void boy

too many feelings.

talked w/ my zucchini...idk how much this will work out. if she leaves and finds her way elsewhere, it will hurt, i will worry for her deeply. but i'm not in a place to take a gamble of this magnitude yet. if she has only me to lean on i fear she may fall, and we will both feel more broken for it.

i still feel genderless a lot of the time but i've noticed that the fleeting moments where i experience a positive sense of gender have become increasingly split 50/50 between "i'm just a girl teehee" and "i'm so boy, bro" instead of always boy. which is kinda fun. real time fluid dynamics, ig.

like, i'm taking your advice because we're incredibly close. if i push even slightly too hard it could break something and that'd be on my hands. i feel like i'm taking your word on this in order to be gentle with you, which i don't like. the fact that you're actually right is incidental to that.

got some good relationship advice that put my uhaul lesbian wishes in check, but it's really hard to accept that it's good advice when i feel like it comes from someone who has a pathological need to help people.

alternatively why am i genuinely belligerent and wanting to tear my hair out when someone tries to help me in certain small ways

i need some people to care about me less ffs

love those kinds of nudes where you look at them and you're like "oh shit, that's ME. whoa i'm kinda hot ngl."

if you toss some fluid into the void what's left? what triumphs? does it matter? eh, probably not 🤷

what's the difference between fluid and vapor anyway

like. the love i have for my love, my zucchini...it is incredible. i have this inhuman want: to dote on her, to spoil her beyond measure, to let her slacken in my arms and let her guard down absolutely. i want to be trusted like that. it's so much. one day we will have the words for it.

we are approaching some kind of personal event horizon, in any case. we will see what awaits once the threshold has been crossed.

❤️‍🩹

it pains me still, but less so than it would to know that what i am witnessing is a death and not a rebirth. but if anything, rebirth is more confusing than death. it is just as generative of questions, questions which are perhaps less cutting, but in exchange are infinitely more aporic:

and thus, if it is the latter, then i must ask: what is my future substrate? what is the new medium through which i will now navigate? is it actually new, or have i mutated in some way such that i see it differently? is that distinction even worth anything at all?:

how cruel would that be to my aromantic siblings (ex-siblings?)? to think myself "one of them" purely because i thought i was "beneath" romance, and by implication, saying that they are "lesser" in some way by this toxic heuristic?

i love them as my peers. i don't yet wish to let this go:

if it is the former, i feel shame. did i self-identify with aromanticism for all this time simply out of the belief that i would never attain emotional intimacy? that no one would ever *truly* love or want me anyway, and that it'd simply be better to convince myself that i didn't want it either?:

whether it is my aromanticism as such, and i must bid goodbye to a label which has duly guided me for the better part of 5 1/2 years: or whether it is my aromanticism as it once was, and i must invite it into myself in a new, metamorphosed state. welcoming the butterfly and grieving the caterpillar:

think i'm having a crisis of confidence with my aromanticism. not sure if this is a mourning, and if so, what is being mourned:

slowly but surely unfurling my wings.

detaching myself from my thoughts and observing them from afar. like cloudwatching but for cognition. useful stuff, i think.

you're good lol

thinking i would generally prefer to love more and care less

shift over. 7 days in a row. one day off tomorrow, then back to work, on the bright side i see my zucchini again saturday. but eugh. tired. want to work full-time and actually have decent days off, not part-time without a proper break. soonish, hopefully.

had a bit of a scare but my insurance card is finally here with me. gonna try and get as much of my medical shit in order in one fell swoop as i can. find a new laser tech, maybe try and resume psych testing to get an adhd diagnosis/meds. figure some shit out. 🤞

feels like i’m hearing dial tones in the midnight air…

just a small win but i bought new, more comfy/easy-to-wear masks, and i've been masking consistently at work again. :) glad to feel like i'm being at least a little bit more responsible at work now.

love my zucchini. she is so strong but i wish she didn't need to be so strong. i wish i were stronger, so that i might let her be weaker. gahhhhh yearning hurts sometimes.

the question is whether or not i start building up the habit preemptively, seeing as i've about a month before i begin...🤔

kind of want to start pilfering bandaids from work once i switch from pills to injections. not even for reasons of necessity. just the principle of the matter.

had a dream about kissing last night. ts has literally never happened before. my subconscious might be telling me something...does it...does it think i'm gay? inconceivable...ok, it might be a little conceivable.