Joni

Compounded into it is the thought of course that the inability to find a job, proves what so many always told you. That you were only ever good for one thing and not even that much anymore with your body falling apart.

So of course it’s one of those weeks

2025 Fucked up trauma brain thought 172

Knowing how much people have paid for you (down to minutes), a break down of each part of you & the price to damage.

But question & doubt that normal people & those you like find you attractive or want your time, because you are damaged, used, or worse.

Having the dread and uncertainty sitting in me like a weight pulling me down, is nearly as bad as it was the first time. Now though it’s set against the knowledge of what might come. Which is its own special horror. Gods I hate being back here for a third time in less than 10 years.

Well this feels like history Deja Vu & my brain is totally stressing over it & the fact that I don’t even have a job to help mitigate the possible coming tidal wave of expenses. At least I know now how to answer a lot of questions from doctors when they prod me.

Why is it that I can have unexpected traumatic stuff happen to me and let my brain just slide through it because I have dealt with shit so much, but when I have uncertainty or time to prepare for it my brain goes into overdrive & nerves make me sick as a dog?

There is still lots of joy when I realize my boobs are growing more. Let’s see how big I can get before surgery shall we?(helps offset finally deciding to cut my hair along with the bleach, this weekend for my mental health)

It Feels Like Christmas (Spotify Singles Holiday)

FOB covering one of my favorite songs from one of the best Muppets movies of all time is pure joy today! 🥰💖

I can say a lot about my body causing additional problems for my lack of sleep, but at least I got to wake up to an amusing note with two sides of me fighting over wanting a collar tattoo. (There is something to unpack there, but it was cute & I will take the win with how I am feeling this morning)

Showing my wife “Bound” for the first time and I so want a set of lock-pick earrings again.

Been on a bit of a reread kick. Its on odd itch I find that i am scratching after following up simultaneously Tender is the Flesh & Tell Me I Am Worthless, then some Wayward Children & Finishing School, now Kushiel’s Dart & Night Circus with a side of Carmilla the First Vampire.

I should not be looking at the Halloween build a bears when I am still looking for a job. But I could not resist and I am in love with a lot of them.

4 years, 3 months, 5 days

Needed to look cute today even if only a little bit. Especially with being good and not having a smoke even when I really crave it. I am going to totally have to have a massive smoke out when I get this surgery over.

Watching The Wrong Paris & I cannot help but want to play a larp with this scenario.

For a girl who had never had a Baja Blast until last year, I have become hooked.

My wife & I may have just decided to do a podcast of reading Homestuck, since I have made it 4 decades without reading or interacting much with it.

2 interviews tomorrow. I could really use some luck on both.

I love my kitties, but I really wish them getting better along did not result in my feet getting mauled because they think they are toys. People who teach cats to play with feet, I am sorry you are wrong and I wish you had not started this teaching cycle. 😅

My kitty may be a bigger She-Ra fan than I am. He especially loves watching when Catra is on tv.

One month ago I saw Kyo for the first time, a week later he came home. And now he and Bedelia are finally getting better along with they actually slept touching each other today and been super close without fighting while I fought a migraine. I love him so much.

I think our cats are about to release a album soon. They are totally practicing their cover shots.

With everything going on in the world I need an outlet, so I thinking I will do some photoshoots sometime soon. I have missed it more than I care to admit.

My brat immediately woke up at this. 👀👀👀😈

If anyone needs me for a while, please use text. Had to push and stretch my pitch and range today & having a mix of bad physical and trauma pain from old damage to my throat.

Too cute not to share

Watching K-pop Demon Hunter after lazily continuing my digimon rewatch feels like the right call. Loving it & definitely recommend. But this from a girl thinking she really wants to cosplay Kari, Angewomon, & Lady Devimon & checking prices on figures she had to sell, so take it for what you will.

For my birthday my wife got me the best birthday gift ever. Meet Kyo (named after Fruits Basket of course), a truly lovable boy. I adore him so much.

That this disease in me is going to kill me & leave me a husk before I have the chance to ever be truly happy with a single picture of me. That those changes that were made to me as a teen will forever be written on me. The ones both by biology & by people who despised me will forever mare me.

Today I should be sad protest are not something I can do. But I wake crying over dreams telling me I will never be me. That I am so close to starting surgeries , but lack of job & healthcare now that dream is ripped away & I am never going to get to & will always be haunted by the mirror.

In a few days I will be getting a cute kitten. I am showing my nerdy self naming him after Kyo from fruits basket. I adore & love him. He walked up to me when I visited him & said you will love & give me lots of pets.

(Yes I have a few more pets I want with anime names, Shampoo & Ein at the top)

Taking some time away. Likely not around much until things in my life become a bit less chaotic. I have narrowed down my next therapist choices to two I hope to try when I can, just right now things are rather rough for a variety of reasons & I think I just need to step away some.