Joseph C. Simmons

How to Win an Argument With Your Wife and Still Not Get a New Car Because sometimes victory just means you keep driving the same piece of crap.

open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...

“I wish it was actually that big.”

~Melania Trump watching South Park

ME: ICE shouldn't be doing this to immigrants!

MAGA: Then YOU keep them in YOUR house.

ME: They weren't homeless, you idiot. You're confusing your hates again.

The Vatican, using their top secret selection method, has decided on a new pope. They'll come outside and announce the winner as soon as they clean up all the tubs and Jello, and put their robes back on.

Political Humor? You Mean NOW? If Democracy is Going Down, I Might as Well Overshare

open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...

Fatherly Love, Marriage, and a Lack of Sanity How I Survived the Most Stressful Conversation That Never Actually Happened

Hey everyone! I kind of live in my own head, and this piece proves. At least I love my daughters. Please come check it out:

josephcsimmons.substack.com/p/fatherly-l...

Oh, cool, Idiocracy just started

I'm proud and happy to welcome you to Bluesky, my app. Yes, this is my app. I mean, I don't have any paperwork to support that, and, uh, I didn't build it or anything. It's just mine.

So welcome! Please wash your hands before using this place.

The Robot Dog That Gave Me Hope How a High-Tech Gift Reminded Me of My Place in the Family

Please stop by my Substack and check out how a robot shows me love. (Not that way you perv)

The Shark in the Elevator How a Hat and a Shark Suit Gave Me a Needed Shot in the Arm

It’s been a minute, but please check out my latest and I’ll love you forever

open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...

I’ve said in the past that I never post memes, but I make an exception when I’m the one that created it.

My gorgeous wife and I. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! My blood type is gravy

Meet Sasha and Norah, simultaneously the sources of my greatest joy and my biggest worry about the future. Also they go to timeout a lot.

Hey everyone! Now that I have an incredibly massive following here on Bluesky, I need some help monetizing it so I can become a trillionaire and bend the government to my will. I appreciate any advice. Thanks!

From Bounce Houses to Body Autonomy How I Survived a School Event and Found a Kindred Spirit

Hey, all, please check out my latest about being an introvert in hiding. Also, I apologize in advance to my conservative friends for the random stray near the end.

open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...

Hey, so that thing that America voted for, is it pronounced “fah-shism” or “faw-shism”?

Carnivals, Chaos, and the Dread of Democracy A Humorist’s Existential Crisis Amidst Political Absurdity

Already preparing to get canceled over this:

open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...

Chest of Drawers, Hearts of Heroes: A Weekend Adventure How a Quick Thinking Seller Made Both Our Wives Happy

Hey did you know I’m a world famous humor writer with followers all over the globe? I mean, there’s probably only 500 of them, but as far as I know they all live on this globe. Anyway, please check out my latest humor piece here: open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...

The Old Dad's Guide to Florida Theme Parks HINT: Bring Your Wallet and Comfortable Shoes

Please check out my latest humor essay. I swear I’ll make it up to you somehow.

I think I'm going to list something for sale on Facebook Marketplace, ignore all my DMs for like two weeks, then reply to all the inquiries "Yes it's still available are you interested?" then ignore them all again.

I knew there was a reason we said kickers were to be seen and not heard

This is Deric Cahill, who has like 1.5 million followers on TikTok and is selling out comedy shows throughout the country. But fuck him, he doesn’t have 15 followers on Bluesky. I’m opening for him tonight in Portland OR

Hahaha I really did laugh out loud

HELLO ALL OF MY FOURTEEN FOLLOWERS!

Now that I’m a massive social media influencer here, how do I monetize you? I need to start making millions like immediately. Thanks!

No one (or no thing) can hurt you unless you allow it.

Take the good (her writing), ignore the bad (her intolerance) and focus on being happy, not whatever she's tweeting or saying or whatever.

HAHAHA

They do not care for my dick jokes

Funny, LinkedIn must have the same filter

Me: Hey everyone, I'm performing in Spokane tomorrow, Seattle Thursday, and Portland on Saturday! ALL SHOWS SOLD OUT!

You: If all the shows are sold out, why are you promoting them? Aren't you just bragging?

Me: Um, yes.

You: Did YOU sell the shows out or are you just the opening act?

Me: