The Beast of Doncaster - Updates

It has since been brought to my attention that the photo in my last post is not the Beast of Doncaster but an American actor called Harry Henderson, whom I’ve never heard of. Look, I’m big enough to admit when I’ve been pranked. Thanks a lot, Juan Kerr, I hope you’re proud. Juan Idiot, more like.

Huge news tonight. If verified, it changes everything. I’ve been emailed by a Spanish gentleman named Juan Kerr - he was on holiday in Doncaster with his family when the Beast approached their campsite and this extraordinary photo was taken.

I can’t stop shaking. My life’s work totally vindicated.

BEAST FACTS

The Beast is known to toy with its prey, sometimes waiting days to devour them. In rare instances people have managed to escape, like Archibald Gilbert in 1862, described as a chimney-sweep and fantasist (I believe this is an old Victorian term for someone who enjoys fantasy novels).

Great response from the people of Finningley to my pop-up Beast Awareness stall by the duck pond (except for the mad woman who kept calling me ‘Nobby’ and said I was a knicker-stealer - not true).

I usually give out Hobnobs with every pamphlet but sadly the ducks attacked me on arrival, apologies.

WANTED: research assistant.

Successful applicants are expected to:

• Organise/maintain my Beast archive
• Accompany me on overnight stakeouts to Beast hotspots
• Fight the Beast, if necessary

Please email alistairmulgrewatgmail.com (can’t find that AT symbol on keyboard but you know what I mean)

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The Beast was in my garden tonight. Looked through my kitchen window - eyeing up the risotto I was making. Followed instructions on your website (curled up in a ball, waited 1 hour) and he was gone. Risotto ruined however.

Anyone of sound mind would discount that last post - Kennedy Parks (real name Craig Waddilove) is a pox on the Beast community, a gobby youth shouting down a camera lens with ridiculous theories (the Beast is female? Four witnesses have attested to the size of its dingle!) and he should be IGNORED.

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Still at it are you pal? Your society has one member - you. My YouTube channel, BeastDonnyWatch, has 800 subscribers and my last stakeout video has a cool 2k viewers. You need to jack it in mate - you’re an embarrassment! KP

To the dribbling morons who daubed ‘Beast Nonce’ on the side of my garage overnight, be assured you are neither big nor clever and have only created a lot of work for Lilja, my cleaner.

I have now instructed my lawyers to act. Please come forward and identify yourselves so they can contact you.

BEAST HISTORY

While November 22nd 1963 is infamous for being the day JFK was assassinated by a grassy knoll, it is also the day four children vanished from a caravan park in Sprotbrough. They were never found, until three days later when they were found, claiming ‘a monster’ had snatched them.

What a shambles. Shame on you, Radio Auckley 109.6 and your witless afternoon host (he is also distractingly boss-eyed). I was given all of 30 seconds’ air-time before being bumped for breaking news on some ten-a-penny multi-vehicle pile-up. They can silence me, but the Beast is still out there.

I will be appearing on Radio Auckley 109.6 at 2pm to discuss the Beast and why the efforts of Society members like me is so important in protecting our citizens. I’ve asked whether I can name names of council officials who have hindered my work - they say ‘absolutely not.’ Whose side are they on?

BEAST FACTS

When it is not preying on the residents of Doncaster, the Beast’s diet is said to consist of rats, fish, foxes, even sometimes horses and cows. A spate of sightings in November 2005 behind McDonald’s near the big Asda also suggest it has a taste for McNuggets and/or cardboard packaging.

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Hi put rubbish in wheelie bin this morning saw large hairy thing in bushes thought was a dog at first but too big got closer and it snarled so bricked it and ran back inside can’t risk mauling as got work later cheers Don

BEAST FACTS

The characteristics of the Beast, corroborated by multiple witnesses:

• Only emerges from its lair/nest at night (nocturnal)

• Has a particular fondness for the taste of young flesh (children)

• Stands between three feet (Star Wars bear) and twelve feet tall (that man from Pointless)

STAKEOUT REPORT

190925, 0030-0600 Charnock Farm

Permission secured (left note on Farmer Alec’s windshield).

LOG:

0147: trampled undergrowth
0204: odd animal cry
0242: sloshing liquid - Beast urination?
0243: tea flask cap leaking
0305-0630: nodded off. Moved on by Farmer Alec (didn’t like note)

BEAST HISTORY

The first reliable sighting came in 1503, when the body of a peasant was found in dense woodland in what is now Barnby Dun. He had been beaten and robbed. A local, known as Marauding Joe for reasons unknown, claimed a ‘furred monstrosity’ descended from the hills to kill the poor man.

Please ignore the last update - these website submissions are automatically posted here. My nephew’s housemate’s brother-in-law set this up for me. I don’t know how to delete posts on this site (tried switching my phone on and off) so please just scroll past. This man has a personal vendetta.

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Hi - hope this is the right person (number plate B3A555T) - please can you stop parking your Land Rover across my gate? I’m on Skittle Hill, up near Charnock Farm. And my daughter does not need to see that bumper sticker.

BEAST FACTS

Although witnesses have described the Beast in various ways (tall and thin, short and chubby, bigger than a house, smaller than a cat, snake-like, even a gaseous cloud) one thing is beyond doubt: it has been responsible for over 17 disappearances in the Doncaster area this year alone.

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SUBMISSION REF 955s4HE/SIGHTING

Hi - saw something on ridge over Marrowtop Common. Was walking my dog (Rolo) and he wandered off path. Followed him as was worried (has had shits this week) and saw tall furry figure. Looked me in eye then ran. Huge hands.