secret brin babbling

i think it's just the day after shot day and my hormones are wonky by i wish i could just bask in how much i got done

bleugh i had a really good day. too good i fear. the emotional drop from feeling Really Nice all day is backswinging to a weird feeling of directionless dread

i got lint sized last night,,,,,

shrinking weed night,,,,,,, ouuuuuh,,,,,

ideally this happens more than once a month but at least once the weather warms up i might sit outside and read more often

im glad i have a social event coming up this month i am feeling the madness that comes from not going outside and talking to people

fearplay,,,,, fearplay,,,,,,,

I KNOWWWWW BWAH

i trust those numbers im just gonna try them till one works!
(3 bottles in)
how fast did you say these kick in?

wait. hold on. perhaps i spoke too soon. why the hell is no one shrinking me right now.

like i dont Feel particularly deranged about it im just like feelin myseld yknow. im not Desperate about it im just like "sigh... i could really go for a butt rn"

yeah idk that progesterone has rly changed my libido much this time i feel about the same as usual
(girl who has gone from jorkin it once every two days to twice daily)

that last one hits hard i love when the hivemind is an extention of me rather than an offshoot........ this will be in my thoughts today..........

i will accept a "fade to black" ending, a "you passed out and then just blipped back to normal somewhere outside" or sometimes even, "thats a clone of you that really is still there and Will dissolve in there but you share perception so no part of you is dying and you can listen from outside"

more vore thoughts this morning its kinda funny cause i really dont like any of the possible visuals for someone getting Out from one of those situations. i like when stuff goes Into bodies and then thats it no getting out. but also the associated consequences of that are not my speed at all

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food tf. this is making it click i think.

....i do think part of the unaware fixation for me rn is just that i find scary circumstances much more appealing from someone who is very cute and sweet and nice. i just wanna be enjoyed by a girl who is not thinking about reason or outcomes at all and just thinks i taste good,,,

i sometimes wonder who id be if sexual gratification wasnt such a minefield for me lmaooo

piloting my horny thoughts through an asteroid field trying to conceptualize unaware vore that is not fatal but still carries the intensity and finality of being swallowed. doesn't hurt isnt gross but also isn't abstracted into generic shapes. ambiguity of cutting to black but not rushing the moment

vore is such a weird one for me because i never Stopped being super into it but i did get a lot more squeamish about a lot of aspects of it. tonight its very on the mind though...

i do not like being Girl Who Can't Make Decisions i really prefer to be an active participant in my own sex fantasies but really truly sometimes its easier to go along with the ride if you don't have the luxury of choice

sometimes (kink or otherwise) i get fixated on finding the Optimal Solution to a problem and when that problem is "what do i think about when i do stuff quickly before bed" it leads to Nothing Happening At All, for a few hours"

the thing is sometimes i really need to not be the one who chooses what happens to me

snffsnffsnff....... big hearty laugh but im getting more and more muffled...soft n hairy and nice. yeah.

...big tough dyke stuffing me in her armpit. mayhaps. and Then i shrink. and get stuck there. thats the thoughts rn

like obvs i know i am not in the situation theyre aiming for, i dont currently Need it to survive. it is still the only really viable path to personal income for me right now. im lucky for the agency i have despite lack of personal funds. i still wish i could do more. :/

inner dialogue today:

"hmmm idk i feel weird abt getting back into sex work rn as a trans woman, given epstein wanted us in sex work"

"i dont think he cared about hairy dykes that make niche fetish porn for a majority queer audience"

"girl your ass has gotten so fat please use it"

and. yknow. most people do not actually want to show people online their buttholes and the ones that do still need a Lot of trust and whatnot. which is fine. like i get why, i totally get it. i know thats me being a bit of a freak and i accept this.

so far i have succeeded at this because i also know how much of an effort it takes to do it at all, let alone well. but i do think id be such a disaster if i hadnt been so repressed for so long

weird thing abt being very comfortable sharing visuals of my body is having to restrain the part of me that wants to ask "can i see? can you show me?" every time someone plays a little with me. down girl. chill.