Killer Astrology (parody)

Weekly #Scorpio: You know from experience that good things don’t just fall into your lap, Scorpio, but this week a little bird poop will. #astrology

Weekly #Capricorn: Listen to your heart, Capricorn. You have arrhythmia. #astrology

Weekly #Gemini: This horoscope cannot be displayed because ad-blocking software has been detected on your device. Disable your ad-blocking software and refresh the page to fix this issue. #astrology

Weekly #Aquarius: A disagreement may soon arise between you and a coworker about the merits of heating up two-day-old garlic and onion trout in a work microwave. #astrology

Weekly #Sagittarius: You will soon be tempted by a slice of sidewalk pizza. #astrology

Weekly #Libra: After a long time being alone, you will finally be cooking for two every night this week because that racoon has moved back into your garage. #astrology

Weekly #Aries: You will be baffled by regional dialect on Thursday. #astrology

Weekly #Cancer: Reach for your dreams, Cancer, and while you’re up there see if you can grab me some ramen. I don’t know why we keep it on the top shelf. #astrology

Weekly #Taurus: Someone will soon come into your life and sweep you off your feet. It’s a janitor with a mop, who’s annoyed that you keep doing TikTok dances while he’s trying to clean. #astrology

Weekly #Virgo: You will soon find new romance in the place you least expect it - in a bus station bathroom stall. #astrology

Weekly #Leo: Your masterful command of GIFs will irritate your coworkers on Wednesday. #facts

Weekly #Pisces: Your knowledge of the distinction between a llama and an alpaca will come in handy this week. #astrology

Weekly #Virgo: Someone you will soon meet will think you have exceptional taste, Virgo, but sadly this person is a cannibal. #astrology

Weekly #Aquarius: You are about to make an exciting new discovery, Aquarius - chocolate mac & cheese. #astrology

Weekly #Capricorn: You will soon become the first person every convicted of dance fraud. #astrology

Weekly #Libra: You’ve been a dreamer all your life, Libra, but you will soon discover that the plot of ‘The Matrix’ was pretty much spot-on. #astrology

Weekly #Scorpio: Don’t be dissuaded by a few bad apples, Scorpio. Either way they’ll still make you cooler than androids would. #astrology

Weekly #Gemini: Your Halloween party hangover will finally abate on Wednesday, and your wallet will finally be found on Thursday. #astrology

Weekly #Aries: Today is the perfect day to try something new, like putting on your seatbelt. #astrology

Weekly #Leo: At least half of your problems this week could be solved by purchasing something in our online store. #astrology

Weekly #Cancer: Life is about to present you with a fourth wake-up call, dear Cancer, and you will likely hit the snooze button again. #astrology

Weekly #Sagittarius: Your inner beauty will concern a radiologist this week. #astrology

Weekly #Pisces: Don’t overplay your hand during a confrontation with a certain spineless individual this week, and try to make this the last time you get into a fight with an octopus. #astrology

Weekly #Taurus: Now is the perfect time for you to stand up and fight for what you believe in - that ghosts and electricity are the same thing. #astrology

Weekly #Libra: I know your constellation says something about procrastination, but I’m read it fully later. #astrology

Weekly #Aquarius: You’ve been feeling extra vulnerable lately, and it’s because flu and COVID vaccines are now illegal in your state. #astrology

Weekly #Virgo: The stars are telling me you will be absolutely on fire this week, but are failing to elaborate if this is a literalism or a metaphor. #astrology

Weekly #Capircorn: You will be faced with a series of diabolical riddles on Thursday. #astrology

Weekly #Sagittarius: Your musical tastes will cause you to be laughed at by a teenager this week. #astrology

Weekly #Pisces: You will soon find yourself in a heated confrontation with a loved one about the plot of Gremlins 2. #astrology