Hexy

But yeah, I feel like sharing this stuff could help us advocate for ourselves better if we need to see our GPs.

I found out recently one of my cousins also gets no effect from morphine/opioids. Finding that out while in hospital, in horrific pain with pancreatitis was not ideal. Not ideal at all!!

I'm definitely feeling like my entire personality right now is just a list of symptoms for all this shit.

Thanks perimenopause! You really did just pull the thread, it's all unravelling now!

Mum also had problems with iron for years. She'd get anaemic, be prescribed an iron supplement, then become insanely itchy. Apparently that's MCAS! Now it turns out almost everything else is being explained by connective tissue disorders. Stabbing rib pain randomly? Yep! "hair pain"? Yep!

My Mum always put everything down to me "being weird", but it's gone from "oh, those ADHD memes seem to be targeting me", to "I'll just do the RAADS-R test for 'fun', ohhhh that score is hiiiigh!", to "huh, maybe MCAS explains why I have all these weird 'allergies' to things like tap water?"...

Soon, a bunch of my cousins are getting together, we're going to swap photos and stories of growing up on/around the farm.

But I've also asked if we can talk about all the weird stuff we have wrong with us 😅 I'm sure there's a lot of genetic weirdness going on and the more we know, ya know?!

Dad's clearly feeling better from "super flu". He has not stopped talking constantly, and I mean *constantly* to his hallucinations for FOUR fucking hours. I am losing my mind.

I miss the quiet of him being ill 😩

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An old, black cat, curled up on a Christmas blanket on a sofa. Photo taken 2yrs ago today.

I miss this little monkey-bum so badly. George was such a special boy. I'm glad he found us, and learned what blankets and beds were. But I wish it had been when he was younger, so we could've helped him more 🖤

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Sometimes I'm doing something mundane, like the washing up. It's like a bullet to the chest as I remember - "my Mum's dead".

It still doesn't feel real. Everything is hitting so much harder since George, my "stray" cat died. The house is so empty 😢

Considering how many times I was, falsely, accused of being a 'home-wrecker' in my 20s, can you IMAGINE how bad it would have been if I was called Jolene as well?!!

'Jolene' just started playing on the radio. So now I'm sobbing uncontrollably because my Mum (passed away in June) almost named me after that song... Hormones are fun!

"see" not "aww!

Some flowers from Mum's funeral, taken from relative's gardens. The date, July 17th 2025 is at the top.

Dad forgot she was dead as soon as he was home from the wake. He's been really awful to me a lot lately. How he's still here and Mum's gone... It's not fair in any way.

Anyway, here's flowers.

The funeral was in July. I managed to get all that done, but omg paperwork is hell. I still haven't got probate started, and I still haven't finished filling in Dad's Attendance Allowance forms I started filling in back in October. It's so hard.

She lasted a few days. Once everyone had said their goodbyes, she was off. I got the call when I was on the bus to aww her. Lovely lady in Lush gave me a free bathbomb as I trauma dumped on her when I forgot my PIN 😅

Oh damn, I didn't post about it here?

Mum died in June. She got pneumonia from being unable to swallow. It went exactly how they said it would.

Only I saw her in A&E Resus, which I'm glad of. It was horrific, she was setting off every single alarm. Nurses were whispering, & giving me sad smiles.

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I can see now, that even when Mum passes away, they're going to be a problem for me. They just want to ruin my life to 'teach me a lesson'.

It's so disgusting. As if I'm not going through enough with what's happened to Mum, and having to look after Dad alone 😞

In the family group chat it's been said that I'm "in league" with nurses to starve Mum, and now that I've told the nurses to withhold medications... Neither of which I've done, and neither of which are even possible for me to do anyway! It's not how next of kin/power of attorney even works!!

It's never good when you visit your Mum in the Nursing Home, and they ask if you get along with your family 😩

They're making sure to enforce the rule to only discuss Mum's care with me, because it seems they've been slagging me off in front of the staff. Lovely!

One nice thing yesterday though, I counted over 50(!) snails in my wildlife pond! Mainly little round ones, but also some fancy long ones.

To think I almost paid for pond snails, and I ended up getting free eggs on some pond plants! 😅

I really just need some form of joy in my life. Everything sucks and has done for so long, I am completely drained.

There's not much I can do about it, but I have gathered seeds. Planting mainly starts in March, but so far I've done carrots, sweetpeas, snapdragons and a chocolate cosmos 💐

I'd give anything for it to be him in the Nursing Home and Mum here with me. Anything.

Knowing that the rest of my life is going to be looking after this man. Makes me feel sick. This timeline's stupid. I hate it.

After cleaning up Dad's shit yesterday, for 4 hours, before I'd even had breakfast. After looking after him, even though I detest the man.

Today, he's being an absolute shitlord to me. Completely vile. It's not "his illness", he's always been like it. Way before the dementia. He's just hateful 😣

Dad was violently ill in the night last night.

I spent 4hrs this morning cleaning a poo-nado in his bathroom.

I've cried so much, wondering WTF I ever did to get punished like this.

It feels like it's never going to end. Everything just keeps getting worse 😞

I used to get colds and flu every couple of weeks because my immune system is made of jelly. I don't know how I coped. This has floored me.

I've mainly been sleeping on the hospital bed we still have in between caring for my Dad and the cats. I think I'm finally getting better though.

Mum went into the Nursing Home last Wednesday. I went there the day before to set up her room a little bit, and then again when she arrived to settle her in.

I haven't been back since because other people visited and then at the weekend I got flu.

I hadn't been ill since the end of 2018 🤧

I have plans this year for lots of flowers, in tubs and hanging baskets. I just want some joy in my garden.

The wildlife garden did amazingly last year & is full of insects and birds even now. I hope it continues! Maybe I can set up a seat there so I can sit and enjoy it.