Heidi Loves Dogs

I’m that idiot at the dog park who talks to my clients’ dogs like they’re people but can’t socialize with actual humans

You know, I think that if the inflatable frog costumes get sold out, the people of Portland should pivot to Kermit the frog

Today marks 44 years since I burst out of my egg sac and started leaving my noxious digestive juices on everything.

I’m sorry about all your couches. …and the toy poodles.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and all I want is…

For him to shit himself to death.

Every night I’ve been getting high with a spider. I sit under the stairwell for the tenant above me so nobody from the HOA can see me,and I smoke next to a big brown widow in her web. I always say hi to her, and she always answers with “wait, you’re not food, get the fuck back in your house”

Let’s reboot the X Files but make it really shitty

I think everyone is allowed to get into it once in their 20s. If they don’t grow out of it in a week after realizing it doesn’t mean “I can do drugs and the government won’t care”, then they’re beyond hope

I’ve had Roy for two months and he’s been either hiding in his cave or under his Aspen bedding. I took him out one day, and ever since he’s wanted out non-stop. Here he is very politely waiting at the doors.

My noodly little coffee buddy

I woulda called out “Bleedy McThroatsquirt”

Writing “WHO THE FUCK CARES?” on every Nextdoor post until I’m banned

Oh that takes me back. My mom believed in reptilians, the hollow earth “theory”, vaccines causing autism, Mars being an ancient paradise before becoming barren…

I keep trying to tell my cat that this is his new brother and he keeps telling me he’s “not sure that’s genetically possible”.

I miss the days where he just went “meow”

Ok well I think I’m depressed enough to get back into stand up open mics

Quick, everybody, we can steal the government right now while nobody’s there

Having depression during all of this blows ass. All my love to you if your stupid head is like mine.

“Dumpster fire” isn’t strong enough. We’re experiencing “gas station toilet bowl full of trucker pee that is somehow flammable” fire.

I don’t honk anymore, I just roll down the window and do my cannibal corpse impression

Saw a reel about a teenage boy with road rage. He thinks he’s so scary! It’s adorable. Now wake me up when you’re a 44 year old woman with enough repressed anger from years of not being taken seriously to scare the shit out of a bull elephant.

The perimenopausal urge to start wearing nothing but southwestern style shit and punk shit but nothing else

Aw I know! I need to start handling this little goober but he keeps picking spots under ledges in the terrarium that I can’t get to. Little butt…

I knew snakes were cute and all, but this weirdo takes it to a new level

My snake giving off big “Bugs Bunny knew he should have turned left at Albuquerque” vibes

Other phrases etched on the bullets found at the ICE deportation center after the shooting:

-George Soros Forever
-Antifa made me do it
-How Do You Do, Fellow Leftist Terrorists
-ICE is bad
-the government is dumb
-That Kash Patel Guy is Great at his Job

This whole “being alive” thing is a giant pain in the ass.

Update: it still really sucks to have feelings for someone who got a girlfriend.

Ps: I wish I could stop feeling worthless because of it. And I also wish I could lobotomize myself.

Definitely mine

We’re seeing boycotts work. We’re seeing actual results. LET’S DO MORE

Man, it was a jolt over here. You must have felt the worst of it!

Okay well Earthquake BlueSky is not nearly as fun as Earthquake Twitter was.