Occasionalities

Robert Hawks The Book of Jonah (Apocryphal Extended Cut), Chapter 3, Verses 1–∞ King James-Adjacent Version (KJAV), with editorial liberties by a reliably celestial stenographer and one bitter angel. ⸻ Jonah...

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Jonah 3:9

Then said Jonah,
“Nay, Lord! Not in my mouth—I am inside the whale itself, in the lower gastrointestinal vestibule!”

Jonah 3:7

And Jonah was sore afraid, and tried again, shouting:
“O Lord, thou art most glorious and—I said—I AM IN A WHALE!”

Jonah 3:8

But the Lord replied,
“YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’VE GOT A FUCKING WHALE IN YOUR MOUTH.”

Jonah 3:6

But the Lord heard him not clearly, and spake thus from the high throne of heaven:

“I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A FUCKING THING YOU’RE SAYING.”

I have changed mine heart! I will go to Nineveh, I will preach thy word, I will even hug an Assyrian if it please thee!”

Then did Jonah lift up his voice unto the Lord, praying thus:
“O Lord, my Redeemer, my Rock, my Customer Support Hotline — I have seen thy wrath and it stinketh of brine and cetacean interior! I beseech thee, deliver me from this fleshy tomb!

Jonah 3:4

And Jonah dwelt in the belly of the whale three days and three nights, surrounded by kelp, sardine spines, and the faintly racist graffiti of ancient mariners past.

Jonah 3:5

Jonah 3:2

And the Lord prepared a great fish, which the marketing angels later rebranded as a whale, for merchandising purposes.

Jonah 3:3

And the whale did swallow up Jonah whole, as one might swallow a pill of great inconvenience, without chewing.

Jonah 3:1

And lo, Jonah was cast into the deep, for he had fled from the presence of the Lord and from the unpleasant smell of Nineveh, which was like unto a camel that had died in its sleep beside a curry merchant.

The Book of Jonah (Apocryphal Extended Cut), Chapter 3, Verses 1–∞

King James-Adjacent Version (KJAV), with editorial liberties by a reliably celestial stenographer and one bitter angel.

⸻

Ad hominem insults are immediately blocked

If you didn’t know what that meant, but took the trouble to read this, then you get at least one free pass

Please try to have an unusually great week!

Because Today is Taco Too Day
(Doo-bie doo!)
And I just flushed the truth again—
(Wheeeee—SCREECH!)

[OUTRO – fade out with jazzy chaos]
Doobie doobie doobie doo—2025 is lookin’ blue…
But tacos still taste better than a truth-free coup!

⸻

[CHORUS – scat climax]
Zibbidy-zow!
I’m eatin’ treason now!
Big Macs in space!
Taco Tuesdays in The Hague somehow!
(Scat solo: “Woop-ba-doop, a-nuke-a-roup!”)

I’ll sign a coup with a ketchup pen
Declare it’s Tuesday once again!

If justice calls—I’ll fake a fall
Declare a raid! Eat slaw! Install
A judge who thinks coup rhymes with law
(And it does, in Mar-a-Lawgoooo!)

⸻

So give me beans!
Explosive memes!
And spicy tweets with fascist themes!
I’ll deep-fry rights and drown the screams—
In sour cream!
(Doobie doo, oh please!)

⸻

I want the fame, the flame, the phony crown
A kingdom made of strip mall towns
Where science dies and facts are just for show
With tacos packed in gilded wraps
While truth and honor take their naps
I’ll ban ’em all—except Tex-Mex and dough

⸻

Scoo-ba-da, doobie doobie
Foolin’ Rudy, chew a Qbie
Dip a lie in salsa sauce
Then sue me!
(Doobie doobie doo!)

Grift a peso, eat a Cray-o
Watch me flub a NATO play-o
Build a wall around my brain—
Then blame Trudeau!
(Doobie doo-bee doo!)

⸻

Oh, oobie doo!
I wanna dine like you
Sling tacos too!
Cheat and whine like you
Doobie doo!
An orange brute in boots so blue—
Just wants enchiladas
While he burns down law and truth

⸻

⸻

Now I’m the king of the bull and bling
A cheeseburger Mussolini king
I tweet at dawn and golf all afternoon
But I want more than grifts and scams—
I want my hands on taco stands
’Cause Tuesdays, baby, they come far too soon

⸻

“Today is Taco Too Day (Doobie Doo Doobie, Doobie Doo)”
(To the tune of “I Wanna Be Like You”)

🎺 (Brassy intro)
Doobie doo, doobie doo—hoo hoo!
Skiddly skaddle, banana republic babble!

Facebook is a scam-no Trump mocking allowed

Caught up at last! All the images I meant to post are finally out in the wild. Apologies for the sudden flood—think of it as a creative sneeze. Onward to victory… or at least a really entertaining defeat. 💥📸