Rachel Crabbyassed Riskind

Just found out we are related to Gwyneth Paltrow. Her father was my father’s first cousin twice removed’s husband’s first cousin (twice removed).

I don’t know how to feel.

Tell me how harsh this is, she asked already knowing, but not caring:

Yeah, men should keep their mouths shut about how attractive they think women are or aren’t. We’re called “the fairer sex” for a reason. 🖕🦜

*Mr. Gay Porn

I suddenly feel less guilty about accidentally naming a dog Mr. Pee after seeing that everyone in Thailand’s name is Pee Pee or Mr. Porn. #whitelotus

How come there are no head shops for heroin users? They just fuck up all their spoons & shit…?

TW DEPRESSiNG, BUT AT LEAST NOT POLITICS: If you were not convinced or not entirely convinced that animals are assholes, a bird will 150% eat your dog’s possibly last meal on their head while crumbing all over their head & also trying to hump their head. :/

Would somebody please do me a favor and name a pet Pewpew? Okay thank you.

Birdo de Fucko’s favorite toy (besides the dog & me) is the ceiling fan. I keep asking him to clean it, but he refuses.

Yeah, I really did not miss feeling like we could possibly blow up every single day of our lives because our President is a fucking moron.

I guess I’m naïve for being surprised that rappers (besides Kanye and Diddy) are actually misogynistic & money hungry when that’s pretty much their whole thing. Apparently smoking that much pot isn’t cheap, either.

If bird flu were a human…

🖕Snoop Dogg is dead.🖕

How long do we think before Trump says some more asinine crap about Californians needing to rake leaves. 😒

Omg I hate it so much! There was another one (or maybe the same one?) for a hotel/booking site I hate equally

SPLURMPY

No I suck at it. Even replying is confusing

So sorry, I hope you feel better soon. It took me out for an entire day, but I enjoyed exchanging Troy stories with Larry who was my favorite speaker. 💕💐

BiRDO DE FUCKO: (in cage, to themselves): Birdie, birdie
ME: Birdie, birdie
BDF: Peekaboo
ME: Peekaboo
BDF: Birdie, birdie, peekaboo
ME: Birdie, birdie, peekaboo
BDF: Birdiepoo
ME: no
BDF: PEW PEW PEW PEANUT!!!$&!

Yours as well. 💕 Hope you get this. I don’t seem to have a great grasp on this platform. www.youtube.com/live/u1yVbGU...

Here you go! Thank you for showing up for him 💕 www.youtube.com/live/u1yVbGU...

I don’t really care much for this format. But then I didn’t really like Twatter or Threads either

Love, was this the Angelyne one? I can never spell it right. Saw her selling t-shirts out the back of her pink Corvette at Von’s & a bunch of other times! 💕

He looks really happy about your pocket square! He was my oldest real friend in LA and I don’t think I will ever meet a funnier person. He is terribly missed. Did you get to see the memorial? If not I can get you linkage.

He was probably my oldest friend in LA. I’m so sorry for your loss too. Did you get to see the memorial? If not I’ll get you a link 🥺❤️

Next up: a shoe.

Thanks it’s unhinged just like me all the time now :/ I have no idea what I’m doing 🤷‍♀️🦜

THEM: Oh, Bratlyn just graduated from The University of White Privilege with a major in Generational Wealth. We just had our family Wanksgiving in Ass-pen.
ME: …i have a bird.