Craig Johnson

People will sometimes say "I jog three hours every day, and stay away from white carbs, because my body is a temple."

The world seems to have forgotten how many fantastic movies John McTiernan has directed. Give the man another major studio film!

We burst into schadenfreude laughter, like Hamill's Joker, at the next three years of Trump's America. 😀.....😨😭

So...third impeachment is the charm???

My body is a temple of doom.

"They say I scale the side of NATIONAL MONUMENTSSSSS!!!! ...Totally, totally, not true. No one in history have scaled the side of less national monuments than me, you hear everybody say that."

I actually deserved it. However I'm the ONY person who deserved it!!!

They should have better respect for themselves.

I'll try. 😆

Just because I don't believe in Nazi beliefs does NOT mean I shouldn't commit suicide.

The ghost of Yul Brynner wants you to turn off "Melania" foster... FOSTER!!! ...As FOST as you can!

Brett Ratner is not directing the sequel? Maybe they can get Mel Gibson.

The cat's asshole is in the right place. But why does she have a giant vagina in her foot?

Unfair. Chupacabra is not known to murder puppies.

One of the funniest people Canada ever had.

"Hello, Greg Bovino."
"Hello, Mr. Trump. I didn't know we were still speaking."
"Sure, we're speaking, Gregory. ...You're fired."

This is her first ANYTHING with her clothes on: I shouldn't know The First Lady does not wear a bra.

I thought she looked familiar.

STORMY DANIELS: Trump is offering me a lot of money to show me his junk. Should I take the money?
OBI-WAN KENOBI: This little one is not worth the effort.

Dear Venezuela: You provide the oil. I'll provide the war.

Eichmann in Minneapolis.

A drawing of Alex Pretti carrying an old person wrapped in an American flag. He is saying - ‘Don’t worry. I’ve got you.’

If this doesn’t tug at your heart, make you well up with sadness, you are not human.

Good luck with that.

Okay. What's going to happen to that fat child rapist standing next to Ep- I mean, standing next to the guy with his own island, in all those pictures?

Makes sense. I drove through Belgium on my way to Amsterdam.

"If it wasn't for me, Belgium would be speaking French."

YouTube video by Opie Radio Lewis Black Hilariously Rants on Trump and MAGA Chaos | Opie Radio

youtu.be/NIjqxdI9rEw?...

GARY BUSEY: Nurse, a shipment has been delivered to the back of my hospital gown.
NURSE: Mr. Busey, why don't you just call it poop?
GARY BUSEY: (Grinning.) ...It's rather large. ...This shipment.

On my list of purely hypothetical stupid things Trump would say was going to Switzerland and saying "If it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking German"; but I figured that was too stupid even for him. How I keep underestimating what a moron he is.