🔞CBT Season (cont.)🔞

Got two projects done tonight. Gotta finish the poster design I'm doing for a friend's convention, then bsky commissions, then I can pick from one of the 6 thousand things on The List

I'm making progress on commission stuff 😤 there's a ton of stuff I still need to do but I'm actually motivated to make things rnow thank fuck

One day...one day "it's not going to be as bad as you think it will" will work. It's almost always true. Do I believe it before hand? Nope. Never. Not once.

First day off and I already feel 5 times better LOOOL

Having medication issues again. Not being able to sleep well as a side effect and at this point I want to just give up on this course 🥲 The benefits are so miniscule, my fuse is gone, I'm having memory problems, and the minute it wears off I feel 10x more stupid (it SUCKS MY ASS)

I can't be bougie enough for that tho tbh. Unless grunge perfume is a thing. Every time I go to a perfume counter I feel so out of place 😂

What if I got a part time job selling perfume

all discourse aside, there is one machine with consciousness. it's printers. they are alive and conscious and they hate you and they'd take your arm clean off if you let them. never trust a printer.

no point in being so shy when everyone can see what a good cow you are 💕
sketch comm for @/raymondkua_1 on twitt

ive been so gd busy i want to focus more on drawing ;w;

Comic showing Felix and Sylvain from Fe3h drawn in monochrome Page 1 Panel 1: Felix is showing Sylvain how to dance and says "-you put your hand here- and position your feet like this and-" Panel 2: Felix looks up at a smiling Sylvain and asks "...what?" Panel 3: Sylvain says "Nothing, I just..."

Page 2 Panel 1: Sylvains text continues "didn't expect you to enjoy dancing is all". Felix looks caught off guard. The background is a black sky with stars. Panel 2: A flustered Felix says "shut up, I don't enjoy it, it's just useful in battle is all. Panel 3: Sylvain laughs and says "haha I wasnt trying to tease you." Panel 4: Sylvain is holding Felix's hand and says "It's just nice to see you smile for once."

Page 3 Panel 1-3: a sequence of Felix looking up and down and back up all flustered. Panel 4: Felix turns around and leaves and says "I'm leaving."

[ #FireEmblem | #Fe3h | #Sylvix | #SylvixWeek2025 ]

Sylvix Week Day 1: Dancing

1/2

i am very normal rnow

Anyway, I have been managing okay. I am in jewelry making mode (a great outlet tbh) and contemplating pursuing that semi-professionally. Also still drawing here and there. Trying to focus on the present and doing what I can to not become crippled with with fear

Unsure if my prescriptions are gonna be filled. Unsure if my passport is going to be able to be processed (I've been too afraid to even put the application for my birth cert change first) Unsure if the art I make is going to be used against me some day...

Coping with uncertainty is the death of me

Don't talk about it much because I am Coping(tm) but being an erotic artist who is also trans in the US rnow feels fucking bad man

I just realized I have a $250 rilakuma plush I bought new in bag from the thrift store for $15.... And I could have gotten two more at the time but didn't 🥲

Today's emotion is still depression but also spicy. Want to write a poem about my asshole ex best friend who threw me away after 10 years over a fucking mattress

If I ever see him again I'm going to rip him a new asshole

This is like when I hear my compsci friends talk about taking apart computers as kids LOL I'm like
Nah I wanna demolish this bag for its skin

There's nothing quite as satisfying as taking apart jewelry for its beads/chains

I wanna do that to a leather purse too ngl. Reverse engineer that shit

Heal me, siopao....

I know it'll pass. It's just frustrating and painful and it sucks. I hate having to deal with this like every other month.

Okay I really am just in a depressive episode that's all. As long as there's people around I'm fine and the second I'm alone I tank hard. My movements are sluggish and all the other crap that happens. Wack.

Also got a fall persimmon candle that smells exactly how I want a fall smell to smell but not like, disgustingly cinnamon. She was so funny LOL she was like "I have a pumpkin spice one...that sells really well but I hate it. This is the good shit tho" 😂😂😂

Food got. Also got to talk to vendors which is one of my favorite things to do on earth. Candle vendor talked fragrances with me for like 30 minutes (she was SO SWEET) and then I got to commiserate with someone on how difficult finishing seed beads bracelets is 😂

Gonna go get good food at a night market thing

Woof...night brain got me bad last night sorry NCKSJSK

I feel better-ish today

I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of feeling like I don't deserve to heal. Or that I wasn't wounded even in the first place. Or if I was, it was my own doing. I'm tired of feeling alone, and feeling irrational pain.

I'm just so tired.

Like maybe if I tried hard enough I could just get over it and accept it.

But I know that doesn't work. I just have to wait. Because my brain doesn't fucking work right. I'm so sick of this.

I need to be around people when I feel like this but sometimes it's good and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it makes me feel worse, like the care I know they have for me just doesn't reach me. Even tho it should. And I can't stand the idea of someone trying and failing to reach me

Extremely bad feels. It's like no matter what I do I will be plagued by this soul crushing loneliness occasionally. It is objectively not true. I am not alone. But I feel so alone sometimes.

I have to distract myself or I'll just succumb