Dan Thomas

Taking a week to breathe, reflect, and enjoy the start of this new chapter—retirement. No posts, no podcast, just peace. Be back soon, recharged and ready.

#RetirementMode #WheresTheFunInThat

Day 165. My wife and I took a thousand Mile road Trip to visit our family. My uncle asked us if we took turns driving on the way out

I replied, " yeah, it's hard to get here in a straight line. "

Day 151 My wife asked me the other night why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

I said because they all have phones

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Day 147. My wife asked me if I could clear the table last night

Had to get a running start but I made it

Day 144. I've got the memory of an elephant

I Remember when I went to the zoo one time and saw an elephant

Day 143. Sorry we don't serve Time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

Day 141. Don't use double negatives.

It's a big no no

Day 140. Yesterday I tried to explain the definition of what a palindrome is to my students

But they got it all backwards

Day 139. A truck loaded with thousands of copies of the thesaurus tipped over on the freeway this morning

Witnesses were stunned , startled, stupefied, shocked, dazed, bewildered, dumbfounded, and astonished

Day 138 what's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke?

The direction the first letter is facing

Day 136. A man walks into the library and asks for a book on the laws of probability

The librarian says," it might be on the shelf over there."

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Day 134. Did you hear the joke about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Yeah, neither did he

Day 133. I always try to carry my ukulele with me

So that when people ask me if I play an instrument I can say "yes, I play a little guitar."

Day 132. Nurse comes in and says," doctor. There's a patient that says he's invisible."

The doctor replies," well tell him I can't see him right now."

Day 131. A concerning fact about geese is that they don't even have an elementary level of education

Maybe that's why they're so silly

Day 130. I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day

It's nothing special, but it fits the bill

Day 129. A friend asked, "What are your dogs' names?"

I replied," Calvin and Klein."

He said, "Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

I said," Yup. they're boxers."

Day 128. My twin brother called me from prison the other day and he said, "you know how he always finish each other sentences...."

Day 126. Saw a late night infomercial last night for a brand new knife

The spokesman said it was made with cutting edge technology

Day 125. One of the best parts of being a parent is teaching your kids life lessons. The other day I taught my daughter what bargain meant.

She said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Day 120. According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles.......

Never get over it

Day 119 I was watching a live stream of the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the guy on the triangle disappeared...

Day 118. I saw my wife yelling at the TV," don't go in there. Don't go in the church. You moron."

She was watching our wedding video again

Day 117 I was working on my car the other day and noticed there was two bumps on my battery. I had them checked and one of them came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal

#notfeelingittoday

Day 115. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Dam

Day 114. What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7 or 11 oz portions?

Prime rib

Day 113. Saw an ad for a coffin in the newspaper the other day

And I thought to myself," that's the last thing I need."

Day 112. In honor of St Patrick's day.

What do you call an Irish guy sitting out in the yard

Paddy O'Furniture.