see you, space hammy

short version: most of the things people loooove to suggest/advise either didn’t work for me personally or doesn’t work in general

tune in next time where i will list all of the things people have told me when i’ve tried to share this story before. and all the things society kinda expects me to do? i’ll also give answers to every single thing i’ve been told.

and when i say “lost a friend” i mean i HAD to stop being their friend. because they kept hurting me.

so. i feel angry and sad because i am traumatized by how i lost a best friend. we’ve been best friends for 12 years at least at the time. maybe more, i’ve lost count at some point. that’s a very short version of what i want to talk about

yeah, sometimes i’ll be trailing off my original point but it’s okay, i’ll get back to it eventually.

(everything is easy for them! they just don’t! spiral! just like that! hehe! back then i’ve felt so ashamed of myself, that i am so ill and awful, having trouble getting my bpd under control, but now i know it was all a bunch of baloney)

(reminds me how i’ve told another person with bpd, that i am having a really hard time not spiraling and lashing out at loved ones because of bpd even though i’ve been going to dbt group therapy, dbt personal therapy and took meds consistently. and they said smth like “oh i have no such problems”)

and i’ve tried thinking like that. surprise! it doesn’t work. i feel especially angry about the second argument. or when i hear how people tell me how they did recover from similar things easily or that it’s not bothering them

or the listener/world/people/whoever will say smth like “yeah mb you were traumatized. but shouldn’t you have recovered long ago? it’s not that big of a deal”

because right now i feel the the world in general wouldn’t believe. it’s even hard for me to say that i am still trying to recover from trauma since i feel it’ll be either dismissed completely with smth like “well it’s not really trauma, it’s just friendship that ended”

i don’t want to explain anything. i don’t want to give any details, tell my sob story/any kind of story. i just want the one who decides to listen to believe it. believe that the agony i feel is justified and real.

also i want to, i don’t know destroy stuff? like property or inanimate objects. because i feel so angry

the “i feel u bro” won’t do it for me. because actually i just want to FUCKING SCREAM incoherently for several hours? days? weeks? months? dunno how much i need to make myself feel a bit of relief

because it has stopped (and mb have never even started) being about “oh i just want to vent, i just need someone to say smth supportive to me and say they understand” a looong time ago

the problem with talking about my feelings and emotions comes from being afraid of hurting the listener. ofc one could say “oh it’s ok u are probably exaggerating” but the problem is that I AM NOT

but still i gotta start somewhere. i want to try talking about it because somewhere somehow i once again have fallen in my oldest pattern: keeping everything inside and not talking about it ever (or very rarely talking about it to my bf)

there is a really really really reaaaaally so many things i want to talk about but i am so tired most of the time

nine inch nails & depeche mode playlist for heinrix plays so obviously it feels silly why is he like that

when i saw the first part of this post i was like “ye s yes they should meet!! that’d be very interesting!!!” and the i read the end of it and was like oh wOW… that’d also be interesting….

wear it!!! it’s good for your health

me & bf are laughing cuz he was like finally its weekend im gonna play story of seasons until my eyes turn red and im like then ill be there with u and wh40k and we r like omg r we the pink/black couple. also he’s like that’s zayne and mc from deepspace and i agree

does that mean you can have different endings?

haha sadly if you have no space in your flat that often happens… i mean, we have a lot of stuff on the floor still, book too sometimes…

that would be very interesting!!

to me it looked wonderful and cute! (i am biased ofc but still!)

please do!

nooooo don’t let it dieeee it’s my favorite thinhg

extremely important info: pokemon types of my cats are fairy/dragon and fighting/dark

i wonder if playthrough will help since this game feels so miserable. or rather the world in it and enemies…. after what u’ve told me i am scared of it a bit lol

he would definitely say that all labubus and laufufus are created equally