Mantis Watch

If JD Vance wants me to believe that those Nazis from the group chat are just kids, the President is gonna need to fuck at least one of them.

White people will be like “I needed this” and it’s just releasing an album full of racist dog whistles and gaslighting everyone that points it out to you.

I regret to inform you that I just got (I Wanna Fart) Where the Dinosaurs Are back from our mastering engineer. Insufferable music promotion posts are imminent.

My Boondock Saints II poster just got raptured. Did this happen to anyone else?

I will end my boycott of Disney when ABC agrees to produce my script about quilting celebrity and modestly successfully country music recording artist Timmy Ricks ,who helps the police solve quilt-related crimes during his spare time. Disney doesn’t get another penny from me until Quilter gets made.

I heard it was Tylenol that put Trump’s name all over the Epstein Files.

If you’re getting raptured tomorrow and have a Boondock Saints II poster you aren’t gonna be using, I’ll take it.

As an autistic person, I would just like to say that I cause Tylenol, not the other way around.

All the cool kids are skipping the Rapture so they can go to this, instead. See you Saturday, San Francisco!

Who’s a guy gotta Lloyd Dobler to get his First Amendment rights back?

As an act of solidarity, I will be impersonating an officer of the Sizzler tonight.

Hey republicans: you know that slippery slope you are always going on about in regards to the Second Amendment? Well, we’ve hit the fast part of the slide when it comes to the First.

While we’re all angry about Jimmy Kimmel, don’t forget to stay angry about Trey Reed.

San Francisco friends, we are beyond excited to be headed your way in a couple of weeks for Leestock! There are so many good bands on this lineup, some of whom I’ve been wanting to catch live for years. Saturday, September 27th at the New Farm…be there or be somewhere else!

Never bring a fight to a gun-knife.

Fuck… they’re gonna claim they uploaded Trump’s consciousness into a computer and declare a shitty AI Trump to be president, aren’t they?

Breaking: Rudy Giuliani’s spine.

Today I learned that the J.D. in J.D. Vance’s name is short for JDonald Trump is in the Epstein files.

Shark migration patterns significantly changed to align with the routes of slave ships in the Atlantic because the enslaved bodies thrown overboard were such an abundant and readily available food source, but please tell me again how slavery wasn’t that bad.

Planet Unicorn surpassed 1,000 plays on Spotify this week, officially moving it up to number 4 on the Billboard “Songs About a Guy Getting Stranded on a Planet Full of Unicorns” chart. Thanks for listening, friends… maybe with your help we can reach number 1 someday!

We like to stay up-to-date on the most recent social media trends, which is why we have chosen to forgo streaming on our next album and release it exclusively on radioactive shrimp.

I don’t get off work for another 3 hours. You fuckers better not buy up all the radioactive shrimp before then.

My longing for the timeline where we just crack jokes and play around together, without it being, “while civilization ends,” is extreme

You either die an Andy Dwyer, or you live long enough to see yourself become a Chris Pratt.

I wish @schumer.senate.gov would get started writing a strongly worded resume.

We sound kinda like the Ramones if the Ramones were trying to sound like the Ramones, which is to say, we sound worse than the Ramones.

Zohran Mamdani’s win has inspired over 3400 young people to raise their hands to run for office just since Tuesday. It’s now @runforsomething.net’s biggest candidate recruitment moment since the election.

A new generation of leaders is here.

I regret to inform you that we no longer identify as pop-punk, due to everyone being a horrible sex monster.

“So this movie is premised on the idea that a police officer would be held accountable for negligently getting dozens of people killed as a result of actions they took while on duty? I don’t buy it.” -my wife, 5 minutes into watching Demolition Man for the first time.

There’s a certain irony in the fact that being the world’s foremost expert on Boondock Saints II posters has not earned me enough money to buy a Boondock Saints II poster.