🌾 ė̵l̶i j mü̧i҉ŗ 🌾

Grossest 7 word story ever:
For Sale: Baby Diapers, Worn A LOT!

put an iPod Touch filled w all my favorite songs from 2008 into a blender with Açaí, Ashwagandha, Lion’s Mane, and Mountain Dew Livewire.
The elixir concocted glows a pale ochre. I’ve been adding it to my dog’s water slowly every day until he can play an entire System of a Down album on my MicroKorg

you’re in her dm’s.
i’m riding shotgun in her dragula flying my hand out the window making airplane noises

making a salad is like the curating of creating food

I’m still waiting for a movie about a beach that makes you old, why is no one making that yet? the people are begging for it!

@slothfella.bsky.social

Lemme get this straight, you’re telling me a crab ran this goon?

oh my god sorry guys i didn’t forget about you i’ve just been over at X(formerly Twitter)’s house doing an upper decker in their bathroom

Have you ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you- you could, you’ll do, you- you wants, you, you could do so, you- you’ll do, you could- you, you want, you want them to do you so much you could do anything?
Yea, me neither :/

“Old Pioneer Fort Reenactments Cancelled Due to Inclimate Weather”
Fuck that, lemme get in one of those cabins show me how the boys kept warm in the cold season!

guy at bar to friends: “you guys ever see 127 days? about the rock climber?”
dude i wish james franco got stuck that long

not an aperitif sadly. it’s a digestif.

Death Cab style song about how the Garbage Disposal isn’t accurately named that devolves into a list of things you shouldn’t put into the garbage disposal.

every time i’m wearing a beanie customers think im me, and everytime im wearing a baseball cap they think im my coworker drew. feel like i have to wear a beanie every day now :/

my roommate got my dog a toy pig when i was at work. he paraded it around in front of me when i got home. my soul is healed.

My neighbor just knocked on my door to give me a giant ginger root. Very cute.
My neighbor then texted me a recipe they loved that’s just corn and rice (cus they know i like to cook?)

let’s be so for real…
Bionicles gave boys unhealthy body expectations

Jennifer Coolidge got turned into a chicken by a witch and now she’s PISSED

is there a real way to depict police officers doing their jobs, in media, that doesn’t imply violence?
(directing traffic with white gloves and a whistle isn’t real don’t fwm)

I’ve modded my metabolism to run on anywhere between one and four meals a day depending on barometric pressure.
These changes are subtle at first but you really start to see the difference when I enter the ionosphere.

i don’t have to use silly tricks to remember the difference between stalagmites and stalactites, my brain knows these things intrinsically

technofacists are using 5G theta-blockers to hack my sacral chakra until i contribute to the number of daily googles of:
“are Sabrina Carpenter and John Carpenter Related?”

my coworker told me my count was wrong on the register the other day. i flew up a sheer cliff face with such a speed; our instincts couldn’t be operating on further planes of existence.

I’ve stunted most of the areas of deep neural stimulation that are not related to fight or flight.
all my choices from now on will be based on the highest level of primal survival analysis via what i read in Zoobooks as a kid.
I will treat every professional dilemma as an ibex would a snow leopard.

remember back in 2008 when that man was pregnant, that shit would break our country today.

just saw a woman wearing a shirt that said “Punish Her”
and it had the Punisher on it spanking a lady.
people need to calm down.

Moneyball… is that a movie about Lance Armstrong?

If they made The Customer being ‘always right’ into federal law, i’d be serving people until they drunk drive themselves to death on a daily basis…
I’d also prolly be blowin’ a lot of dudes.

“this is so crazy, what even are we? haha😜”
- me at my dog

i don’t fill my mind palace with useless shit like facts and memories. these things don’t enthuse me.
every room in my mind palace is brimming with concepts. thematic elements, motifs, and abstractions. the kinda raw metadata that would ignite even the largest databases in the world.