Killer Facts (parody)

Stouffer’s mac and cheese is the most popular meal among divorced men over thirty. #facts

Traffic lights are not actually red, yellow, and green. The official colors are light ruby, dark aureolin, and forest lime. #facts

Four simple ways to fend off a #BearAttack:
1. Offer the animal all the cash you have on you.

2. Coat yourself in the scents of a more powerful animal, such as a hammerhead shark or a common housecat.

3. Make yourself seem larger by bragging about your sexual exploits.

4. Nunchucks.
#facts

A single centipede has roughly one one-hundredth the number of legs as a dollarpede. #facts

The collapse of the Roman Empire was largely the result of rock and roll music. #facts

Skin is just the clothes that skeletons wear. #facts

#DidYouKnow #facts

All of the facts posted here are gluten free except for one, and you have to guess which one. #facts

83% of women surveyed said the most attractive thing a man can do is wear a full tuxedo at the gym while deadlifting two golden retrievers and reciting poetry. #facts

Most human beings will be solar powered by 2035. #facts

#DidYouKnow #facts

A horror movie where food comes to life and eats people would actually be really entertaining and a smart commentary on consumer culture, and I hope every network executive who passed on my script gets eaten. #facts

British people drive on the left side of the road because all of them are left-handed. #facts

The average number of steps you get in a day is factored in to whether or not you get into Heaven. #facts

Six spinoffs of #TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles we want to see:
1. Adolescent Deformed Shinobi Tortoises
2. Elderly Disfigured Ronin Toads
3. Geriatric Anomalous Ashigaru Salamanders
4. Baby Abnormal Samurai Beavers
5. Middle-Aged Monstrous Shogun Geckos
6. Toddler Freakish Assassin Capybaras
#facts

‘Bell tower attendant’ has consistently been the most popular profession for people with scoliosis over the last five hundred years. #facts

You’re out of spell slots for the day. #facts

#DidYouKnow #facts

The Kook-Aid Man has reportedly gone ‘full MAGA’ is helping the Trump administration find ways to circumvent the Fifth Amendment. #facts

Most organ donors simply have nowhere in their home to store a fully functioning pipe organ. #facts

78% of men say they have bathed in WD-40 at some point in their lives. #facts

The word ‘fergalicious’ appears in the U.S. Constitution twenty-seven times. #facts

#DidYouKnow #facts

Contrary to popular belief, lightning can strike the same place twice, but three strikes and it’s out. #facts

There is nothing in the employee handbook that says I can’t bring my pet goldfish to work in a thermos, which means I don’t have to pay the bill from Debbie’s gastroenterologist, and if anything she now owes me a new goldfish. #facts

One of those damn kids left one of their damn slinkies on one of my damn lawns. #facts

Six popular #SeaShanties:
1. The Great Whale Cometh and My Bowels Hence Goeth

2. Ol’ Sally Loves Me but She’s Eight-Six so it’s Weird

3. O the Sea Gave Me an Erection Again

4. Holy Shit that Bird Almost Touched Me

5. Blue (Da Ba Dee)

6. I Met a Fair Maiden in VR Chat
#facts

The most popular neck tattoo is a scarf. #facts

The new White House ballroom currently under construction will feature a McDonald’s PlayPlace that only the president is legally allowed to use. #facts

86% of Americans have been fired for pooping on the job. #facts