Jeff Ayers, author

Me, thinking about how easy it was to breathe through my nose two days ago:

That simple fool. I had no idea how good I had it. Perfect respiration, wasted.

There is a staggering variety of cheeses for sale in every grocery store

You think I don’t know what a persimmon is

Of course I know what a persimmon is

You fool

Alarm Clock would be a terrible ice cream flavor

Do you think camels know how weird they look

I wonder if that duck ever found any gwapes

I have never once had more than one mambo, I can’t even imagine FIVE of them

punctuation and capital letters were made up by ink manufacturers in order to sell more ink andspacesbetweenwordswereinventedbypapercompaniesforsimilarreasons

Struggling to eat this entire pizza

But I will prevail

Bad: three spidermans
Better: three spidermen
Galaxy brain: three spidersman

Optometrists are like

Yeah, we’ll grant you the gift of sight

But you gotta pay

When I kick the bucket, I give the executor of my will permission to strap my remains to an automatic pogo stick and let it go nuts

Grand Ol’ Osprey

Let me put all allegations to rest on the matter:

Yes, I did once eat hallway pizza because I spent all my Con money on a pleather cloak. No, I do not regret it. Yes, I still have the pleather cloak twenty years later.

“Hamster Castle” sounds great until you realize one of them will be dressed up as a little wizard guy and then it sounds AWESOME can you imagine that

Yes, Virginia, Grape Ape is a Kaiju

What if a gravedigger digs lots of things and is just very serious all the time

Didn’t think of that did you

“It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday”

Never told AM or PM. This song happens in the morning. They’re all day-drinking for breakfast.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve fathered my Christmas

Can’t talk right now. I’m trying to figure out Pringles

Bought a goose for home defense and now I can’t leave my house because there’s a big angry goose out there

Word: debuted

My brain: day byuted

[sees spilled milk]

Keep it together, you’re in public

Some of the old presidential campaign slogans were wild. “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!”

Man what are you even saying. Tippecanoe? And who is Tyler?!

You’re telling me

A chocolate lab covered these cherries

It will snow. It is snowing. It snows. It snew. It has snode.

I get WAY more mad about an unskippable 5 second ad than I do about a longer ad that I have to skip after five seconds pass

Christmas cookies wrapped in a red ribbon next to tinsel, red berries, a red candle, candy canes, and ornaments on a wood table.

When is the right time to put out Christmas decorations? Too early, and you warn the spirits of the upcoming holiday, which may lead to them giving you an abundance of bad luck in your holiday prep. Folklore says Christmas Eve is the best day, but in this economy? #FolkloreSunday

I’m just a man standing in a public restroom

Begging this automatic faucet to notice my hands waving around to get this disgusting soap off of me so I can leave