Chris Johnson

But that would interfere with infrastructure week.

“It was the best of times, it was the… listen, these were the best times. Many people are saying there have never been better times, okay? Times that nobody thought were possible. Well, we’re having even better times now, better than Joe Biden could even have dreamed of.”

Every time I get a push notification on my phone, I think for just a second, “Did it happen?” and then I’m disappointed.

Trump knows more about spreadsheets than anyone who’s ever lived.

Sir Michael Statement Regarding Winter Olympics Speed Skating Final 18/2/26 To whom it may concern, It is with a heavy heart that I publish this statement. This evening sees the final of the men's Short Track Speed Skating at the Winter Olympics and it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I will not be competing in it. Please be assured that I have not taken this decision lightly but, for the following reasons, I believe it to be the right one: - I do not own a pair of skates and feel this would put me at an unfair disadvantage. - I don't know which direction I'm supposed to skate around the circuit and I would feel very embarrassed if I went the wrong way. - I've got a check-up with my dentist at 9:15 tomorrow and I don't want to risk not being back in time because it's a very busy practice and it takes ages to get a new appointment. I have suggested that they should hire an additional dental hygienist but so far they have not listened. - The other skaters might be angry at me for not competing in any of the qualifying rounds. - I've just checked what outfit speed skaters wear (skin-tight onesies) and I don't think I have one of those and I would feel awkward asking one of my competitors if they have a spare suit that I could borrow. - I don't know if it's a communal changing room but I have unusually small nipples that I'm a bit self-conscious about and I don't want the other skaters to make fun of them. I know some people will be disappointed by this news but I ask that you accept my decision and not try to change my mind. Furthermore I ask that you all accept the result of the race and do not discredit the gold medallist's achievement just because he didn't beat me. That is not his fault and he deserves respect regardless. Thank you and good luck to all the competitors in tonight's race.

Statement regarding tonight's final 💔

Now that I think of it, it might have been a roller skate, but I think they’ll overlook that if your other skate is an ice skate.

As luck would have it, I saw a discarded skate in my neighbor’s garbage bin earlier today. It was just one—left, I think—so you’d have to come up with another one, but this would get you halfway there. On my way home I’ll see if there’s a onesie in there.

I flew planes with EECs for a long time, but I wouldn’t know what it means to trans them.

And ABEAM yesterday, while a bunch of bullshit words were allowed.

I got it at the eleventh hour just by randomly guessing things that seemed pronounceable.

Leopards, face, etc.

Every Epstein email looks he was drunk, put his phone on the floor, and typed it with his big toes.

ChatGPT - Aircraft QR Code Info Shared via ChatGPT

I asked ChatGPT. Here’s its answer: chatgpt.com/share/697f99...

Damn proud of Minnesota.

they’re abducting our neighbors and putting them in concentration camps and they’ll empty a whole goddamn magazine into you while you’re lying on the ground if you don’t cheer them on while they’re fucking doing it.

Wow—George Soros must have shelled out a pretty penny to hire all these people.

"Give me the peace prize or I'll kill you" seems like a pretty funny joke until it literally unfolds on the world stage

That‘s not the first time he’s done that. “Stollen” made frequent appearances in “rigged and stollen election.”

I got a legitimate fraud alert from Citi once, giving me a phone number to call. I didn’t call it, but instead called them at a number I got in their app. Citi’s own website warns you about the very kind of message that they themselves send you.

This woman is harder than goddamn steel dealing with these goddamn thugs. I want her to be my neighbor.

No I said don’t tread on *me*. You can get treaded on.

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

they are recruiting for the worst, bottom-of-the-barrel chuds imaginable and those chuds are behaving exactly as you'd expect

They also don’t know the difference between “which” and “that.”

(To messenger)

Go now! Tarry not!

(Looking out the castle window moments later)

This mf tarrying

It was kinetic af

Use your what now? I don’t think many drivers down here even know they have blinkers.

It looks like it’s based on sound science: “They say aspirin is good for thinning out the blood, and I don’t want thick blood pouring through my heart,” Trump said. “I want nice, thin blood pouring through my heart. Does that make sense?”

His blood is the thinnest. Nobody’s ever had thinner blood.