Chelly 🪿

Whenever I take my ADHD meds
Me to me: “Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?”

When I say “take me out” I mean in the permanent sense.

I’m in love with you

I made it 3 miles before I threw up

I got winded putting on my sports bra so this bike ride is off to a great start.

If I ever get kidnapped or go missing the forensic team won’t even have to try. My habits got me coughing so hard I’m leaving DNA evidence like a damn breadcrumb trail. You’re welcome CSI.

I want a dog poop Roomba for outside

Thank you for prescribing me this drug I’ve totally never tried in my teens or twenties recreationally. 👀
I sure hope it works. 🤷‍♀️

Mansplaining something to me while being completely wrong about it is such an interesting choice.

Sick of scheduling doctor’s appointments. I just want to make tattoo and piercing appointments.

Boomers out here worried about “the government tracking them” while I can read their entire Facebook argument in 48 point font from three rows back in the doctor’s waiting room.

When did I become so old that even on nights I’m not tired, don’t have plans, and someone asks me to hang out on a random Tuesday… my first thought is on a school night?!

**FOR THOSE THAT DONT KNOW. THIS IS A JOKE**
I love my kid very much. Even when he’s an asshole.

“Drive like your kid lives here”
Me: 🖕

Thinking of putting a sign at the end of my driveway that says “Fresh Local Meat, Eggs & Milk” and then it’s just me sitting in a lawn chair like 🤠

Hate to break it to you but if your video doesn’t have captions I didn’t watch it. I haven’t had sound on my phone in over a decade.

Shittles. Taste the butthole.

The toaster strudel cum turns clear as it warms up

Thanks for the compliment on my lipgloss. It’s popcorn butter.

Last time I wore these I almost shit my pants. Today I bled through them. At this point I’m just custom tie dyeing them. Limited edition. One of a kind. Body horror chic.

stogna bologna

I worship the shit god now. No other deity has had such a chokehold on my plans or my peace. If anyone’s gonna fuck up my life with that level of commitment it’s him.

If I catch you stealing from me or from any of my mutuals I will block you so fast your head will spin. No explanation, no warning. If you can’t come up with your own shit to say or post that’s on you. Don’t be weird. Don’t be lazy. Don’t be a thief.

I don’t need to adopt another pug. I don’t need to adopt another pug. Even really cute ones that are up for adoption at the same rescue we got Wally and Missy. I don’t need to adopt another pug.

Who needs a weighted blanket when you have pugs?

I’m not lazy I’m energy efficient

Brain: “do it now so you don’t forget”
Me: forgets while nodding 🙂‍↕️

I finally have a bathing suit bottom for this top and I decided to get it wet 💦

sing us a song you're the piano ham
sing us a song tonight
well we're all in the mood for some honey glaze
and we're high as a gigantic kite

a group of men are dancing in front of a sign that says bibi ALT: a group of men are dancing in front of a sign that says bibi

Ooo I just found out I no longer exist