the free throw line?

Every comedy producer should have a second, different colored light to tell the comedian on stage that the audience member they’re trying to do crowd work with is a known problem and, for the sake of everyone, to please disengage as quickly as possible

Damn yall, this inflation’s so bad, the flies wouldn’t get off my porch until my bags of water had nickels in em!

Nickels I tell ya!

My great hope for the climate is that tech dumbasses build all this clean energy to power crypto mining and AI data centers, and then the crypto and AI bubbles burst and then whoops, guess we got all these extra lil nuclear & solar shits now

I’m gonna be real with yall: I wouldn’t have grown this red okra if I’d known they’d look this much like dog penises

I’m gonna be real with yall: I wouldn’t have grown this red okra if I’d know they’d look this much like dog penises

It was supposed to be the first day of middle school football practice. I knew it’d be cancelled, but showed up anyways so that the coaches knew how dedicated I was to FOOTBALL!!!

(It would be the last season I ever played)

I doubt the Tour de France guys are sequestered or anything, but my gut tells me they don’t follow the news, and man, once they’re done with thag whole thing, I’m excited for them to catch up on all this Epstein back and forth

I swear, if these NPR cuts mean I gotta wake up to re-runs of fuckin Garrison Keillor and the Car Talk guys, I’m about to be everybody’s problem

Excuse me, SHAMPOO for BALD men? Um…I THINK they’re taking this transgender thing a LITTLE too far, right?

Like, what’s next? Deodorant for BALD men? Toothpaste for BALD men? Food for BALD men? lol in your dreams

What This Account Might Be/ Starting One of the biggest lessons you learn doing stand-up is to just start. Figure out the rest in the process.

The other night I yelled about zoning reform to three drunks at an open mic. So I started a substack to dump my non-comedy thoughts to make sure that never happens again. Follow or don’t, just doing this so I can use stage time to be funny.

charlievergos.substack.com/p/what-this-...

Feel like it’s gonna be a little hard for conservatives to keep slandering cities as hell holes now that they’re the only places with hospitals?

I’m spending the 4th in a small town in Arkansas, and the solemnity with which this grocery store cashier is telling everyone “Happy 4th, be careful” suggests that he’s seen dumbass fireworks shit the likes of which us city dwellers can’t even fathom

Man, it’d be so fuckin tight if the world’s problems were as simple as the Trump folks assume they are

Hey Memphis! It’s healthier for you to come have a drink and laugh with other people than doomscroll. Sam’s hilarious and this is tonight:

901tix.com/e/comedian-s...

Coming to terms with how much of my desire to travel is driven by a need to be surrounded by a greater variety of food packaging

Look, I'm out the country and have been doing my best to unplug from the world/my phone, and have been doing great despite everything that's happened in the last week.

Then the Bane trade dropped. Yes, that's great value, but man, I don't know if I'll recognize the home I come back to.

I love Desmond Bane and would've loved if we just ran it back next year with minor roster tweaks and I'm absolutely not mad at all with this trade.

It can feel silly doing stand-up right now, but a room full of strangers having a pleasant time laughing together at dumb shit does a lot to undercut this narrative that’s being pushed to the lonely that cities are hellholes, and migrants, queer people, and intellectuals are plotting against them

A lot of people think all of LA is under siege because they live in towns that only have one street.

Idk, if I was gonna spread blatant lies about the reality on the ground in a city, I would choose a city whose entire economy isn’t built around communicating stories and ideas with elite production values to a global audience

Haven’t seen it yet, but let me say that Now You See Me 2 is the greatest movie of all time to catch a quarter of the way in after checking into a La Quinta

I think you can tell which events traumatized a generation the most by the frequency they’re used as punchlines years later, and as far as I can tell the rankings go:

1.) jfk assassination
2.) 9/11
3.) the rumor that Marilyn Manson removed a rib to s their d
…
12.) Richard gere gerbil