Jeff Ayers, author

Available? As in, able to be availed? Ha, nice try. No.

Gotta exercise so the body doesn’t enter

𝔼𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕪 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕄𝕠𝕕𝕖

I would simply not lose a thumb war

Heartbreaking: I just told someone “good afternoon” at 11:50 AM.

[sees the enchanted rose in full bloom]

Nothing to worry about, I’ve got plenty of time

[five petals fall off at once]

wtf

A city in Vietnam named for Japanese confectioners

Call it Mochi Men City

Turn down? For what?

A group of cardinals should be called a deckinal.

What they write: “I was playing RDR2”

What I read: R2-D2

Brutal

Wearing the pair of shoes that you’re going shopping to replace feels really mean

“Y’all are complete freaks.”

—oysters after learning we wear pearls for jewelry

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The haters have reminded me to take a break from posting absolute gold every day to remind you of my books.

www.amazon.com/dp/B08H8SBL2K

Yeah I play RPGs

Role
Playing
Give me a million dollars

The Globule is asking for more pennies. I JUST gave him pennies.

The worst part is that it won’t tell me what’s it’s doing with them.

If you’re not saying “I’m walking here!” in the most offensively bad New York accent you can do every day, you’ll never be a millionaire before your thirties

Ask not what your Scooby can Doo for you — ask what you can Doo for your Scooby.

Sorry can’t eat right now I have to play supermarket simulator 2024

Aquarium? More like Beware of em

Had my back-to-school nightmare already

In a fit of unrestrained hedonism, I used two paper napkins to wipe my face instead of one

I regret to inform hot dogs that I woke up again today

If a shrimp didn’t fry this rice, I will send it back

“Your Highness, you drive our forces too hard. Our omelette forces are lagging behind.”

“How disappointing, General. You told me these were

Don’t you DARE talk to me without a precious gemstone in hand. Ruby, diamond, sapphire, whatever, I’m not picky, but you gotta be holding one of em.

My retirement portfolio is in shambles because Chunguscoin dipped three thousandths of a cent in price before I could sell it

I’m ruined

You’re right, I wouldn’t believe there are *ten million* fireflies

That’s so many bugs at once, are you insane?

Charge forward into the breach, and let the enemy tremble at the roar of your cry:

“Where’s the potty? I need to go”

Found a glowing rock. Tasted like pennies. Can’t touch the floor anymore

Rap was invented by The Barenaked Ladies in 1998 with that song about the anime babes