Michael sisto

I asked my dog how the economy is doing…he said rough.

When the butcher backed up into the meat grinder, he got a little behind in his work.

If you tried to walk a mile in my shoes, you wouldn’t get too far bc I havnt worn shoes since 2012

I thought I was a good swimmer, but then I swam in the ocean and got schooled by some fish.

The government is now officially shut down. I guess Trump really is running the country like one of his businesses.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester

I played really hard in my basketball game the other day…until the 2nd half when I went back to flaccid

Living in Switzerland has a lot of advantages. For example, the flag is a big plus.

I used to have a passion for selling computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

i beat my wife Stream i beat my wife by Endangered feces on desktop and mobile. Play over 320 million tracks for free on SoundCloud.

Just made a new song. Let me know if you think it’s appropriate enough to release to the masses.

m.soundcloud.com/user-9278069...

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

I was going to invest in vinal albums, but I scratched that.

What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody knows

I asked my brother to pass me the travel pamphlet, and he said “bro sure.”

How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible

Is nathan short for jonathan or whats the deal there?

I realize now that if im gonna rail a pill straight to my dome, its much easier if i crush it first

Q: How many dementia patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side

When nate and mary make love do they call it marinating?

Toasters should legally change their name to tanning breads

I don't need a girlfriend, ive got one attached to my arm. It always knows what i want and never says no. It will even fix me a snack and feed it right to my face

I can tie my shoelaces without my hands. How you ask? I say, excuse me, sorry to bother you, but can you tie my shoelaces for me please?

Abhorrent

I used to be a huge justin bieber fan, but then i lost a bunch of weight and now im a normal-sized fan

If two women named diana got married, would they celebrate their diannaverssary each year?

I dont need a spine, all it does is hold me back

My toilet clogs every time I take a dump so I've decided to stop taking them

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