Ashton Travitz

The craziest thing about Trump walking around on the roof of The White House is that he’s all over the Epstein Files and will do anything to distract us. But it ain’t going away.

“You don’t mind your tax dollars paying for social services?”
No actually I don’t. We should actually EXPAND social services. Do you know how hard it is to qualify for things like CAPS or WIC? Because my 30k a year is “making too much”.

Sometimes I remember my mom almost named me Alexandria and I get mad because Allie/Alex/Lexi would have been way cuter than Ashton

I understand the irony here but I hate a gender neutral name

PSA to mortgage companies:
Hey girl, lighting a fire under your client’s insurance agent to “issue the policy today” accomplishes nothing. Totally different offices. All you’re doing is pissing them off.

Bruh I’m almost 30 why am I currently a slave to a band director saying “one more time”

A drawing of a haunted looking possum alongside the text I’m tired and my brain is soup

Perpetual mood

I will die on this hill. Call it a peanut butter patty and I’ll find my old Girl Scout vest and iron one of the iron on patches over your mouth so you can’t use that profanity again.

Hope bluesky is the platform for this but I don’t trust anybody who thinks real Girl Scout cookies come from ABC bakers. It’s Little Brownie, y’all. The org was founded in Georgia. The land of Samoas, Trefoils (pronounced Tree-fols), and Tagalongs.

Not to brag but my one year old already knows his “Twinkle Twinkle have you any wool, H I J K LMNOPs”

Not to sound like a millennial but avocado toast really is fire

how could peter piper have picked a peck of pickled peppers? because if the peppers are pickled surely they have already been picked; he can’t be pulling pickled peppers off the vine or bush or whatever. mr piper you have some explaining to do. mr piper answer me

Coca-Cola this, Pepsi that, but what about Dr. Pepper

Nobody:
Drum Corps: you’re 23, eh? Got one foot in the grave, grandpa? I didn’t realize they let you out of Florida anymore.

Ok I deleted Google and switched to Costco. What’s next?

Does anyone else need a biscuit, a chocolate digestive or hob nob or something?
See now I have made you think about biscuits for a second rather than the fact the world is mad.
Mmm, biscuits.

For the record I spent last year thinking it was only 12k and that accounted for his specialized area and a better district but no, it’s just inexcusable

If you think salary discrepancy between men and women in female-dominated fields can’t be a thing I would like to say I checked open Georgia today and last year I made 18.5k less than my husband, who has the same education and years of experience

Accidentally taught my toddler to “wop wop wop wop wop” because I’m just a parrot that vocally stims constantly

Drake Drops New Track Inviting Kendrick Lamar Out To Coffee So They Can Clear Things Up TORONTO—In a stunning twist to the feud between the two hip-hop artists, Drake reportedly dropped a new track Monday inviting Kendrick Lamar out to coffee so they could clear things up. “The truth is,...

Drake Drops New Track Inviting Kendrick Lamar Out To Coffee So They Can Clear Things Up
theonion.com/drake-drops-...

Happy Monday I lost my keys somewhere in my car and I don’t want to tell my husband because then he would know that I literally never lock my car

Coffee mate ad people are freaky

idk being publicly embarrassed over and over again for damn near a year by a 5'5" man wearing bell bottom jeans might be enough to make me disappear permanently especially if 124m people sang along while it was happening

I hope Harrison Butker has to eat defrosted hot dogs left in the sink.

Drake rn:

Harrison Butker hasn't kicked a single field goal or extra point tonight, maybe he should go make his wife a sandwich